Underachieving

I was reading through some of my old blogs because I was looking for my past 5K times.  Not that I'm running, because I don't think you could call it that.  More like organized limp-walking.  I'm a little out of shape.  In doing my research, I ran across my resolutions for the year in past post New Year, New Decade, New ME!.  Why I wrote them down in the first place is beyond me because I never do them.  Let's see where we are at 4.5 months into the year:

• One of my New Year's resolutions is to try to write more for the blog.  I really miss it and it brings me great joy (especially when someone leaves a comment - hint hint), so I'm going to try to carve more time out for this.

Let's see how we are doing on this.  There have been 13 entries for the entire year, and the last one was February 13th.  FAIL

• South Beach Diet starts January 4th.  Since I've complained that my weight was out of control, I've managed to gain 10 more pounds.  I've never done South Beach before so this should be fun.  I need to lose 20 by June.  Pam is doing it as well, but she always has really good luck with these things.  It's more of a struggle for me, but I'm going to try.  If it doesn't work, I'm thinking of having my jaw wired.  Plus, all the stars are aligned.  First of the year, first of the month, and a Monday.  It's pretty much fool proof except for that whole no wine for two weeks part of the program.  Everyone here is bracing for the impact.

As we all know, I did it for awhile but then went back to loving my fat.  I'm doing someone else now.  I've lost 10 pounds, and have 15-20 more to go.  It's really slow going.  FAIL

• Signed up for a triathlon on April 17th, so training pretty much starts Monday.

Training never started, and it is April 25th, with no triathlon.  FAIL

• Might do a 1/2 Marathon on April 24th with the family in Nashville.  It's the weekend after aforementioned triathlon, so I'm concerned I won't be able to walk.  This race is a definite maybe.

I didn't go.  Didn't train.  Congrats to Dennis and Tammy.  FAIL

• Triathlon on May 15th in Las Vegas.

Not doing this considering I haven't trained and don't want to swim in the black sludge.  FAIL

That only leaves two on the list.

• Pumpkinman triathlon in October.
• 1/2 Marathon in Las Vegas in December.

What are the chances of that happening?  It's never good to be too ambitious because you only end up disappointed.  I'm going to make a new list that is a little more achievable.

• Ride my bike at least 10 times this year.
• Get the mail on a more regular basis.  I hate the mail.
• Be nicer to the cat.

That should just about do it.  Are you keeping up with your resolutions?

IRS

Yesterday, a man disgruntled with the IRS crashed his plane into their offices in Austin, Texas.  I simplified the story a bit, but suffice it to say that he was pretty pissed off.  While his 3000 word manifesto was extremely creepy and his murderous intent off the charts crazy, I can sympathize with him a little bit.  I'm in NO WAY condoning his actions.  He could have left it at the manifesto and called it a day.  The suicide mission was uncalled for.  I'm writing this as I'm on hold, yet again, with the IRS.  I just held for 45 minutes, and right when I was transferred, they hung up on me.  I'm in for 9:45 right now as we speak. 

This first started with Form 940 for my business with the tax period ending 12-31-08.  I received a letter that I owe them money.  The tax system is so confusing that who knows if I really owe it or not, but I just pay it.  They scare you to death with their letters.  You wonder if your phone is being tapped or there is an IRS agent waiting for you at the end of the driveway to take you to jail.  I wasn't too worried about the infraction considering it was only $25.03.  So, I write the check and sent it on its merry way.  File the notice and forget about it.  A couple of months later, I receive a check in the amount of $25.03 for overpayment.  Ok, let's get it together people.  I don't know if I even cashed the check.  I received another letter last month saying I owed, yes you guessed it, $25.03, except they added on $.10 in penalties and $.50 in interest.  Whatever. I paid it again.  I thought that's what this call was about but they've moved on.  I expect my refund check in the mail any day now.

After an additional 38:45 of waiting, this call was saying that they didn't receive a quarterly return in 2008 for my business.  To say this lady was less than friendly was being generous.  Don't make me call you what I'm thinking, lady.  After the events of yesterday, you think they may have been a little nicer on the phone.  After all, the United States tax code is so confusing that we have to have a special industry to work through it.  Long story short, they received the payment for the quarterly taxes, but not the paperwork itself.  No form.  I looked and I did not send it electronically, so they all would have been in the same envelope.  I'm sure I didn't just put a check in an envelope and leave the return on the table.  She demanded to know why this happened?  Hmmm, I don't know, I guess I felt like I would really pull something over on you people by paying the money and not filing the paperwork.  That will teach them a thing or two.  Could it be, possibly, that something happened on your end?  After the events above with the $25, I'm not feeling real good about their paperwork trail.  By the time I've written this, my accountant has sent over a copy of the form, I have signed it and sent it to the special P.O. Box that Miss Sunshine gave me, and have it in the mail.  I should have taken a picture of me, with the daily newspaper, mailing it.  I guess I could send it certified, but that would require way too much work.   My little IRS adventure is over for the day, but I look forward to another day soon that will bring additional fun for me in the mail.  Stay tuned.  Oh, I'm sure there is more.

Too Fat to Fly to Portland

I was on a flight from Las Vegas to Portland last week and witnessed a very sad, humiliating incident on Southwest Airlines. 

The plane was full and they had been calling for people to give up their seats for vouchers.  Even as we were all seated on the plane, they continued to ask for 1 person to give up their seat.  They asked continuously for about 10 minutes for someone to give up their seat.  Then, the gate agent and flight attendants came trolling down the isle.  In the front row, they found their victim.  As I'm in the third row, I can see and hear all this going down.  The gate agent leans down to this lady in the front row who is sitting in the middle seat, and talks to her for a couple of minutes.  I hear the man next to her say that he was fine, and she is not bothering him.  In tears, the lady in the front row gets up and says, "Apparently I'm too fat to fly.  They are asking me to leave."  So, her and her husband get all their stuff, wait for the wheel chair to take her back as it brought her there, and leave the plane.  A slim, pretty girl gets on the plane.  The one they apparently needed to accommodate.  I was sick to my stomach.  Now, I'm not good with guessing weights, but she wasn't crazy obese.  She was probably around 200 pounds.  She was able to sit in a seat, with the armrests down, and was not bothering the man on one side or her husband on the other.  The man even commented that she was fine.  If the people around you are ok, then who are you bothering?  The flight attendant?  She doesn't like overweight people and didn't want to look at her the entire flight?

Could it be that this had more to do with their oversold situation and less to do with her weight being a safety issue of the plane?  The gate agent and the flight attendants all witnessed this woman pre-board in her wheelchair, sit on the FRONT ROW OF THE AIRPLANE, and get settled in.  She had been on the aircraft for at least 20 minutes before they asked her to leave.  Why didn't they catch this "safety issue" as it was coming down the jetway, being seated, or sitting there quietly while the rest of the plane boarded?  How many times does this happen?  Southwest has a Customer of Size Policy that apparently is very subjective.

Southwest had another incident last week with Kevin Smith.   Apparently, they messed with the wrong guy.  See, Kevin is a director and has a huge Twitter following and started to sent out tweets immediately after being asked to leave the plane.  Southwest sent out an apology to Kevin, but still defended the practice.  Hey, I'm not saying you don't need a policy.  I'm saying maybe it shouldn't be quite so subjective.  You don't get kicked off unless it's an oversold situation?  I guarantee that if the flight would not been full, she would have flown.  IN HER MIDDLE SEAT. 

Maybe Southwest should work on refining their policies and not just using them when it's convenient.  I wish I knew that lady.  I would offer my testimony.

The Olympics

Have you seen the mayor of Vancouver, Gregor Robertson?  He's so cute!  I'm hoping they have a little box in the corner of the TV on all the events with his photo.  I think it will make the Olympics a little more interesting.  I'm just saying...

Super Bowl - Zurcher Style

I haven't mentioned this before, but I got Robert a Big Green Egg for Christmas this year. 

It is a ceramic grill/smoker that we have been trying out for the past few months.  We have made delicious steaks, burgers, chicken, turkey breasts, etc. based on recipes off the Internet.  You see, the Big Green Egg (BGE) has a bit of a cult following.  Google a couple of recipes and see what turns up.  We will call these people, um, passionate.  I didn't say crazy, just passionate.  So, I'm talking to my friend Dan the other day, Hi Dan!, and we somehow get on the subject of the BGE.  I think it started with the Super Bowl menu and how yummy it sounded.  He and his wife cook all the time on the BGE.  So, he says he's doing pulled pork for Sunday.  I want to do pulled pork.  So, I do a bit of research on the Internet and Dan provides a crash course as well.  I find a 10.5 pound pork butt at the store and take him home.  I want to make sure I have enough butt.  I've been told I have more than enough butt, and trying to find a pair of jeans to put this butt in is just further proof.  I like big butts and I cannot lie...

All the research says it takes 1 to 1.5 hours per pound on the BGE to do a butt properly.  So, we are looking at about 12-16 hours at a temp around 225 degrees.  Taylor's closing night was last night, so we decided to put the thing on the grill before we went.  If it got done a little early, you can remove from the grill, wrap in foil and towels, and place in a cooler for another 3-4 hours.  I guess math was hard for us last night because we could have waited until we got home from the performance, but we didn't and put it in at 5:00 pm.  I got up at 5:30 am and things were humming along so I went back to bed.  Ish.  When I got up again at 7:00, all hell had broken loose.  The temp was 175 and the internal butt temp was 192.  Needs to be 200.  So, after constant consultation from Dan, I ignored his advice of finishing in the oven and restarted the grill.  Since I wasn't in a hurry, I thought it might be ok for it to go a bit longer.  So glad I did.  The meat went down to 181, but once the grill got going, it started to rise.  So, after 18 hours at 11:30, I took the meat off the grill.  I wrapped it twice in heavy duty foil, wrapped it in swaddling clothes (towels), and layed it in a manger (cooler).  I am exhausted.  I feel like I have been through childbirth.  Going to let it hang there a couple of hours before I shred. 

Dan also gave me a recipe for Atomic Terds, which are stuffed jalepenos with cream cheese, smoked gouda, and wrapped in bacon.  He also adds some taco meat or other kind of meat with the spices from the pork rub. I think they need a new name.  I'm just saying. 

Jalapeno photos courtesy of DZ

A good time was had by all.  Back to eating healthy today.

The Sun will Come Out, Tomorrow

Taylor has been performing in Annie the past four days, and has another 4 days to go this weekend.  Seriously, you would think it was actually on Broadway.  She doesn't have big parts this time, but her comedic timing always manages a couple of laughs from the audience.  Let me talk about their schedule.  Last week, she had to be at the theatre from 4:00 pm to 10:00 pm for tech rehearsals, and then from 5:00 to 9:45 the nights of the show.  Yes, we still have school.  Oh, and since Taylor is on the dance team at school, she still has to attend those practices.  One was at 6:30 am after being at the theatre until 10:00 the night before.  Needless to say, she was a little cranky.  We scattered like rats when she came home at night.  She is also in the school production of High School Musical, but needless to say, that has been the thing that suffered the most.  Maybe next week...

I don't know how many of you have kids in these productions, but it is a whole other world.  Not one I really saw myself being involved in.  There are certain mothers who live for this.  They love to see the show every night.  For those of you keeping track, that would be eight shows.  Eight.  The show is good, but the only thing worth repeating eight times in a row would be, Twister  or Independence Day.  Eight.  I'm seeing it twice.  Twice.  Thinking I deserve a brownie point for that.  On the nights I'm not watching, I'm volunteering backstage.  OMG.  Some of those women get a little taste of power and they are SCARY.  I feel sorry for some of the kids as they are railroaded by these women.  I don't really follow the rules all that well which prompted a blanket email from the director.  I knew it was targeting me.  I think they should be grateful that I'm willing to help, and if I choose to ignore the scary women, so be it.  I'm backstage sewing for goodness sake.  This from the woman that either has to throw away the shirt that looses a button, or pay the dry cleaners to put it back on.  I got in trouble because I was sewing a belt back on a white dress and had poked myself and bled on the white dress.  Do you think anyone can see a couple of blood stains from a finger prick from 20 feet away.  Calm down, already.  Maybe I should just sit in the audience.  One night I had to, by contractual obligation with the theatre, sit and guard the doors during the show.  Really?  This is children's theatre.  Is someone going to sneak in?  I mean, we aren't hiding Beyonce in there.  It would make more sense to guard the doors on the inside to make sure no one sneaks out early.   

They had all the "adult" roles wear fake eyelashes.  It reminded me of a little show Taylor likes.  Has anyone seen Toddlers and Tiaras?  It is a show on TLC about little kids in beauty pageants.  Talk about scary Stage Moms.  These little kids have fake eyelashes, spray tans, fake teeth, etc.  If you haven't seen it, add it to the ole DVR.  It will be worth your time.  So, Taylor is playing all boys parts in Annie.  Are the fake eyelashes and make up important?   Um, yes they are.  This is her bum costume.  Pretty cute Bum. Will get photos of her favorite costume, which is the nerd costume, of course.  Her favorite role.

I find being a Mom challenging enough without being a Stage Mom on top of that.  I'm not concerned about her next audition, or needing voice lessons, or acting lessons or any of that.  Although I think she's funny, the chances of her making it in that profession are very slim.  I always tell her she needs a back up plan.  Maybe a doctor.  She can do stand up on the weekends. 

Compliment of Lori this morning...

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we
Could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
Advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
All the things you have started and have never finished.'
So..., I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
Hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
Off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
Cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
Freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of
Inner peace.

South Beach Day 14

Today is the last day of Phase I.  I lost 8 pounds in two weeks.  Not too shabby.  Didn't cheat on the sugar part, and only had carbs with my sushi one night.  Other than that, I did pretty well.  Are the sugar cravings over?  Hmmmm, not so much.  The headache is gone, but I could rip into a cupcake if it were in front of me.  Now, I didn't exercise much.  Really, only two days.  The last time was in Arizona.  I had a couple of hours before a dinner and decided I would jump on the treadmill.  I worked out for 1 hour, then headed back to my room.  Swipe, swipe, swipe, nothing.  Went back for 3 more keys, and none worked.  The card reader was broken.  Ok, so how do we fix it?  No one knew.  The maintence guy was at school, and didn't get out for 3 hours.  Now, I had my phone, my earphones, and my sweaty ass and that was it.  Everything else I owned was locked in the room.  Purse, room keys, money.  Anything that would have enabled me to eat.  When you're on a diet like this, food timing is imperative.  I knew how long I could work out, time to get ready, and get to food before I started to look for small animals to eat.  He shows up at 8:30 to get into my room.  His trick?  A wire under the door which he latched around the handle inside the room.  Doesn't that make you feel safe?  The best part?  THEY DIDN'T EVEN COMP MY ROOM!  The Holiday Inn Express Tucson is off my list. 

So, 12 more pounds to go.  I don't expect it to come off as quickly as before since you start reintroducing foods into your diet.  Need to exercise.  Hearing great things about P90X.  Anyone know anything about it????

South Beach - Beginning of Day 7

On my way to Arizona for the week so postings might be light, or non-existent.  I'm still at 5.5 pounds, but have not cheated.  This will be the true test - traveling.

Have a great week!

Day 5 - South Beach

Nothin.  Not a thing.  No weight loss.  Nothin.

After the day I had yesterday, you would think I would have been rewarded with at least a half pound.  I didn't cheat.  So, this is Day 5.  That's 5 days without sugar, alcohol, and I think I've eaten more vegetables this week than I have in my entire life. 

Last night, Robert came home late from work (big shock).  He's been going out to eat most of the week, and since I hadn't heard from him until 7:30, I assumed he was going out again.  He gets home about 9 and wonders what is for dinner.  Little did he know the big surprise in store.  I had made Southbeach Shepard's Pie.  Basically, it is low-fat ground beef, edamame, onions, and their "surprise" mashed potatoes (cauliflower) on the top.  Robert is a huge food snob, so I made sure I told him that this was sustenance food, not food  food.

He took one bite and said, "I think I would rather die early."  Nice.

Day 4 - South Beach

Had a little melt down today.  Had to call Pam for reinforcement, and after she assured me that she didn't do well in Day 4, I felt a little better.  The good news is that I have lost 5 pounds.  Only 15 to go!  The bad news is that I almost assaulted a waitress today at TGI Fridays who happened to walk by me with a piece of cake.  I know these sugar cravings are supposed to go away, but geez.  I had to take a customer out to lunch today and we went to Fridays because it was on property. 

Today, I became one of "those" people.  Me ordering:  Yes, I will have the Raspberry and Pear Grilled Chicken Salad, but could you hold the raspberries, and the pear, and put the dressing on the side?  In fact, don't even bring the dressing, thanks.  Ugh.  Don't you hate those people?  She just looks at me and says, "So, you basically want the chicken and the lettuce."  Yup.  That's my life now.  The skinny bastard I was eating with had chips.  The good, homemade chips.  RIGHT NEXT TO ME!  I wanted to ask him if I could have one just to lick, but it seemed somewhat inappropriate at the time.  Looking back on it, I wish I had asked to lick the chip.  Right now, I would give anything to lick a chip.

Just a word of advice, when you are on a strict diet that is taking away everything you hold dear (wine and sugar), sales is not a great profession.  The rejection is huge.  Usually, I can blow it off.  Today I cried.  CAN SOMEONE JUST BUY MY STINKIN SLOT MACHINE?  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?  MAKE A STARVIN GIRL HAPPY?

Day 2 - South Beach

Just wanted to give you a quick update on Day 2 and into Day 3.  So far, I have lost 4 pounds.  Now, I realize most of that is water, but whatever.  I'll take it.  I have been dealing with a headache for the past 5 days, even before the diet, but the detox off the sugar and wine is making it worse.  I think I am kind of sick and I'm sure that is where this headache is coming from.  Plus, I have this lovely cold sore which is an indication that something isn't right.  So very, very, tired of those. 

On a lighter note, Pam has lost 6 pounds in one week.  Awesome! 

Haven't cheated even though the kids have had pasta, popcorn, oatmeal, etc.  It's hard not to taste while you're cooking, but I'm making it work.  Stupid kids.  Probably why I'm fat in the first place.  Looking forward to making it off the first two weeks and getting rid of the sugar cravings.  There should be a sugar methadone clinic where you could go for a quick hit of a relief.  Maybe the opportunity to eat one ear off of a chocolate Easter bunny.  Mmmmmmmmm, bunnies.

Need to train.  I feel a bit weak for training, but promised myself I would work that in sometime tonight.  Or a nap.  Can't decide.  Only 14 weeks away from the race and really need to start the program.  You know they have Yoga (Bikram) that is done is a really warm environment.  Why not swimming?  Wouldn't it be nice to work out in a pool that was about 88 degrees?  I hate getting in the water when it's so cold outside and then so cold in the water.  The warm pool is the answer.  So you sweat a little in the water.  Who cares?  It washes right off. 

Year-End Statements

The following is the dialogue as we were watching a movie on TV the other night:

Lady on TV: I don't know what we are going to do.  Just look at these year-end statements.

Taylor: Urine statement?  What's a urine statement?

Me: Year-End Statement

Man, that kid is funny.  She's going to make me a lot of money one day.

Day 1 - South Beach

I woke up feeling really crappy.  I was so cold and couldn't get warmed up, and I was a little sick to my stomach.  I went back to bed after I dropped off the kids for an hour and seem to be recovering.  I made these little quiche things that were in the SB book, and I thought they were disgusting.  I can make them better and will.  I would rather have no cheese then a fat-free cheese.  Yuck.  Also, not a big fan of things processed, and the cheese seems so fake.  Not like the deliciousness of, say, Velveeta.  That cheese is not processed at all.  Nope.  Not at all.  Mmmmmmmm, Velveeta.

Kraft introduced Velveeta process cheese loaf in 1928 describing it as: "A delicious Cheese Food consisting of Kraft Process American Cheese with added milk sugar, milk minerals and water."  Wow, I'll say it's delicious.  Kraft won't actually tell you how they make it or exactly what goes into it.  I, for one, don't want to know. 

There is a stigma about Velveeta.  I always feel a bit sheepish about reaching for the big loaf and plopping it into my cart.  Also, it is always in the weirdest places in the grocery store.  No one seems to know how to classify it since it is cheese, but doesn't need refrigeration.  When I get home with my loaf, I always hide it behind the cereal boxes.  Just in case some foodie examines my pantry and busts me with the goods.  I have a couple of recipes that ONLY works with Velveeta.  When people ask what kind of cheese is in the recipe, I reply that it is usually a blend of cheeses.  No lie.  That's what Kraft says.  I've tried other cheeses, and they don't compare, so I am a purchaser, but probably only buy 2 loafs per year. However, there are those that embrace their relationship with Velveeta. About 5% of the population buys about 75% of all Velveeta sold in the United States.  I personally know several of them.

Funny how I go from talking about diet food right on to Velveeta.  It explains so much.  I didn't cheat today, but wasn't able to work out do to aforementioned crappy feeling, but will let you know the results in the morning.

Happy Dieting!

This is usually about the time that I pour my first glass of wine.  Sigh.