Why I Never Had Pets - Chapter 2

This is the typical, I didn't want the pet, I didn't own the pet, yet I take care of the pet - COMPLETELY.  No one seems to notice if he pukes on the floor, is out of food or water, has snuck out of the house, or has fingernails longer than Howard Hughes.  The latter of which drives me crazy.  I hate to hear his little nails pulling the loops out of my carpet when he walks.  Now, never having owned a pet for more than a month, nail clipping is a little intimidating.  Mostly because there are so many rules.  Don't get close to the quick or they will bleed, blah, blah, blah.  So, I always made Robert do the clipping.  It is, after all, HIS CAT.  Since he's been working 80 hour weeks for the past 2 years, Enzo has been going for a mani/pedi whenever he starts to ruin my carpet.  Since I've been consulting unemployed, we are all cutting back.  The cat's nail appointment was the first to go.  Enter getting sucked into TV ads.

PediPaws.  I know you've all seen it and WANT IT BAD.  It's one of those things that makes perfect sense like the EpiLady.  Remember how in 1986 we all thought this was a great invention?  The electric spring metal coils swirling around to grab onto the hair and rip it out by the root.  One by one.  Oh, I can still remember the pain.  My hat is off to anyone who could muster up removing more than a quarter-size area.  For those of us who tried it first on the bikini line, well let's just say it still makes you cross your legs to think of it.  So, PediPaws was on Walgreen's billboard for $19.99 enticing me to come purchase it while I passed every intersection.  In Las Vegas, the city council won't rest until there is a drug store or Applebee's on every corner.  I gave in and bought it.  I figured it was going to save us money in the end, (insert shopping justification here).  The thing is disgusting.  First of all, it smells liked burned hair and there is nail dust flying all around like in the Asian nail salons.  I think he was expecting a sparkle tip or special design.  I followed the directions, but all I did was sharpen them to a fine point.  Now, he really does look like Howard Hughes.  It is like filing them with a rotary sandpaper tool, so it takes forever.  Think of how long it takes to clip your nails as opposed to file your nails.  The cat is pretty tolerant as evidenced by his Halloween costume, but he's not going to sit there for 30 minutes and smell burned hair while I FILE HIS NAILS.  I also know he would be a terrible tipper.  So, I got out the clippers and attempted to clip his nails.  I did so well that I plan to give him a french manicure later tonight.  I'm going to speak in another language while I do it so he won't know if I'm talking about him, but I'm going to smile a lot.