Traveling - How do I loathe thee...Let me count the ways

I just returned from a trip to Philadelphia for a lottery conference, and it has been awhile since I had traveled for work.  Traveling used to be fun like when I would go from Phoenix to Las Vegas on the weekends.  I would see the dancers coming in for the weekend and would hear great stories of what happened in their previous visits.  These girls were always beautiful and usually worked during the week as students, computer programmers, and even attorneys.  They would come to Vegas to dance for 2 nights and make more than they would all week at their day job.  We were friends.  I liked my dancer friends.  Then, I started traveling more and more for work.  There were no dancer friends around.  Just other angry travelers just trying to get to and fro.  Some people don't mind traveling.  Pam says as long as she has her iPod and a glass of Chardonnay, she is good to go.  For me to be comfortable, I need first class, a glass of Cabernet, my iPod, Ambien, a blanket of my own, a pillow of my own, and a really good trash book.  If I were really to take all this, I would look like I was going camping (my idea of camping) for the weekend.  Plus, we all know the ultimate badge of traveling honor is to not check a bag so all this gear would be impossible. 

I've listed some of my "favorite" things about traveling:

• The smell of the pretzel hot dog wafting through the concourse.
• The cheapest red wine on the planet at the airport bar.
• The fact that I know how to pack an entire beauty regimen in a quart size baggie.  Lori would be so proud.  One of her pet peeves in life is not having the right sized baggie.
• The atmosphere coming to Vegas when I'm just trying to get home.  PARTY!!!  Is it fun to get so drunk on the plane that you have to go to bed as soon as you get here?
• Not having Premier Executive status and being in the 18th row.  However, you could pay an additional $15 for a "better" seat.  In Row 16.  In the middle.  Uh, no?
• Hotel rooms where the air conditioning requires continual monitoring.  It's too loud or too cold or not cold enough, etc., so you're up 20 times a night making yourself more comfortable.
• The chatter on the airplane.  I ALWAYS have my headphones in even if they are not operational.  So, if you try to speak to me, I make a big deal about taking them out to say, "What?"  Now, the rudeness should be the first clue that I don't want to chat, yet most people go ahead and start right up.  Can you ever tell me a time when something good came from airplane chat?  My favorite line when men ask me what I do for a living is to say that I'm a private investigator and I'm following a man here to Vegas for his wife.  This usually shuts them up.  I also bet they call home when they land.
• I find the Manager's reception at the Hampton Inn one of the most depressing places on earth.  That's not to say that I'm not attending, but I'm just hoping someone will pass out Xanax because everyone one of us there needs it.  The amount of lonely travelers at those places will make you rethink your life.  Then, after the reception, we will amble over to Applebees to eat at the bar by ourselves.  This is the glamorous side of traveling, my friends.

So, when you hear how your friends are traveling for business and it sounds so chic and exciting, conjure up the smell of the pretzel dog and staying home with a bag of chips doesn't sound so bad afterall.