New Year, New Decade, New ME!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to try to write more for the blog.  I really miss it and it brings me great joy (especially when someone leaves a comment - hint hint), so I'm going to try to carve more time out for this. 

Other things for 2010??

• South Beach Diet starts January 4th.  Since I've complained that my weight was out of control, I've managed to gain 10 more pounds.  I've never done South Beach before so this should be fun.  I need to lose 20 by June.  Pam is doing it as well, but she always has really good luck with these things.  It's more of a struggle for me, but I'm going to try.  If it doesn't work, I'm thinking of having my jaw wired.  Plus, all the stars are aligned.  First of the year, first of the month, and a Monday.  It's pretty much fool proof except for that whole no wine for two weeks part of the program.  Everyone here is bracing for the impact.
• Signed up for a triathlon on April 17th, so training pretty much starts Monday.
• Might do a 1/2 Marathon on April 24th with the family in Nashville.  It's the weekend after aforementioned triathlon, so I'm concerned I won't be able to walk.  This race is a definite maybe.
• Triathlon on May 15th in Las Vegas.
• Pumpkinman triathlon in October.
• 1/2 Marathon in Las Vegas in December.

Well, that's the plan for now.  I'm never going to finish the races unless I lose the weight.  Waddling into the finish line is not a good thing.  You get the courtesy clapping and the, "Good job - you're almost there."  Ugh.  I want, "Hey, you're on fire.  Way to finish strong."  I just hope I don't get faint while trying to train and diet.  Those people do it on The Biggest Loser.  I'm ready for someone to write a tell-all book about that place and how people lose the weight.  I think they have little lipo machines sucking stuff out before the weigh-ins.  That's really the only way to explain it.

Happy New Year!  I'm so ready for this year to be over and for great things in 2010.  This year is going to be awesome - I can feel it!

The Grind -

I made a great dinner last night.  I watched some guy make it on the Today Show and here is a link to the recipe Joe Bastianich’s healthy white bean stew.  However, the recipe that is posted and what he did on the show was a little different.  He used sausage, and while I'm not a huge fan, I did put in some chicken sausage instead.  Not as much fat, but still some of the flavor.  I wanted to use shredded chicken but someone in the house thought it would be too bland.  Sigh.  I deviated from the recipe a little because I sauteed the sausage, added pepper, green pepper, and onion before the garlic and then picked up the recipe from there.  Oh, and the Swiss chard?  Shut up and eat it already.  It is delicious.  I also never use as much oil as they say.  Just enough not the burn or stick the veggies while they saute.  The recipe only has 274 calories per serving if you use no meat.  They also have turkey sausage which isn't bad either.  I usually get the ones that have the hot pepper in them.  Great vegetarian dish sans sausage.  Bon Appetit!

Tasty!  I highly recommend this dish!

Everyone has one

Have you noticed how many of my stories come from Albertsons?  Could that be because that is where I spend the majority of my free time?  I should write a book on my adventures at the grocery.

I'm there the other day buying groceries, and we come to the wine.  Sweet, life-giving, sanity-keeping wine.  The checker asks me for my ID.  Ha!  Love it when that happens.  She then says, "Girl, you look really good for your age.  Except I like your hair color better in your license picture.  Maybe you should think about having it that color again."  Wow.  Really?  Couldn't we just end with how good I look for my age?  It would be different if I had asked her opinion on my hair color.  However, I didn't.  This may come as a shock, but rarely do I engage in much conversation other than the weather, groceries, kids, work, etc.  Light conversation.  Little did I know I should be voicing my displeasure with the checker's hair style, hair color, or their choice of smock for the day.  Maybe I could ask if they had sex last night, if it was any good, and maybe my opinion on why it wasn't satisfactory.  How would you like them apples?

Always remember, opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one.

There was no Grind for Thursday - Saturday. Yippee.  We had dinner out with the family on Thursday, and Friday and Saturday were spent either getting ready for or working in a haunted house.  Details later. 

The Grind - Wednesday

Lime and Honey Glazed Salmon, Risotto Cakes, and Roasted Cauliflower with Herbed Breadcrumbs. 

The salmon recipe called for the salmon to be cooked with rice and broccolini in the same pan.  I hate broccoli.  Even if they try to dress it up by using other cute little names like broccolini.  Still smells like gas when you cook it.  I just did the salmon by itself with the lime and honey glaze.  You can click above for the recipe.  It was Yummy!

For the risotto cakes, you take your leftover risotto, push a little buffalo mozzarella ball in the middle of it, and form a little patty about 1/2 inch thick.  Make sure the cheese is covered.  Dredge patties in flour and place on a baking sheet in fridge for 15 min.  Heat 1 T extra virgin olive oil over medium heat until it sizzles when a pinch of flour is added.  Dredge patties in flour again.  Fry until golden brown and warmed through, about 10 minutes.

I love roasting veggies at high heat.  It is my favorite way to cook them.  The only way broccoli is tolerated.  For the cauliflower, I preheated the oven to 450, tossed the cauliflower with a little olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper and cooked for about 15 minutes.  I like my veggies a little crunchy, so you might have to cook them longer depending on your taste.  Meanwhile, I took about 1 cup panko breadcrumbs and 2 chopped garlic cloves and roasted them over medium heat with a little bit of oil.  Once the crumbs browned, I added some thyme and the grated zest of a lemon.  After the cauliflower was finished, I sprinkled it with the juice of the lemon and added it to the breadcrumbs.  Big hit with the kids!

Tonight?  Going out.  Family in town for a big 21st birthday - Happy Birthday, Brad! 

The Grind - Tuesday

Eventually, I will re-format my blog to include dinner ideas and recipes and that section will be titled, The Grind. Get it? The nightly dinner chore is such a grind, blah blah blah. Anywho, until I get that going, my other posts will be peppered in with the dinner stuff. Also going to try to take photos but I keep forgetting once it is plated. At that point I yell, "Come get your damn dinner. It aint gonna eat itself."

Tuesday Dinner - Sliders, Pumpkin Sage Risotto, and the leftover Haricot Verts with Shallots.

I already got feedback that meat AND risotto was a faux pas, so I guess I screwed up dinner before even starting to cook.
Conservatively, I spend 5 hours a week shopping at Albertsons. I also go to Whole Foods / Whole Paycheck if I need certain things or am feeling particularly wealthy. I set out yesterday to buy my stuff for dinner. The risotto recipe calls for you to roast a pumpkin. No canned stuff. Have you ever done that? First of all, I go to the produce section and there are no pumpkins. Really? You would think at this time of year pumpkins would be everywhere. So, I asked the produce dude, "Where are your pumpkins?" He got this huge smile on his face like he was going to reply with some inappropriate comment, and informed me they were outside. Really? So, I have to turn around, take my cart full of shit back outside where the wind is blowing 40 miles per hour to look for a pumpkin? I politely asked if they had any in back, told him I needed a pie pumpkin, and could he get one for me. Jeez. This little incident was a foreshadowing of what to come.
Last year I peeled a butternut squash for the first time and roasted that for soup. I thought that was bad, and then I discovered that Whole Foods / Whole Paycheck sells it already cut up in little cubes. Oh, it will cost you. It costs you plenty. I think about 1/4 butternut squash cut up is about $8.00. I think it's worth it.
I think the pumpkin is worse. Of course, you have to cut it, scoop out the seeds and stringy stuff, and peel it. It's that whole peeling thing that takes forever. It took me 30 minutes to prepare it for the oven. Maybe I just wasn't doing it right. I then roasted it, and it tasted like butternut squash, or a sweet potato. I think I would substitute another root vegetable.
I cook risotto in a pressure cooker, which I also use for pork shoulder roasts and other meats that need time to cook down. This will change your life. You wouldn't mind making risotto every night. You just put it all in and it comes out done. No constant stirring. The resident Italian gives it a thumbs up, so you know the consistency is right or else we wouldn't get to use it. Oooh, and the best part? The leftover risotto for risotto cakes the next day.
This recipe made WAY too much. I would half it. I'm trying out different recipes because I'm making this and risotto cakes on Christmas eve.
Bon Appetit!

PUMPKIN SAGE RISOTTO
· 1 small (1 3/4 pounds) pumpkin , peeled, seeded, and cut into 1-inch cubes
· 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
· Salt and freshly ground black pepper
· 6 cups chicken broth
· 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
· 1/3 cup chopped shallots
· 1 clove garlic , finely chopped
· 2 cups Arborio rice
· 1 cup dry white wine , such as Pinot Grigio
· 2 T chopped fresh sage
· 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese , plus more for serving
Spread the pumpkin on a baking sheet and toss with one tablespoon of the oil. Season lightly with salt and pepper. Bake until tender, about 35 minutes. Remove from the oven and cover with aluminum foil to keep warm.
In a pressure cooker, heat the butter and remaining 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat. Add the shallots and garlic and cook until softened, about 2 minutes. Add the rice and stir until it turns opaque, about 2 minutes. Add the unheated broth and the wine. Smash about 8 pieces of the pumpkin and add it now. Lock the lid in place and bring to high pressure over high heat. Adjust the heat to maintain high pressure. Cook for 7 minutes. Release the pressure according to the manufacturer's instructions or place the pot under cold water. Carefully open the lid, being careful of the steam. Stir in the rest of the pumpkin, cheese and season with salt and pepper. Serve immediately, sprinkled with the sage.

The Dinner Grind

My biggest problem with cooking is what to make.  Yes, I have the Epicurious App on my iPhone and do use it quite frequently, but I am always looking for good ideas.  I know there are some of you out there who plan their whole week in advance with the menu, go to the store, etc.  I bow down to you.  I know this would make my life easier, but I just don't have it in me.  Maybe one week I will try, as an experiment, and let you know how it goes.  For now, I'm going to share some of my recipes and nightly cooking escapades. 

This was yesterday's dinner:

I asked Robert for ideas about 2:00 in the afternoon, because if I couldn't obsess over it all day long, it wouldn't be a proper dinner.  He suggested Pork Tenderloin with Apple Cider and Sage, which I paired with Roasted Garlic and Cheese Mashed Potatoes, and Haricot Verts with Shallots.

Went shopping and bought the pork tenderloin.  Why do they come in two?  I  only wanted one.  Had I wanted or needed two, I would have bought two.  So, here is the dilemma.  Do I freeze the second one, grill it, double the recipe (which almost never works for me), or what?  The meat department has added to my stress and it really pisses me off.  The first thing is to cut the fat and the silverskin off the pork tenderloin.  Why?  I just do what I'm told because I don't have time to look up why we must do such things.  Is the world going to come to an end if I leave the silverskin on?  Ok, for you Internet, I just looked it up.  I got to the point where they said it was a membrane and decided that was good enough reason to take it off.  Something else about toughness and meat curling.  Could've lived with those things, but the membrane thing is gross.  Really, cooking in general is really gross.  We are taking parts of an animal and getting real friendly with membranes, innards, skin, fat, etc.  If it weren't so tasty, it would make you want to be a vegetarian.  Anywho, I decided to go ahead and fix all the meat.  The kids can have little pork sandwiches for snacks after school. 

The pork was just ok.  The potatoes were a little grainy.  The green beans ROCKED.  Here is the recipe for that:

Haricot Verts with Shallots

Haricots Verts (french green beans) about a pound

1 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil (not sure if I used this much)

2 t Dijon Mustard

2 t White Wine Vinegar (I usually make my own)

1 big shallot

Steam green beans until just tender. I like mine crunchy, Lori. While they are steaming, whisk together remaining ingredients and add salt and pepper to taste.

Toss beans with dressing.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Tonight?  Sliders with Pumpkin Risotto and some vegetable I haven't come up with.  Bon Appetit!

Is it too early to complain? Didn't think so...

I know we haven't seen much of each other lately and I hate to start complaining, but Atlantic City, NJ, could possible be the most miserable entertainment "Mecca" on earth.  Maybe I'm spoiled, but when you go somewhere to have a good time, and spend your money, is it asking too much for a little help from the people who live and work there?  I've decided it is the land of low expectations. 

Your room?  All you hope for is a room with the fewest stains possible.  Hmmmm, didn't get that this time.

This looks kind of pink in the picture, but it was red.  Blood red.  I guess the chalk marks where the body was outlined came up better than the blood.

Maybe some good lighting to read a book?  Maybe a light at all?  Light bulb?  Shade?  Flashlight?

Room Service?  Of course we have room service.  Yes, you would need to come to the front desk to get a menu.  Really???  Kind of defeating the purpose of the room service.  If I have to get off my ass to walk the 12 minutes across the casino floor to get to the front desk to pick up a room service menu, I'm probably just going to grab something while I'm out.  However, if I wanted to have pizza delivered, I had a few menus to choose from that graciously landed under my door everyday.

Ok, I can deal with the crappy accommodations but do you have to be so freaking rude?  EVERYONE is hateful.  It starts the second the airline wheels touch the ground in New Jersey.  The toll booth guy acts like he could just eat off your arm as you extend it with the money as quickly as possible.  The sign says, "Welcome to New Jersey - Now go Home."

Ask anyone who lives there or has lived there.  There is something different about the Jersey temperament than the temperament of other states.  They aren't bad people - just rude.  Mean.  More irritable. 

Everyone is always so surprised when they come to Vegas and everyone is so nice.  OF COURSE WE ARE NICE.  WE WANT YOUR MONEY!  SEE HOW EASY THAT IS???????????????????

Where have I been?

I guess I should have told you where I've been, why I haven't been posting, and if I plan to return.  I should have, but I didn't.  Do you know why?  Yeah, me neither.  There is no good excuse.  I've told you before that I'm just lazy.  I will try to be better.  The End.

Swine Flu

There is so much hysteria around Swine Flu in the world right now, and the majority of it is coming from my household.  Robert has insisted that if anyone is diagnosed, they will be banished to the backyard in a tent.  Now, we vow to make the tent nice.  Might even string an extension cord out there for a TV or radio.  He doesn't want to be rash.  The kids have been lectured on washing their hands so much that their skin is starting to get translucent from the scrubbing.  Of course, just like everything else, NOW they say that washing your hands doesn't really help ward off the H1N1 virus. 

Let me give you two examples.  The first:  I'm sitting in an assembly at school and some slob I'm sitting next to, someone with H1N1, sneezes and doesn't cover his mouth.  The second: Someone with H1N1 rubs his nose, shakes my hand, and then I rub my nose.  In which situation am I more likely to catch the flu?

An infectious disease specialist said that the effer who sneezed on me is more likely, much more likely, to give me the flu since inhaling particles results in a bigger dose of the virus.  So, washing your hands wouldn't prevent you from getting the flu at all because some poor bastard is going to sneeze on you and his spittle is going to go in your nose or eyes.  My pediatrician is reluctant to give out the vaccine because they think it was rushed to market. So, I guess we should all live in individual tents in the backyard.  We shouldn't go to work (see how I snuck that in), or take our kids back and forth to school, golf, dance, broadway, performances, boxing, etc., or socialize with anyone else.  Hey, this doesn't sound so bad.  This might be the perfect disease for my laziness.  Sitting in a tent in the backyard, with electricity, and having nothing else to do for a week.  Hmmmmm. 

Hallelujah

See how things work?  Not just a few short hours from my previous post of scientific research than comes a blessing of ginormous proportions.  Apparently, and we are accepting this one, scientists have followed 2,800-plus people and have concluded that small thigh circumference is associated with a bigger risk of heart disease and premature death.  This effect was independent of body fat percentage and BMI.

See justification here:  Http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/339/sep03_2/b3292

If you really read this, it does spell out a few disclaimers, but I would just go with it.  Yes, there might be more muscle, blah, blah, blah, but there could be a million reasons why.  There is hope, my friends.  Big thighs are going to save you from an early death.  Don't fret again as you shove the last french fry in your mouth - it could actually save your life.  

More Stupid Research

Scientists in California found that middle-aged people who ran for 40 minutes a day, for a total of about 5 hours per week, lived longer and functioned better physically and cognitively as they got older.  The researchers tracked runners and nonrunners for 21 years.

Really?  That is shocking.

"What surprised us is that the runners didn't just get less heart disease — they also developed fewer cases of cancer, neurologic diseases, and infections," says study author Eliza Chakravarty, MD, an assistant professor of medicine at Stanford University School of Medicine. "Aerobic exercise keeps the immune system young." If you don't like to run, even 20 minutes a day of any activity that leaves you breathless can boost your health, she says.

Here is a link to the entire article. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32272813/ns/health-aging/

Isn't this kind of a "duh" moment?  First of all, to get to 5 hours a week, you really need to run 43 minutes per day, 7 days a week.  If you are running that much, OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN BETTER SHAPE.  Chances are that when you run that much, you probably don't make In-N-Out burger a regular haunt.  You probably take really good care of yourself and eat right.  So, just saying running every day for 43 minutes is going to offer all these health benefits is so irresponsible.  Coffee is good for you.  Coffee is bad for you.  No, coffee is good for you.  Ugh.  What is the truth?

I say we come up with our own research.  Here is one that happened this week.  Robert and I went to dinner where I had a cocktail and a bottle of wine.  The next morning, I woke up at 5:30 with a HUGE hangover.  I proceeded to my group run at 6 am, where I had a great run, probably one of my best.  Conclusion: To run faster and longer, drink a bunch the night before.  Another one:  Eating a huge steak, au gratin potatoes, asparagus in butter, and dessert might interfere with weight loss.  Conclusion: Pigging out won't help you lose weight.  See?  This isn't really so hard.  Here is one I would like to see:  Broccoli is bad for you (I hate the stuff).  Maybe a research conclusion that 1 cupcake a day will make you taller.  THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!  Yes, let's do that one.  Anyone want to be my test subject?  Control group?

What kind of Facebook user are you?

I read an article yesterday about the different annoying users of Facebook.  The full article is http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/08/20/annoying.facebook.updaters/index.html but I am just going to post his version of the 12 most annoying users here.

Here are 12 of the most annoying types of Facebook users:

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic." You're kidding! How fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Just because you have 432 Facebook friends doesn't mean we all want to know when you're waiting for the bus. 

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.

The Chronic Inviter. "Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you?"

What type of Facebook user are you?????????????????

Great email I received today - Random Thoughts

*       I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*       More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*       Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

*       Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

*       I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

*       The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.
This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again..

*       Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

*       There is a great need for sarcasm font.

*       I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

*       How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

*       I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

*       I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

*       Was learning cursive really necessary?

*       I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

*       Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*       How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

*       I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

*       While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

*       MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*       Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*       I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*       Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

*       I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

*       Bad decisions make good stories

*       Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

*       If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

*       Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

*       You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*       Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

*       There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

*       I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

*       "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

*       I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure.. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
Will we still be friends after this?'

*       While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

*       I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

*       I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*       I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

*       Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

*       As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

*       Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

*       It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*       I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*       Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

*       Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time... every time...

*       It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

*       I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

*       I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

*       I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with liquor than with "Kay".

*       The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.  There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

4 years 3 months but may end very soon...

I received an email from Krys today about a conversion with her 4- year-old daughter, Sofia, that took place yesterday.

Sofia:  You're fat, Mom.

Krys:  Whaddya mean?

Sofia:   Just look at yourself.

Now, Krys is not at all overweight.  Never has been.  In fact, she weighs 3 pounds less than she did before she became pregnant with Vanessa.  Krys told Sofia that she had hurt Mommy's feelings. 

Today, when Sofia didn't want to go to the gym this morning, Krys said had to go so she could lose weight.

Sofia:  Yeah, we better go.

 

Another example of why animals eat their young.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

Let me get this straight because I never really thought about it before.  The bird on the Cocoa Puff commercial, Sonny, can't eat the Cocoa Puffs because he will go crazy. If I get it, that's the premise. Only, he always does and goes crazy anyway.  What kind of trouble does he create when he has one of his "episodes?"  He doesn't break stuff, doesn't make a mess, and doesn't seem to screw up any relationships.  I will admit that it is a tad annoying, but isn't it nice to see some people just cut loose occasionally?  Don't you think it's funny when the person you never see drink has one too many?  I mean it's not funny when they make a total ass of themselves, but cutting loose isn't something to be ashamed of.  This damn bird has had to live a lie for the past 40 years.  He's like the closet smoker of breakfast cereals.  You know he's going to eat it and go crazy, so just embrace it and let him.  This ad campaign has been on my entire life, and I just thought it through for the first time today.  Now, if it takes over 40 years of seeing a commercial hundreds, if not thousands of times to get the premise, do you count that a success?  If I bought Cocoa Puffs, it wasn't because of Sonny.  It was only because they were little puffs of chocolatey goodness. 

I say let the bird eat the damn puffs.  Go crazy.

The Honeymoon is over...

The honeymoon phase lasted longer than most.  Almost two years.  Yes, we all know how it was in the beginning.  You get a little spark when you see him. You still are amazed at what he can actually do for you.  He brings you pure joy.  You are proud to have him by your side.  In those two years, there was only one major issue but it was totally my fault.  All was forgiven.  In a new relationship, you tend to be less demanding and more forgiving but all that was unnecessary as he gave you everything you could have wanted and more.  You constantly raved to your friends over the utter perfection and watch as they surreptitiously roll their eyes in unbelieving disgust.  Then it begins.   A few annoying things start to crop up, but you tend to overlook those because of all the other wonderful features.  After two years of bliss, you wonder if it might be time for an upgrade.  Not leaving the family, but just contemplating a newer model. Maybe the younger brother.  So, I took the plunge.  I upgraded my iPhone to the new fancy 3G model.

MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN SO MISERABLE (technologically speaking).  I think they do this on purpose.  They suck you in with this great little device, make it to where it would be really hard to live without, and then pull the rug out after you have dropped another couple of hundreds of dollars.  Now, to be fair to the new guy, I'm pretty sure it is the 3G network. I never had an issue with the first gen phone.  This one, OMG.  First of all, I can't get a call when I'm in the house.  So, I'm slowly training people to call the house phone if they think I might be home.  You can see how this is working well.  Basically, my friends and family must be somewhat psychic to talk to me.  If they do call on my iPhone, I can go outside to the top of the pool area, out in the open and not under the tree, and can hear for about 4 minutes.  After that, all bets are off.  You can imagine how much fun this is when it is 110 degrees outside, which it's been for the past month.  The dropped calls are staggering.  I don't remember having this poor of service when I had my bag phone. 

So, not only is the honeymoon over, but the love affair could be over as well.  Is it time to throw in the towel?

The Bactine Mom

I always wanted to be the Bactine mom.  You know the one.  The mom that was always there with the can of Bactine ready and available if you fell off your bike.  Jason, my friend down the street, had the Bactine mom.  She was always there for the neighborhood kids.  She would spray us up and send us back out to play.  It was only a few houses down from mine, but I always preferred the cool, Bactine treatment.  We didn't have anything like that at my house.  We used old home remedies from the 1900's.  It's so weird, isn't it?  No one questions what your parents do to you.  For example, every year I would get strep throat at least once a year.  I would go to my mother with a raging sore throat, and here she would come with the Merthiolate and some long cotton swabs.  I would lay down in front of the sliding glass doors so she could see, and she would swab my throat with Merthiolate.  After a miserable night, she would take me to the doctor the next day for antibiotics.  If your home treatment doesn't EVER work, why do you keep trying it?  The doctor would look in my throat and always comment how red it was.  Well, that could be the dye from the Merthiolate because if you got that stuff anywhere, it was pink forever.  Fast forward for 2009 and what do we now know about Merthiolate?  Here are a few fun facts:

• Merthiolate is a mercury-containing substance
• It was used as a preservative in many different products, including vaccines
• It is very easy to get Merthiolate poisoning.  This occurs:
• When large amounts of the substance are swallowed or come in contact with your skin
• Poisoning may also occur if you are exposed to small amounts of Merthiolate constantly over a long period of time
• The FDA banned the use of Merthiolate in over-the-counter products in the late 1990s, although I'm sure you could still find some in Maxine's medicine cabinet

How in the hell did we all survive?  Our parents were constantly trying to kill us with their crazy home remedies, front seat no seatbelt car riding, back of pickup truck riding, etc. 

When my kids were born, I made sure I had a can of Bactine ready to go when they started to get the inevitable knee scrapes.  Reality set in, and I know I own some, but I can never find it.  My "medicine cabinet" is a series of drawers and cabinets that have all prescriptions, sunscreen, gauze, and all kinds of crap that probably expired 10 years ago.  There are so many locations of all this stuff, there is no way you could ever find what you needed for your particular ailment.  I know I have Bactine, but I don't know where it is.  I have also replaced the Bactine with my favorite, Neosporin, which is my go-to cream.  Oh yes, the Maxine gene again.  I put Neosporin on everything.  Slash a three inch gash in your forehead?  Spread some Neosporin in it.  Athlete's Foot?  You guessed it, Neosporin.  First degree sunburn?  Neosporin.  Insect bites?  Neosporin.  Now, I know that Neosporin doesn't work on all these things, but I can't find the right cream and it makes everyone feel better to smear something on your boo boo.  Someday Taylor will be blogging about her crazy mother and the Neosporin.

I see that ad on TV where the Mom's are all at the playground with their to-go Bactine spinning around on their fingers and feel a sense of guilt.  Where did I go so terribly wrong in my child-rearing?  Why, oh why, couldn't she blog about my obsession with Bactine?  I really did want one.

Old People are Mean

When my mother was younger, you could honestly say she was one of the nicest people in the world. I'm not saying she was going to fall over herself doing things for you, but she always had a smile on her face (except when I got caught sneaking out) for everyone around her. I was having a conversation with my sister today and she told me that Mom was mean to the lady who did her hair. I was shocked. She was always too proper and too concerned with what other people thought to make anyone mad at her or be rude to people. Now she doesn't give a shit who she offends and what she says. Of course, my first thought was about myself. Can you imagine what a raging bitch I will be at that age? I'm not near as nice as she was.

It's a Disgrace

I receive a daily gaming report that mostly talks about the investment arm of gaming.  It tells how the stocks are doing, any major stories, etc.  You know, an industry newsletter.  I read it faithfully.  Never know what you might learn.  It's usually really boring, but I came across something yesterday that really ticked me off.  Please keep in mind that Nevada was probably the hardest hit state by the recession.  Our property values are down 40 to 80%, which explains why we have the highest foreclosure rate in the country.  Our unemployment is still on the rise and is over 12%.  Everywhere you look, you see buildings that are half-built or abandoned.  It's not good. 

Enter the government and how we can always count on them to help.  The following is an excerpt from the Fantini Report, the gaming industry newsletter:

Newspapers seemed to have gaming on the brain in the last 24 hours.   The Wall Street Journal published a story on how the U.S. government may be saying they are not doing anything to hurt areas like Las Vegas but their actions are speaking a lot louder than their words.  The WSJ said that big agencies like the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture are being encouraged to host meetings in places like St. Louis, Milwaukee and Denver, rather than Las Vegas, Reno or Orlando.   The article discussed how a conference planner for MGM Mirage’s New York – New York Hotel & Casino tried to book a conference with the FBU but was sent an e-mail saying the Dept. of Justice decided conferences are not to be held in cities that are vacation destinations/spa/resort/gambling.   Las Vegas and Orlando were the two specifically listed as no-no’s.  The Dept. of Justice told the WSJ that they have guidance that says avoid locations and accommodations that give the appearance of being lavish or are resort destinations.   The U.S. Travel Association showed the irony of all this because locations on the black list are known for having the most hotel rooms and conference space and often offer the best deals on meetings and conferences.   The Association said they believe the agencies are worried about scrutiny and in order to avoid criticism from the media, they are spending more money.   When are they going to start getting media criticism for that or for the fact that their actions are resulting in lost jobs.  Has everyone forgotten the White House Chief of Staff statement that “government travel is not focused on specific destinations but on cost and efficiency?”   The people at the top will point fingers at individual agencies such as the Agriculture Dept. who said the guidelines for meetings include:  a travel hub; low cost; and a non-resort location.

Nice.  In typical government fashion it makes total sense.  Let's spend more money so that no one talks bad about us.  Let's put our money in cities with 9.8% unemployment (Milwaukee), instead of cities with over 12%.  Oh, and for all you convention goers this year, have fun in the Midwest while you think about what you are missing in Vegas.

Ok, I'm trying

I know I have been absent for awhile. There has been a lot going on. Lots of travel, sick family members, wedding showers, etc. I'm going to try to get back to writing.

We are going to start out with more triathlon training (yeaahhhh). I've just started training again for a triathlon in October. Somehow, since the last one I've managed to gain 10 pounds so that stops here. I wish I was at the weight I was when I was complaining I was fat. I'm working with the same coaches as before so that will be good. I'm going to try and log what I do everyday and hopefully that will spark a few stories.

Today I swam 3500 meters. Hmmm, no story.

My coaches suggested getting a new scale. I hate them for that. They suggested one of those fancy numbers that tell you percentage of body fat, metabolic age, and a bunch of other stuff I can't figure out because I can't get past the percentage of body fat. WHOA MAMMA! Have you ever been on one of those bastards? What kind of sick person came up with this tool? I'm guessing someone with 10% body fat. Now, I'm not giving out numbers but let's suffice it to say that it isn't pleasant. Also, probably not great for someone obsessed by their weight. If you lose a pound, then you can gain a pound of body fat. The whole thing is exhausting. I know it's not completely accurate, but yikes. Time to put down the fork, sister. It's just so hard when there is so much yummy food around. Bev set me up with a delicious meal over the weekend and some beautiful tomatoes which cried out for bacon. Of course, I had to oblige. It was my first bacon and tomato sandwich of the year. Based on today's scale numbers, it will also be the last. The few little jewels that came home with me on the airplane, will be eaten sans bacon. Dammit. Why does bacon have to be so tasty?

British scientists have pinpointed the exact chemical reaction that makes bacon so tasty. The Maillard reaction, which occurs between an amino acid and a reducing sugar when heated, releases the smells and flavors that make people salivate. Your mouth is watering now, isn't it?

In my many trips this month, I read the Spirit magazine on the Southwest flights. There was actually a drink made with bacon. Bacon flavored vodka and the garnish was a little piece of tightly wound bacon resembling a straw. Oh, you wrinkle your nose but you know you want to try it. In fact, everywhere I turn there are more and more ways to use bacon. America is in a sort of bacon explosion, and I can only applaud the expansion. I'm not, however, applauding the expansion of my waistline but to be fair to bacon, I don't think it is entirely to blame. I have recently seen bacon-flavored coffee. Now, we could get our entire breakfast from our coffee. If you had someone who had pancake flavored coffee, you could switch off and have a great breakfast - all with very few calories. For dessert, there is chocolate covered bacon. Mmmmmmm. Right when all the great bacon recipes are emerging, I have to watch my bacon input. It's so unfair.

Wake up, America. Embrace the Bacon Explosion. To fully enjoy it, I don't suggest buying one of those stupid scales.

My life aint so bad

This is why I'm involved with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Elli Wolpe, a cancer survivor, became part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society family when her husband David was diagnosed with follicular non-Hodgkin lymphoma. She is now one of our Team In Training® (TNT) participants. Here is a portion of her speech from the San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon Pasta Party.
I remember reading once that when people tell the story of an event that changed their lives, they often begin with the words: "It was a day that started just like any other day..."
The same is true for us. It was a day that started just like any other day when I got a follow up call after my annual exam. I was 31 and a new mother. And I had cancer. It changed my life forever. But I was one of the lucky ones, it was caught early and I survived.
It was a day like any other day when my husband, David, had a grand mal seizure. We learned it was caused by a brain tumor that was removed in a 10-hour surgery. But he was one of the lucky ones. It was benign and he survived.
It was a day like any other day when, just two a half years later, David found a swollen lymph node that led to the diagnosis of follicular non-Hodgkin lymphoma.
Luckily, the chemo worked and he went into remission. But being in remission is not the same thing as being cured. In January, he got the last of his Rituxan®, a monoclonal antibody that was developed in part by funding from The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
Now we play the waiting game. Because incurable means it's coming back. Only we don't know when. All we know is that it will be on a day just like any other day...
Your support for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society matters - to my husband, my daughter, myself... You are changing the world for people like us.

To learn more about LLS, please visit us at www.LLS.org.

Hey! Hey! Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!

Taylor was complaining about the food at her Dad's house the other day.

Taylor: He even fed us a Macho Man.

Me: A Macho Man?

Taylor: Yes, a Macho Man. Can you believe how gross that is?

Me: Um, do you mean a Hungry Man?

Apparently, over there they have their food provided by the Village People.

Airplane Bathroom Etiquette

One of the most debated and biggest frustration for women is the toilet seat debate.  Seriously, how hard is it to put down the toilet seat?  About as hard as replacing the toilet paper, I think.  Both seem tricky for most men.  Leaving the toilet seat up is a clear statement of control and power.  Men do not own the toilet seat.  Men don't get to decide that the normal position of the seat is up.  If it were meant to be up, it would be decorated better so it looked good in the up position.  Now, it just looks like it has been cleaned and no one put it back down. 

I don't have this problem in my house as my husband is a gentleman, and Nick is too lazy to put it up in the first place.  However, while I was on my flights last week, I had to use the restroom on the plane.  Usually this is something I can avoid, but the 5+ hours of flight time sometimes get me.  I stand up and start to climb over my husband to get to the aisle, and the 50ish year old man behind me jumps up and rushes in front of me to the restroom.  He clearly saw me and was just being a jerk.  So, he comes out of the bathroom and I move in.  HE LEFT THE SEAT UP.  Ugh.  Now, if we can get past the point where it is just rude, WHICH WE CAN'T, it is also extremely unsanitary.  If you don't put the toilet's lid down before, the forceful flush will vault microscopic bits and pieces of the throne's remnants into the air like a windblown dandelion. So, not only is he a gross disgusting man, but now he has catapulted little bits of shit all over the bathroom. 

Thankfully, I'm not married to this guy because if he does it on the plane, you KNOW his wife falls in.  Can we be a little considerate to fellow passengers? 

Children In First Class

Should children ever be allowed in first class?  My answer is a big, fat NO.  Well, maybe a qualified no.  I say this since I spent hours with children in first class as we traveled across the country last week.  On the first leg, which was an overnight flight, there was a 3 year old in the seats in front of us.  She didn't misbehave, but she didn't use her indoor voice either.  Half way through the flight, somewhere over Kansas, she throws up.  Not only that, but the Clampets had also brought their dog and she threw up on the dog carrier.  So, there was all kinds of drama in the middle of the flight/middle of the night cleaning up her puke.  Clearly not her fault, but none of the adults in first class puked.  If they needed to, they would know that they needed to go to the restroom to do so. 

When business travelers complain about kids in first class, fellow frequent fliers call them elitists, kid-haters or worse.  I always feel for the mother who has to deal with the crying baby on the flight.  As we all sit in coach, I have great sympathy for her and always want to volunteer to hold the little tyke and give her a break.  In first class, it makes me crazy.  People think it is self righteousness or over-inflated self worth and they are trying to decide who can or can't fly on a plane, but I just look at it like I have paid a premium to sit here.

The next flight, there was another under 4 child who sat in front of us with a case of what sounded like swine flu.  The child didn't cover her mouth and blew the germs all over the cabin.  I didn't tell Robert as he is a germophobe and it could have ruined the entire trip.  None of the adults in first class had swine flu, and if they did, they covered their mouths when they sneezed and coughed.

My qualified answer is if the parents have raised their children properly, there should never be a problem on a flight.  When my kids were little, I brought their car seats on the plane and they sat in those on the flight.  Just like in the car, they had to sit in their seats until the plane stopped moving.  I did have them in business class back and forth to Australia.  There was no way in hell I was flying coach to Australia.  I did it plenty of times, and if they wanted me over there to work, they were paying for business.  The kids were perfect.  I know the other people in the cabin cringed when we came on board, but the kids slept for 10 hours, watched movies, ate, and enjoyed being pampered. 

As with everything with children, don't blame the children.  It is usually the parent's fault.  However, toddlers in first class is never a good thing.  Once they hit about 7, you can reason with them (or beat them in the bathroom).  Until then, keep the little ones out of first class so I don't catch swine flu or have their puke roll back on my shoes.

Funerals

Robert had a relative that died late last week.  The funeral was on Monday, and so we went to Rhode Island for the services.  Why do people get so weird anytime you mention the word funeral?  People ask the most bizarre questions. 

First, they want to know how old the person was when they died.  I'm not sure the magic age where they "had a good life" but if it is over 70, then they had a good life and the death was justified.  I think this is so people can vary their degree of sympathy.  For instance, this lady was 86, so you wouldn't get much sympathy.  For someone like my sister who was 39, or God forbid, a child, then the sympathy level is raised.

Another favorite question is how close were you to the person.  Wow, that is so none of your business.  Again, I think this is so people can justify the amount of sympathy they are going to project.  What, do you want to know if I cried?  Will it make you feel better to know that I cried?  Are you trying to justify me taking a few days off to go to the funeral? 

They are in a better place.  Really?  Because I thought they were just fine where they were and I could see them and talk to them as much as I wanted.  Funerals really aren't for the people who are gone, but for the people that are left behind.  AND I WASN'T DONE WITH THAT PERSON!  Maybe they are in a better place, but they left me in a crappy place.

I told someone today where I had been, and he simply said, funerals are never a good thing.   See?  How hard was that?  He's right.  No matter how old the person was, how close we were, or if they are in a better place, funerals are never a good thing. 

Robert's cousin, Anna, used to make me the most amazing lasanga every Christmas.  In fact, she made sure that Robert had a piece for me after I got off the plane at midnight on Christmas night.  God speed, Anna.  I'm going to miss you.

Iron Girl

Sorry this is so late. I know you all have been on pins and needles to find out how I did in the last triathlon. So, I will take you through the day. Since this is held at a fancy resort, the family stayed with me at the hotel. We spent 3 hours at the pool on Friday afternoon, and then ordered room service where I carbo loaded on pasta. Woke up at 4:30 am and ate my breakfast of yogurt and oatmeal.

I meet up with my friend, Tonya, at 5:30 in the transition area. We laid out all our stuff, and started to “slip” into our wetsuits. After spraying myself down with what looks like Pam cooking spray, comes the task of trying to fit my fat ass in a very tight wetsuit. We then walk about a half mile to the start of the swim. I make Tonya get into the water to do a practice swim since this was my problem last time. As we go into the water, I notice that it is BLACK. Only one thing I know makes water black and that is sewage. EEEEWWWWWW. I told you this race was gross and unorganized. Once we got away from shore, it was fine, but how sick is that? This race starts from land and we run as fast as we can, do a belly flop, and start to swim. Let me tell you this is where your heart rate goes up and you panic. I DIDN’T PANIC THIS TIME. Yippee. The biggest problem was that the bouys were too small, and some of the race issued swim caps that define your division were the same color as the buoy, so it was hard to sight where to go. Anyway, I did the ½ mile swim in 16 minutes, which was in the top 10%.  A note for my coaches:  I have one speed and that is on.  Need to work on that.

So, you get out of the sludge, and have to run .3 miles to the transition area. This is why everyone hates this race. There has got to be a better way then to make everyone run that far to transition. I felt like I ran the whole time, got into my bike stuff fairly quickly, but it somehow took me 6 minutes to transition. I don’t know. With that time, I could’ve stopped and had breakfast.  Maybe sucked down a Bloody Mary.

Off to the bike. I think I’ve told you this before, but they mark in black Sharpie your age that you will be at the end of the year on the back of your leg. I love it when I pass someone on the bike that is half my age. I did ok on the bike. Here is my issue. I get so caught up in watching everyone, enjoying the day, etc. that I forget to race hard. I’m just out for a Sunday ride. I had to remind myself a couple of times to step it up. The bike was 2 miles short of a standard Sprint triathlon. Why? There is no reason we couldn’t have gone one more mile out before turning around.  Another reason why people hate this race.  I finished the bike in 41min.  I did see a girl who was on the side of the road covered in blood.  I guess she went over her handlebars.  The ambulance was on its way as I passed her.  See?  There is good stuff to look at.

Transition time from bike to run was 2:42 min.  I knew what was coming, and would have liked to hang out and have a Bloody Mary at that point, but I had to run.  At least I thought I knew what was coming.  The run was out in the desert in an area cleared out for construction.  All dust and rocks.  Somehow, they made the entire course uphill, or so it felt.  If there was a downhill portion, it was so covered in rocks that you still needed to take it easy in order not to break an ankle.  Excuses, excuses.  I pretty much walked the entire way.  It took me 40 minutes to complete.  Ugh.  I know, I know.  Running is my priority now.  Thankfully, my coaches said to take it easy for a couple of weeks so I've been pretty lazy.

Overall, my time was 1:48:13.  It was 10 minutes faster than my previous race, but the bike was 2 miles shorter.  My husband is so cute.  He took all the times and analyzed them to make me look better.  Here are the highlights:

• I finished 196th of 526 participants - in the top third
• I beat the averages for all 526 participants in swimming, first transition, biking (everything but second transition and dreadful running)
• In my age group, I was the 9th best swimmer
• My favorite - I was the only person named Melissa in the race, making me #1

Just so you know, five of the overall Top 10 performers were from the 40-49 age group.  The first two finishers were 49, and 45.  Ladies, there is hope for us yet. 

The next one is the biggie in October.  Anyone interested?

Teaching children important things from your past

Our cat, Enzo, is obese.  I said it.  We've tried to do interventions.  We've hired personal trainers, we've tried drugs, food restrictions, nutritional experts, but the cat refuses to change. He loves his fat.  He owns it.  He's made it his own.  We are done trying to help.  We love our fat cat, and since he is almost 14, he seems to be fine.  Enzo was running through the house which makes his fat swing from side to side.  Taylor commented that he could use a sports bra.  For some reason, that triggered a childhood song which I shared with the children.  I would like to thank Brad Steck for teaching this to me:

Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro

Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow

Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier

Do you boobs hang low.

After I belted this out, both kids looked at me with empty stares.  No one knew quite what to say. 

My work here is done.

American Idol Conspiracy Theory

I'm in Arizona again this week. Home away from home. In the past week, I have only slept in my own bed one day. Last weekend, we went to Seattle to see the Red Sox series of games, which was awesome but extended my travels. I will have to reintroduce myself to the kids when I get home.

I had dinner with an old friend here this week and he has an interesting American Idol conspiracy theory that he shared with me on Monday, two days before the finale. He is convinced that the whole thing is rigged. I was a couple of beers into it, so bear with me while I try to repeat it. It goes something like this:

He was convinced that Kris would win because he could only sell CD's if he won. Adam had to make the top 2 to avoid controversy. So, it was ok that Gokey had to go at number 3 because he will still sell CD's and have a career. This has happened over the past as well. Basically, it is all about the record producers selling the maximum number of CD's.

He actually may be on to something. I have another theory and it was that after Adam heard the "winning" song, he did not want that to be his first single and he begged everyone he knew to vote for Kris. How bad is that song?

Happy Mother's Day

This is the letter I received from Taylor today:

Dear Momma,

Good morning!  Happy Mother's Day!  When are they going to make a kid's day?  Nevermind.  Thank you for giving birth to me.  I love life.  I've really never thanked you about that.

Also, I just wanted you to know how proud of I am of you for doing triathlons.  I go to school and brag all the time about having a tri-athlete as a mom.  I've very happy about the amount of money Team in Training raises for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  Just think of all the people you've helped.

Momma, thanks for getting me to do Seussical Jr.  If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't be a bird girl, and that would stink.  Thank you for being there for me and pushing me along (Literally).  Just kidding.

Love,

Sugarfoot (aka)

Taylor Mae

I've created a monster

I have a big meeting today where I will wear a suit, but don't really need to get dressed up yet to take Tay to school.  So, I throw on a pair of shorts, t-shirt, and tennis shoes.  Hair in a pony.  Hey, I showered.

Taylor comes in the room and looks at me and says, "Your outfit just screams Target." 

Nice.

This is the same child that when she was 7, and we were in Australia, came into the room while I was getting ready for work.  It was 4:00 in the morning, but she was up because it took awhile for everyone to get adjusted to the time difference.  I woke up really early so I could drive to work when no one else was on the road.  It was SOOOOO scary driving.  Wrong side of the road and wrong side of the car.  Anyway, she comes in all sleepy, rubs her little eyes, lifts her head up from my feet to my eyes very slowly, and says, "You aren't going to wear that, are you?" 

You might think it is mean, but the little thing doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  The sad truth is that she's right.  Fifty percent of my outfit was from Target, and it was time to lose the tight skirt.  All those years of nagging her about her clothes are blowing up in my face!

Could my life be any more boring?

I'm not complaining about my boring life, but it's hard to write a blog when there is nothing going on.  My pool heater pump broke. See how exciting?  I was thinking about washing the exterior windows since it was hard to see out of them, but found someone else to do it.  Even more excitement...

I know you guys are sick of triathlon talk but I think that is where my head is at the moment.  I have another one on Saturday.  This one is not as well organized as the one a couple of weeks ago, but it is at a fancy resort.  My plan was to take the kids out of school on Friday and go to the resort and let them play in the pools and the beach.  I know, a beach in Las Vegas is creepy.  You should have to swim in it.  Big ew.  However, work always gets in the way and I have this big meeting on Friday afternoon that is completely ruining my pool plans.  We will get there eventually.  I have to check in my bike, etc.  The kids are looking forward to it, so I will try to carbo load by the pool.  Hmmmm, eating a bunch of carbs in my swimsuit.  Something not computing here.

Krys, Ginny, Fred, and Jaye are also coming in this weekend.  Not the greatest timing with the tri but it will be great to see everyone and we have a pool day scheduled on Sunday.  What a great way to spend Mother's Day. 

Will do another recap of the race on Saturday.  I know you are thrilled.  Your life can't possibly be as boring as mine.

Must be something in the air

My friend from Vegas, Terri, was crossing the border by car today from Canada to the U.S.  She has an interesting conversation with the Border Patrol agent that went like this:

Border Patrol:  How much cash do you have in the car?

Terri:  About a 1/2 tank.

Border Patrol:  You have cash in your tank?

Terri:  Cash?  I thought you said Gas.

He let her through in spite of herself.  Now, Terri is not related to Maxine so it must be something in the valley air that is clogging our ears.  Couldn't be age.

Expense Reports

I spent most of the day yesterday doing my expense reports for the past month.  Oh, I know that if I did them weekly, it wouldn't be such a huge task.  It first starts with digging through all my bags looking for crumpled receipts, then trying to navigate the incredibly complicated form provided by my company.  When you entertain someone, you have to provide their name, title, company, whether it was dinner, lunch, breakfast, or drinks.  Oh, and the last thing is what was actually discussed during the entertaining.  I had a quick chuckle last night remembering some of the conversations while I was watering these guys during the trade show.  So, on the form under business discussed, should I put down what was truly discussed?  If I recall, two guys were talking about how one of my competitors let these guys suck her toes.  Is that what they are after?

The Maxine Gene

Robert:  Looks like the Craigslist killer is on suicide watch.  They found shoelace marks around his neck.  His fiancee said...

Me (interrupting): Beyonce?  What does Beyonce have to do with any of this?  I think it is so irritating when celebrities inject their opinion into every issue.

Robert:  Beyonce?  I said fiancee, Grandma. 

Me:  Oh.  Sorry.

 

Sometimes, I think I'm a pretty smart chick.  Sometimes, the Maxine gene comes roaring in and I look like a total idiot.

Guest Blogger - Krys!

Since I am on the road so much, if anyone would like to guest blog, you are always more than welcome.  Of course, if it is effusive about me, it gets posted quickly.  I promise I did not pay Krys to say this.  I was very humbled.  Also, I am planning another triathlon fundraising with Team in Training to go to Austin in May 2010.  If you are interested in either Team in Training or just meeting up at the race, let me know.  It would be a great time!!

Guest Blogger - Krys

Little do most of you know that our Melissa has never been an athlete, ever, in her life--until recently.  I have a bunk knee and many more sports related injuries from all my younger sporting days and we both laugh that she is starting with a fresh set of 'everything' as she never was that sporting type of gal.  But by golly she has always had the determination, vigor and ability to do and get whatever she wants/needs.  And obviously, she wanted/needed to do this triathlon for Sandi.  Don't get me wrong, she accomplishes so much more than you could ever know in the career field and in motherhood--those come easy for this remarkable woman (And she is teaching me as I go in the mothering category, a very trusted source.  Good thing she is going through the teen years before me, huh?)  I couldn't imagine losing one of my sisters but she has endured through a few of family tragedies and is still one of the strongest and endearing people I know.  I know my family counts her as part of our crazy bunch as well so really, she has another 4 (well really 3 if you know what I mean) that are here for you.

Melissa, I am encouraged, so proud of you and very glad you are my bestest buddy.  When you told me you are going to train for the BIG girl triathlon next, it made me want to swim and bike as well (I am currently a runner).  Maybe next time we could do it together?  Let's talk girly!  (Especially about equipment as my gym shorts probably won't get me through the course.)  YOU WILL GO FAR my friend...........God rest, sister Sandi. Peace--Krys

It was a GREAT day!!

The triathlon was amazing.  Our team raised over $30,000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I did this in honor of my sister, Sandi, who died of Leukemia.  Here is a run down of the day.

Woke up at 3:50 am.  Yikes.  Then had to eat breakfast.  Now I don't know about you, but I'm not really hungry at that time but it is important to shove it down.  The only time I have ever eaten at 4:00 am was usually a Waffle House, and I was almost always real sorry the next day.  Ew.  I then drove for an hour to the lake.  So, I'm there by 5:15, pump up my tires, and haul all my crap to the transition area in the dark.  We were lucky enough to have our own Team in Training bike rack so we could all be together. 

Here is the group before the event. 

My AWESOME coaches, Kevin and Chuck.

One of our team members forgot his wetsuit.  He had to call an ex-girlfriend who still has a key at 5:30 in the morning, ask her to drive 20 minutes to his house, get the wetsuit, and drive it to the lake.  Wow.  I guess their relationship ended on a good note.

In the wetsuit we head down to the freezing cold water. The coaches advise you to pee in your wetsuit when you get in the water.  Everyone does it.  Except me.  I can't.  First of all, it's too cold but mostly I just don't get peeing on myself and then sweating during the bike and swim.  Talk about needing a shower.  I have tried, but I have wetsuit fright.

Away, we go for our 1/2 mile swim!   I did NOT take my coach's advice and take a practice swim which probably cost me 3 minutes in the swim because I panicked.  When you first go out there, you get a feeling like you can't breathe and a bit claustrophobic because of the wetsuit and the cold temperature sending your heart rate soaring away.  There was a woman I didn't know who completely panicked and took off her wetsuit while in the lake and swam back to shore.  By the time she arrives, her body temp is down to 90 and she went away in the ambulance.  I just dog paddled for a bit until I gained my composure but lost time. 

Coming out of the lake.  I did the swim in 18:11, but should have been better.  Oh, is that why they have coaches?

I have NEVER had so many pictures of my ass.  It looks even bigger, if that is possible, in a wetsuit.  Wow, it is humongous.

Off to transition to bike.  You strip off your wetsuit, shove your wet feet into your socks, put on your helmet, and hop on your bike.  There is a bit of transition going from horizontal to vertical, so it takes a minute to get rid of your sea legs.  Seriously, did I pick out those glasses?  Yikes.

Basically, you're dripping water until about 5 miles into the bike.  The bike was pretty uneventful.  I felt well trained for that and was glad I had done most of the course.  There was this killer hill at the end of the ride that we hadn't seen.  Our coaches thought they should save a surprise for us.  Gee, thanks.  The bike was 20K and I did it in 54:12 minutes.

After the bike in the transition area getting advice from Coach Chuck.  I wasn't happy with my stomach at this point.  Too much Gatorade, I think.  Man, I hate that stuff.  Notice how neat and tidy the transition area is by mid race?  Take off the helmet and bike shoes, shove on the running shoes, hat, and take a hit off the inhaler.  I have Exercised Induced Asthma.  It is self-diagnosed and something I will probably take up with a sports doc pretty soon.

On the run.

Have I mentioned how much I hate running?  It is something I will be working on for the next 6 months to prepare for a big race in October.  So, don't laugh at me but it was a 5K and it took me 38:43 to complete.  Did I mention the first mile was uphill in the sand and rock?

Crossing the finish line.  The time above was the clock for the Half Ironman people, so doesn't reflect my time of 1:56:06.  I'm one one in purple.

Me and Taylor after it was all over.  Wow, those glasses must get lost soon.  Very soon.

All the personal bests were secondary to why we were really there, and that was to raise money for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  TNT (Team in Training) is an amazing organization that will train you do to a marathon or a triathlon while you raise money for them.  Several people have started their career or general obsession with sports through them.  If you ever thought of doing one of these endurance events, I suggest you go through them.  I met some really great people, and had a blast.  Was it work?  Absolutely!  My friend describes it a bit like childbirth.  You hate it while it is going on but afterward forget it because of how great you feel. 

Thanks so much to everyone who donated for this race.  You are all amazing friends!

TRIATHLON TOMORROW

The timing could not have been worse with the tri at the end of a trade show week where the only thing that got a work out was my liver.  I know, maybe a little self control would have been in order?  It is what it is and I will power through as best I can.

I'm doing this for Sandi.

Wish me luck!  The snow here this week probably didn't do much to warm up the lake so that part will be the most tricky.  Think warm thoughts at 6:45 PST tomorrow.  I will update everyone how it went and some photos along the way.

Go Team!

 

Trade Show Fun before Tri

I have a trade show in Phoenix this week full of drinking games, ball games, golf games, and reindeer games all rolling into my Triathlon on Saturday.  I'm not sure this is what my coaches meant by "tapering."  Yet it is always good to catch up with all the old cronies.  Ugh.  Look for me on TV on Monday as I will be at the Diamondbacks Game.  Go Diamondbacks!

Happy Easter!

While I should have been packing, shopping, getting a pedi, going to the store, and doing laundry, I opted to get sucked into a movie.  Not just any little ole movie, but a four-hour cinematography masterpiece.  Since it is Easter, it was the Oscar winning Ben-Hur.  It was a great movie.  Seriously, one of the most entertaining films I've seen in my life, but it was deliciously long.  Not a great day for it since I'm trying to leave town and it is a holiday.  I had a few other things I needed to do.  Reminded me of the time when friends from college decided they would watch a movie before studying for their tests, and ended up renting the Godfather trilogy.  They pulled an all nighter all right, but just watching the movies.  I don't think any studying actually happened.

Robert always makes fun of me because I like to watch the same movies over and over.  Nothing better than turning on the TV and finding Independence Day on for the 10,000th time, or 16 Candles, or my all-time favorite, Twister.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  Just because I know the dialogue verbatim doesn't make me a bad person.  Just lazy.  Of course I could find a movie I haven't seen before but the other is a sure thing.  Is it just me who does this?  Some of my favorite movies to watch over and over include:

1. The Devil Wears Prada
2. Twister
3. Independence Day
4. Step Up
5. 16 Candles
6. Shawshank Redemption
7. Father of the Bride
8. Urban Cowboy
9. Last Holiday
10. Juno
11. The Game
12. Breakfast Club
13. Silence of the Lambs
14. Love Actually
15. Legally Blonde
16. Fever Pitch
17. The King and I
18. Grease
19. Sixth Sense
20. Almost Famous

What's on your over and over list? 

WHAT IS UP WITH THIS WEATHER??????

It is almost mid-April which means we should be settling into some 90ish days of sweltering heat and dry as a bone conditions.  I'm getting ready to go take a quick dip in the lake in the 40 degree temperature with sheets of rain and wind that would make a Kansas wind be embarrassed.  Ugh.  My triathlon is next week and we have trained in some of the crappiest conditions.  I know, best to train in them so you're prepared, blah blah blah.  Would it have killed Mother Nature to give us 1 weekend of 80 degrees and sunny?  Since that is the forecast for the race, we haven't actually trained in those conditions.  OMG, I'm going to be completely screwed.

The Super Nanny Paddy Wagon

I hope I don't offend anyone who might own this car, but cars, like clothes, are extremely personal.  What works for one might not work for another.  For instance, you won't see me in leather pants but I'm ok if you want to wear them. 

Welcome to my lovely Arizona rental car.  I looked good while tooling around town in this thing.  Pretty much had to fight off the men trying to peek in the car to see who was driving such an awesome car.

I'm not sure Chevy's intention for making this car.  What is it?  A car, meat delivery truck, station wagon, paddy wagon, London taxi, or the Super Nanny car?  I'm guessing they weren't big sellers which is why you now find them in Avis' fleet of rentals.  It is not a beautiful vehicle.  When I would come to a stoplight, people would point and laugh.  It is also terribly uncomfortable.  I can't imagine how a normal (not short) person would fit in  this car.  I'm 5'2 and felt cramped.  I think this is Chevy's answer to the PT Cruiser.  While I would probably not purchase a PT Cruiser, I think they are cute and have some personality.  Hmmm, could this be part of the reason why GM is in trouble?  So, when they are in a design meeting and this comes up, why doesn't someone shout out, "No, No, No, unless we are naming this the Fugly, we are not making this car."  Or, maybe they could come up with something original because this bears a striking resemblance to a late 40's Chevy.  I'm just saying.

I guess I should count myself lucky.  When I returned it, someone next to me was returning the same car but in purple.  The Barneymobile.  I'm asking for that one when I go back in a couple of weeks.  AWESOME!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

I'm leaving for Arizona (again) for work for the week.  So posting will be light unless something really funny happens.  The only thing that would make this trip better would be my own place.  I need an apartment in Scottsdale.  Right down the street from Fashion Square, the mothership of all malls.  Ok, maybe not.

Why I Never Had Pets, Chapter 3

This is a Facebook thread between me and Krys over the weekend:

Me:  How goes the snow?

Krys: Welp, we only got 4-5 inches--not as bad as it was predicted but all the media hype sent the city into a frenzy! Ben and Sofia built a snowman at midnight and Lucy dog barks continuously at it as she thinks someone is in the yard! How annoying!

Now, that's funny.

Contributing to Porn on the Net

Most of what I write about is superfluous crap going on in my life or my weird observations about the world around me.  I'm sure you've noticed that I don't detail fights with my husband, information about my co-workers, or spill the precious secrets of my friends.  I do this to respect everyone I know, keep my job, and keep a few private moments for myself.  I've decided to throw that out the window because of something that happened today.  So, I'm putting myself out there.  Be gentle.

A little background.  I used to be really small.  I mean, I'm still as short as I've always been, but my legs and my thighs were in check. This is gross but I used to lie about my weight when I renewed my driver's license because I didn't want the women at the DMV to hate me.  I actually gave myself 10 pounds of weight on my license.  Just to put this in perspective, I'm now 10 pounds over the lie weight,  For those of you not so good at math, I am 20 pounds over my true weight in those days.  However, with my small frame came teeny, tiny breasts.  Even after two children, there was nothing there but a couple of fried eggs with nipples. 

I started my first gaming sales job in 2000.  It is actually the same job I'm doing today but for a different company.  With this job came some pretty good commission checks.  I decided that with my first commission check, I would look into breast augmentation.  That is sort of a lie.  I had "looked into" breast augmentation for years but now could finally fund it.  I went to a great surgeon in Arizona where I lived, and 9 years ago this week, did the deed.  It was, right up there with Lasik, the best thing I've ever done for myself.  Say what you want, but it was really nice to finally be able to wear a dress without taking it in at the top, blah blah blah.  I didn't get them huge.  I wasn't using them for profession purposes, only personal.  The one thing I said to the doctor was that I didn't want them to enter the room before I did.  I went from a -AA to a B+.  If you didn't know me before, you could never tell.

Fast forward to March, 2009.  I am doing the sales gig again and have Arizona as a territory.  I lived there for 8 years and LOVED it, so I'm completely psyched to be back on a regular basis.  I had great doctors when I lived there and the quality of health care in Nevada is like the health care in Missouri (sorry to all those health care professionals in MO I'm offending.  I don't mean you, I promise.  I'm talking more big picture).  So, I've decided to move back my doctors from NV to AZ.  Not the GP, but the gyn, dentist, and yes, the plastic surgeon.  Have I mentioned how much I love him?  His office does awesome facials and little injectables and you can discuss all the other things you want to do but don't have the money or the nerve.  This morning, I'm perusing the website looking for things I could chat about if I decided to do so, and waiting to make an appointment for next week while I'm in town.  I'm looking at my work schedule and looking for time to visit the office.  Things like Botox have been off the table while I was consulting unemployed, so in the first 20 seconds of working, I'm looking toward my previous lifestyle.  I'm ready to visit the good doctor.  This is a very slippery slope. 

I'm looking at the website, wondering if the girls are still in the right place, and looking at the good doctor's work.  My husband comes up behind me, asks me what I'm doing, and says, "Hey, that's you."  He's looking at the before and after photos.  "No way," I say.  "I would recognize those anywhere," he says, "Zoom in closer."  OMG.  The moles and freckles on my chest give it away.  I'M THE BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTO ON THE PLASTIC SURGEON'S WEBSITE.  My breasts are out there on the web for anyone/everyone to see.  Oh, and the worst thing?  I'm not making any money off of it.  My husband reiterates that he's always said that porn was a great way to make money on the web and since I'm already out there, well, he's just saying.  Nice.  I guess it's no big deal since you can't see my face but it is really weird.  I'm sure there was some fine print I overlooked.  Shouldn't I be getting some kind of royalty?  I mean, it has been 9 years.  If I do say so myself, the work he did was fabulous, but he has been getting some long term traction off that photo.  That modeling gig should pay for liposuction, or something.  Can you wait for that conversion next Thursday afternoon when I go in?  I can't.  Stay tuned...