Contributing to Porn on the Net

Most of what I write about is superfluous crap going on in my life or my weird observations about the world around me.  I'm sure you've noticed that I don't detail fights with my husband, information about my co-workers, or spill the precious secrets of my friends.  I do this to respect everyone I know, keep my job, and keep a few private moments for myself.  I've decided to throw that out the window because of something that happened today.  So, I'm putting myself out there.  Be gentle.

A little background.  I used to be really small.  I mean, I'm still as short as I've always been, but my legs and my thighs were in check. This is gross but I used to lie about my weight when I renewed my driver's license because I didn't want the women at the DMV to hate me.  I actually gave myself 10 pounds of weight on my license.  Just to put this in perspective, I'm now 10 pounds over the lie weight,  For those of you not so good at math, I am 20 pounds over my true weight in those days.  However, with my small frame came teeny, tiny breasts.  Even after two children, there was nothing there but a couple of fried eggs with nipples. 

I started my first gaming sales job in 2000.  It is actually the same job I'm doing today but for a different company.  With this job came some pretty good commission checks.  I decided that with my first commission check, I would look into breast augmentation.  That is sort of a lie.  I had "looked into" breast augmentation for years but now could finally fund it.  I went to a great surgeon in Arizona where I lived, and 9 years ago this week, did the deed.  It was, right up there with Lasik, the best thing I've ever done for myself.  Say what you want, but it was really nice to finally be able to wear a dress without taking it in at the top, blah blah blah.  I didn't get them huge.  I wasn't using them for profession purposes, only personal.  The one thing I said to the doctor was that I didn't want them to enter the room before I did.  I went from a -AA to a B+.  If you didn't know me before, you could never tell.

Fast forward to March, 2009.  I am doing the sales gig again and have Arizona as a territory.  I lived there for 8 years and LOVED it, so I'm completely psyched to be back on a regular basis.  I had great doctors when I lived there and the quality of health care in Nevada is like the health care in Missouri (sorry to all those health care professionals in MO I'm offending.  I don't mean you, I promise.  I'm talking more big picture).  So, I've decided to move back my doctors from NV to AZ.  Not the GP, but the gyn, dentist, and yes, the plastic surgeon.  Have I mentioned how much I love him?  His office does awesome facials and little injectables and you can discuss all the other things you want to do but don't have the money or the nerve.  This morning, I'm perusing the website looking for things I could chat about if I decided to do so, and waiting to make an appointment for next week while I'm in town.  I'm looking at my work schedule and looking for time to visit the office.  Things like Botox have been off the table while I was consulting unemployed, so in the first 20 seconds of working, I'm looking toward my previous lifestyle.  I'm ready to visit the good doctor.  This is a very slippery slope. 

I'm looking at the website, wondering if the girls are still in the right place, and looking at the good doctor's work.  My husband comes up behind me, asks me what I'm doing, and says, "Hey, that's you."  He's looking at the before and after photos.  "No way," I say.  "I would recognize those anywhere," he says, "Zoom in closer."  OMG.  The moles and freckles on my chest give it away.  I'M THE BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTO ON THE PLASTIC SURGEON'S WEBSITE.  My breasts are out there on the web for anyone/everyone to see.  Oh, and the worst thing?  I'm not making any money off of it.  My husband reiterates that he's always said that porn was a great way to make money on the web and since I'm already out there, well, he's just saying.  Nice.  I guess it's no big deal since you can't see my face but it is really weird.  I'm sure there was some fine print I overlooked.  Shouldn't I be getting some kind of royalty?  I mean, it has been 9 years.  If I do say so myself, the work he did was fabulous, but he has been getting some long term traction off that photo.  That modeling gig should pay for liposuction, or something.  Can you wait for that conversion next Thursday afternoon when I go in?  I can't.  Stay tuned...