Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

I'm leaving for Arizona (again) for work for the week.  So posting will be light unless something really funny happens.  The only thing that would make this trip better would be my own place.  I need an apartment in Scottsdale.  Right down the street from Fashion Square, the mothership of all malls.  Ok, maybe not.

Why I Never Had Pets, Chapter 3

This is a Facebook thread between me and Krys over the weekend:

Me:  How goes the snow?

Krys: Welp, we only got 4-5 inches--not as bad as it was predicted but all the media hype sent the city into a frenzy! Ben and Sofia built a snowman at midnight and Lucy dog barks continuously at it as she thinks someone is in the yard! How annoying!

Now, that's funny.

Contributing to Porn on the Net

Most of what I write about is superfluous crap going on in my life or my weird observations about the world around me.  I'm sure you've noticed that I don't detail fights with my husband, information about my co-workers, or spill the precious secrets of my friends.  I do this to respect everyone I know, keep my job, and keep a few private moments for myself.  I've decided to throw that out the window because of something that happened today.  So, I'm putting myself out there.  Be gentle.

A little background.  I used to be really small.  I mean, I'm still as short as I've always been, but my legs and my thighs were in check. This is gross but I used to lie about my weight when I renewed my driver's license because I didn't want the women at the DMV to hate me.  I actually gave myself 10 pounds of weight on my license.  Just to put this in perspective, I'm now 10 pounds over the lie weight,  For those of you not so good at math, I am 20 pounds over my true weight in those days.  However, with my small frame came teeny, tiny breasts.  Even after two children, there was nothing there but a couple of fried eggs with nipples. 

I started my first gaming sales job in 2000.  It is actually the same job I'm doing today but for a different company.  With this job came some pretty good commission checks.  I decided that with my first commission check, I would look into breast augmentation.  That is sort of a lie.  I had "looked into" breast augmentation for years but now could finally fund it.  I went to a great surgeon in Arizona where I lived, and 9 years ago this week, did the deed.  It was, right up there with Lasik, the best thing I've ever done for myself.  Say what you want, but it was really nice to finally be able to wear a dress without taking it in at the top, blah blah blah.  I didn't get them huge.  I wasn't using them for profession purposes, only personal.  The one thing I said to the doctor was that I didn't want them to enter the room before I did.  I went from a -AA to a B+.  If you didn't know me before, you could never tell.

Fast forward to March, 2009.  I am doing the sales gig again and have Arizona as a territory.  I lived there for 8 years and LOVED it, so I'm completely psyched to be back on a regular basis.  I had great doctors when I lived there and the quality of health care in Nevada is like the health care in Missouri (sorry to all those health care professionals in MO I'm offending.  I don't mean you, I promise.  I'm talking more big picture).  So, I've decided to move back my doctors from NV to AZ.  Not the GP, but the gyn, dentist, and yes, the plastic surgeon.  Have I mentioned how much I love him?  His office does awesome facials and little injectables and you can discuss all the other things you want to do but don't have the money or the nerve.  This morning, I'm perusing the website looking for things I could chat about if I decided to do so, and waiting to make an appointment for next week while I'm in town.  I'm looking at my work schedule and looking for time to visit the office.  Things like Botox have been off the table while I was consulting unemployed, so in the first 20 seconds of working, I'm looking toward my previous lifestyle.  I'm ready to visit the good doctor.  This is a very slippery slope. 

I'm looking at the website, wondering if the girls are still in the right place, and looking at the good doctor's work.  My husband comes up behind me, asks me what I'm doing, and says, "Hey, that's you."  He's looking at the before and after photos.  "No way," I say.  "I would recognize those anywhere," he says, "Zoom in closer."  OMG.  The moles and freckles on my chest give it away.  I'M THE BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTO ON THE PLASTIC SURGEON'S WEBSITE.  My breasts are out there on the web for anyone/everyone to see.  Oh, and the worst thing?  I'm not making any money off of it.  My husband reiterates that he's always said that porn was a great way to make money on the web and since I'm already out there, well, he's just saying.  Nice.  I guess it's no big deal since you can't see my face but it is really weird.  I'm sure there was some fine print I overlooked.  Shouldn't I be getting some kind of royalty?  I mean, it has been 9 years.  If I do say so myself, the work he did was fabulous, but he has been getting some long term traction off that photo.  That modeling gig should pay for liposuction, or something.  Can you wait for that conversion next Thursday afternoon when I go in?  I can't.  Stay tuned...

Glad Krys is back from vacation

Krys is one of the only people that leaves comments on my blog.  Now I know you are reading it because when I call you to update you on my life, you already know everything.  So, I'm just glad Krys is back so I know someone is reading.  Sometimes, when I open the page, I just hear crickets.

You know you're back to work when...

You have to Fed Ex birthday cards.  Now, it wasn't that I didn't buy the card.  In fact, I took it to Arizona with me last week and it rode in my bag.  It started in Las Vegas, flew to Phoenix, drove to Tucson, Yuma, and Payson, and then flew back to Las Vegas where it rode around for another 3 days until it finally ended up at the USPS yesterday where it was sent Express Mail.  Can someone please tell me why I couldn't put the thing in the mail?

Anyway, Happy Birthday Vicki.

Oh, and Cassidy, yours just went snail mail since I already missed it.  Sorry about that.

If someone is looking for a gift for me for Christmas, I would like a calendar with everyone's birthdays already filled out and a reminder a week prior to get the card and get it in the mail.  In fact, someone should start a service where I could just buy a bunch of cards, sign them, and someone else could mail them for me ON TIME.  That would be awesome!  Then if you didn't get your card on time, I would have someone else to blame other than myself.

Let's get this out of the way now for the rest of the year until I get my calendar and/or birthday card service.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE.  I HOPE YOUR SPECIAL DAY IS FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND YOU GET TO SHARE IT WITH THOSE YOU LOVE. 

Done.

Super Sunny at Albertsons

I couldn't decide whether to name this, "Tales from the Grocery" or the above title.  You decide.  Since I have spent the majority of my adult life at the grocery store, I have many observations and tales from the store.  This is what I observed yesterday.

The first time I saw it, I thought, "Ugh.  Who does she think she is?"  In the next isle with a different woman, I thought, "Maybe she's been crying."  The next FIVE women I noticed, making the total seven, I thought, "You have got to be effing kidding me."  Apparently, the women of Summerlin have decided that it is ok to wear your sunglasses inside the grocery store while shopping.  Really?  It's not ok.  First of all, how to you shop in the dark?  If you are using the glasses to hide little imperfections like bruises from Botox, or trying to hide your dilated eyes from drug use, I'm all for it.  But just because you think it's cool?  Please.  Just so you know, everyone thinks you have a black eye, or are drunk and stoned.  Oh, and the best part?  It was raining outside rendering the sunglasses  unnecessary outdoors as well. 

I am all for props at the store, but only ones that enhance your shopping experience.  I recently started using my iPod at the store.  Let me tell you why.  Have you ever noticed how depressing the music is at the grocery?  There have been several occasions where I have actually had tears in my eyes from the constant stream of depressing music.  My theory is that you will get so depressed that you will want to eat.  You will remember you suddenly need that gallon of Haagen Dasz, those chips, and that cheese dip.  Right?  I'm totally on to them.  So, I've been taking my music to the store and happily passing by the ice cream and chips.  My cart actually steers itself right to the broccoli. 

Is the sunglass thing a trend or just the stupid town/neighborhood where I I live? 

Same guy - new story

My memory fails me here if this was the same night as the previous story, but it was definitely the same guy. 

After another night out with customers and drinking, of course, Steve decides to go back to his hotel room.  Much to my chagrin, we find out that the man likes to sleep in the nude.  In the middle of the night, he decides he needs to use the loo.  He stumbles out of bed, opens the door, and steps into the bathroom.  He hears the door close behind him and realizes that he is actually in the hall of the hotel and had mistaken the bathroom door for the front door.  So, here he is in the hotel hallway, buck naked, and obviously without his hotel room key.  He sees a couch in the hallway and takes two cushions off the couch.  One for the front.  One for the rear.  With no house phone in sight, he heads downstairs to the lobby for another key.  I wonder if he was able to provide them with ID?

Tell me a story

I had a friend who was at the airport this week and called and said she was bored.  "Tell me a story," she says.  So, I thought for a second and decided to go with a good work story.  For a little background, I previously worked for an Australian company.  Their motto?  "Work hard, play hard."  I'm not sure how hard they worked but they definitely played hard.  Drinking was the culture at the company.

About 5 years ago, we were at a gaming trade show in Phoenix.  After the night's activities (which no doubt included drinking of some sort), we went to the hotel bar at the Sheraton.  A good time was had by all, some had a better time than probably necessary.  So, one of the Australian executives of the company stumbles out of his chair, said he's had enough, and is going to turn in.  Good idea, we all thought.  He goes to the elevator and heads upstairs.  About 30 minutes later, we noticed that this executive was talking to hotel management while trying to manage to keep upright.  He always had a really loud voice, and we could hear him yelling at the poor guy trying to help him.  "My ***ing key to my room won't work.  I walked all the way up there and the Go**amn key won't work."  The manager is apologizing profusely.  All of us watching the spectacle are laughing so hard we have tears running down our faces.  We finally decide to put him out of his misery.  One of my coworkers goes over to him, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Steve, we are staying at the Marriott."

Give & Get

Save money with Gap Inc's nationwide Give & Get coupon which will support The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS). 

This Thursday March 12 -Sunday March 15 - Gap Inc's 30% discount coupons will also provide a 5% donation (of LLS coupon-holders' net purchases) to LLS.

Go to http://www.gapgiveandget.com/np/lls.html to print out the coupon.

Gap Inc stores include: Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy. The coupons are for in-store purchases only and they are good in both the USA and Canada.

Simply go to the Give & Get coupon page, print a coupon and go shopping. Share the link as widely as you wish. You can print as many as you need, to shop at different Gap Inc stores.

Happy Shopping and donating to a great cause!!

Tip of the Day

I got in a really bad habit of going to the store everyday while I was consulting unemployed.  So, this weekend I decided to get ingredients for 4 dinners.  I have all the ingredients and have prepared two of those dinners.  I have all these ingredients for the third dinner such as ancho chile powder, red jalapenos, and pork tenderloin.  I can't find the recipe.  I've looked through magazines, websites, etc. but can't come up with anything that looks familiar.  Oh, I can wing it but how obnoxious is it when you finally try to get organized only to sabotage yourself? 

Tip of the Day:  On your weekly meal planner, write down the reference for the damn recipe.

Note:  The April issue of Bon Appetit has a recipe for Five Spice Chicken which would've been lovely except it called for 2 Tablespoons of salt.  When I read this, I gave pause.  Sure seemed like a lot of salt.  I read the recipe a couple of times, and it was Tablespoons, not teaspoons.  So, I followed the recipe.  Needless to say, I threw away 3 1/2 pounds of chicken.  So, if you happen to make this recipe, I would go with the teaspoons.

Nicknames

Why is it that everyone must have a nickname?  Sometimes it's just a play on your given name, and sometimes it is an event that could haunt you forever.  Nicknames started historically where it was common for several people in the family to have the same name.  I have a friend whose name, and several sister's names, was Mary Margaret.  Mary could have the nicknames Molly, Polly, or Mae.  Margaret might be called Peggy, Greta, Meg, Maggie, or Daisy.  Her name was Peggy, and her sister's name was Molly.  What?  I think I will have a child named Lisa and call her Stacy.  That makes no sense to me.  Maybe it's a Catholic thing.

I remember in Jr. High School, one of the teachers was doing role on the first day of school.  He would run down the list of names and almost every kid would change their "given" name to a nickname.  He finally said, "Why don't you people use the names your parents gave to you?"  Interesting question.  I would be really surprised if Nick ever uses the name Nicholas.  So, why did I feel compelled to name him the more formal name knowing that he would probably never use it?

Sometimes parents use nicknames to make their kid's names sound cuter and more age appropriate because they have named them a more grown up name.  Say, for instance, when your name is Melissa and somebody in your family thinks it's cute to call you Missi.  Unless you live in Texas and are a member of the garden club, no grown woman wants to be saddled with that.  Oh, and a note to all those well-intentioned family members, it takes years to shed that name.  I still have friends that will always call me Missi because THAT WAS MY NAME WHEN THEY KNEW ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.  That was the name I always had.  Of course that is what I told people to call me growing up. Now, not so much. I always have a huge identity crisis whenever I dial the 417 area code where I grew up.  Um, hi it's Melissa Married Name, uh, Missi Maiden Name.  Yikes.  There are also some people that refuse to conform.  Sometimes I will call my mother and say it's Melissa.  Who, she says?  Um, it's Missi.  You know, you were the one who put the name on the birth certificate.  I'm just saying when you give your cute little children nicknames, make sure you aren't saddling them with an identity crisis.  Chances are you are going to screw them up somehow anyway and this one could be avoided.

Some fun ways are to give them nicknames never to be used outside of the home.  Some of my favorite Nick ones are Nicholas Nickleby, Nicklebear,  Nickleberry, Sugarfoot and some that I'm saving to bribe him with in later teenage years.  Taylor's are Taylor Tot, Totman, Wumpkin, Little Stahly, Totski, Taylor Bug, Taylor Mae, and Pumpkin Bear.  There is no rhyme or reason to them and I doubt we will still be using them in 20 years.  Fun for me.  Not traumatic for them.

Some cultures ALWAYS give you a nickname.  For instance, the Australians always use nicknames as a term of endearment.  Mine is Mel.  I can't tell you how much I am not a Mel.  Hey, Mel.  I know that it is meant to be nice, and a 3 syllable name is a handful, so I don't complain.  Besides, they shorten everything.

Then there are the nicknames you are saddled with.  I won't mention some of them here, CHICKEN, but they all have a piece of history behind them.  In my last job, I was the recipient of the nickname "Chops."  I had a customer who was a rather large man of at least 425 pounds and we were at a corporate event with all the other customers in Las Vegas.  One of my co-workers saw that my customer was staring at me from across the room.  My co-worker said, "That man over there is staring at you like you're a naked pork chop."  So, that's how I got the name Chops. 

Parents beware.  Give your kids nicknames they can use privately in their own homes.  Let their friends come up with the rest.

Working

OMG can you believe how much time working takes up in your day?  I can't do anything I used to do.  My training is suffering, my cooking is suffering, my laundry is hanging from the rafters, and I'm not sure where my children are and if they need to be picked up.  PLUS, my blog is really suffering, as you know.  Now don't think I'm some Princess who just had to go to work for the first time in her life.  I have been working officially since I was 16.  On my 16th birthday, my Mom said, "So, when are you going to get a job?"  Luckily, my brother-in-law bailed me out with a hook up to Wendy's.  I flipped fries with the best of them.  I worked my ass off on that job sometimes not getting home until 1:00 am on a school night.  One night the manager made us stay late cleaning the grills on a school night and I fell asleep driving home.  I had just pulled into my little street and woke up when I hit the curb.  No one was hurt.  Nothing was wrecked.  But, by God, those grills were clean.  Seriously, is there any worse human than the 30-something fast food manager?  In the 80's, there was no World of Warcraft or Halo outlet.  Just poor, young teenagers trying to make a buck or two, and he took it out on us.  My usual train of thought is that video games are evil, but I'm thinking my life may have been enhanced with Call of Duty available to the Wendy's manager in 1985.

I used to have this working thing so dialed in.  I was able to deal with high-level strategic decisions, make sure my kids were where they needed to be, cook dinner, bake cupcakes for the holiday party at school, take the car in for service, get waxed, nails done, hair cut and colored, little injectables, and still keep the weight off.  I'm not doing any of that now.  My job does not contain any of the stress I used to have.  I have one nail hanging on for dear life with round 4 of super glue.  The kids are pissed because they have to wait at their pick up location. My hair looks like crap because it hasn't been out of a ponytail in two years, and I'm still fat.  I'M DOING IT WRONG!!  I'm hoping it will all come back to me soon because I haven't really been back in the groove.  I forget to call people back (Marsha).  I promise, tomorrow.  Hope you're done with your laundry you needed to move along, and yes, Nick found his pants.

Please just hang in there with me.  We can do it!  I will get it together and not feel so overwhelmed and be able to multi-task as all of you do each and every day.  I'm just out of practice.  Think of me in spring training.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Since I'm already screwed, I'm going on a weird fad diet. Will report as I go.  It includes no wine.  The old me would be constructing a noose with various fabrics left around the house to intertwine in a fine tapestry worthy of nooseness.  The new me is too lazy overwhelmed to even think about the energy necessary to pull something like that off.  If you have any awesome time-management skills or just a little advice for someone who has been out of the game for awhile, that would be great.  I'm thinking I need a little help with this one!!