Life Passing -- Bye

Homecoming

2010-10-04T18:15:00.001-07:00

It's official.

The grown ups have officially sucked all the fun out of school.

Saturday, October 9: The dance is from 7-11 pm. Dinner, catered by Tuscany Grill, will be served at 7:30 pm. Students attending the dance must be in the dance no later than 8 pm and cannot leave until 10:30 pm. At 10:30 pm, dessert (make your own ice cream sundaes with all the toppings!) will be served. The dance ends at 11 pm.

Please remember that all students attending the dance must arrive in private vehicles (cars, SUVs). Carpooling is okay. No students may come via limo, party bus, RV, school bus, charter bus, etc. This includes being dropped off on the street and walking to the dance. Additionally, students entering the dance will be randomly breathalyze-tested.

The student council has worked hard to make some wonderful changes, which promise to lead to a safe and fun-filled evening including an awards ceremony and dance competition at the dance.
Should be a great night!

Underachieving

2010-04-25T09:25:00.001-07:00

I was reading through some of my old blogs because I was looking for my past 5K times. Not that I'm running, because I don't think you could call it that. More like organized limp-walking. I'm a little out of shape. In doing my research, I ran across my resolutions for the year in past post New Year, New Decade, New ME!. Why I wrote them down in the first place is beyond me because I never do them. Let's see where we are at 4.5 months into the year:

One of my New Year's resolutions is to try to write more for the blog. I really miss it and it brings me great joy (especially when someone leaves a comment - hint hint), so I'm going to try to carve more time out for this.

Let's see how we are doing on this. There have been 13 entries for the entire year, and the last one was February 13th. FAIL

South Beach Diet starts January 4th. Since I've complained that my weight was out of control, I've managed to gain 10 more pounds. I've never done South Beach before so this should be fun. I need to lose 20 by June. Pam is doing it as well, but she always has really good luck with these things. It's more of a struggle for me, but I'm going to try. If it doesn't work, I'm thinking of having my jaw wired. Plus, all the stars are aligned. First of the year, first of the month, and a Monday. It's pretty much fool proof except for that whole no wine for two weeks part of the program. Everyone here is bracing for the impact.

As we all know, I did it for awhile but then went back to loving my fat. I'm doing someone else now. I've lost 10 pounds, and have 15-20 more to go. It's really slow going. FAIL

Signed up for a triathlon on April 17th, so training pretty much starts Monday.

Training never started, and it is April 25th, with no triathlon. FAIL

Might do a 1/2 Marathon on April 24th with the family in Nashville. It's the weekend after aforementioned triathlon, so I'm concerned I won't be able to walk. This race is a definite maybe.

I didn't go. Didn't train. Congrats to Dennis and Tammy. FAIL

Triathlon on May 15th in Las Vegas.

Not doing this considering I haven't trained and don't want to swim in the black sludge. FAIL

That only leaves two on the list.

Pumpkinman triathlon in October.
1/2 Marathon in Las Vegas in December.

What are the chances of that happening? It's never good to be too ambitious because you only end up disappointed. I'm going to make a new list that is a little more achievable.

Ride my bike at least 10 times this year.
Get the mail on a more regular basis. I hate the mail.
Be nicer to the cat.

That should just about do it. Are you keeping up with your resolutions?

IRS

2010-02-19T10:33:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, a man disgruntled with the IRS crashed his plane into their offices in Austin, Texas. I simplified the story a bit, but suffice it to say that he was pretty pissed off. While his 3000 word manifesto was extremely creepy and his murderous intent off the charts crazy, I can sympathize with him a little bit. I'm in NO WAY condoning his actions. He could have left it at the manifesto and called it a day. The suicide mission was uncalled for. I'm writing this as I'm on hold, yet again, with the IRS. I just held for 45 minutes, and right when I was transferred, they hung up on me. I'm in for 9:45 right now as we speak.

This first started with Form 940 for my business with the tax period ending 12-31-08. I received a letter that I owe them money. The tax system is so confusing that who knows if I really owe it or not, but I just pay it. They scare you to death with their letters. You wonder if your phone is being tapped or there is an IRS agent waiting for you at the end of the driveway to take you to jail. I wasn't too worried about the infraction considering it was only $25.03. So, I write the check and sent it on its merry way. File the notice and forget about it. A couple of months later, I receive a check in the amount of $25.03 for overpayment. Ok, let's get it together people. I don't know if I even cashed the check. I received another letter last month saying I owed, yes you guessed it, $25.03, except they added on $.10 in penalties and $.50 in interest. Whatever. I paid it again. I thought that's what this call was about but they've moved on. I expect my refund check in the mail any day now.

After an additional 38:45 of waiting, this call was saying that they didn't receive a quarterly return in 2008 for my business. To say this lady was less than friendly was being generous. Don't make me call you what I'm thinking, lady. After the events of yesterday, you think they may have been a little nicer on the phone. After all, the United States tax code is so confusing that we have to have a special industry to work through it. Long story short, they received the payment for the quarterly taxes, but not the paperwork itself. No form. I looked and I did not send it electronically, so they all would have been in the same envelope. I'm sure I didn't just put a check in an envelope and leave the return on the table. She demanded to know why this happened? Hmmm, I don't know, I guess I felt like I would really pull something over on you people by paying the money and not filing the paperwork. That will teach them a thing or two. Could it be, possibly, that something happened on your end? After the events above with the $25, I'm not feeling real good about their paperwork trail. By the time I've written this, my accountant has sent over a copy of the form, I have signed it and sent it to the special P.O. Box that Miss Sunshine gave me, and have it in the mail. I should have taken a picture of me, with the daily newspaper, mailing it. I guess I could send it certified, but that would require way too much work. My little IRS adventure is over for the day, but I look forward to another day soon that will bring additional fun for me in the mail. Stay tuned. Oh, I'm sure there is more.

Too Fat to Fly to Portland

2010-02-17T10:04:00.001-08:00

I was on a flight from Las Vegas to Portland last week and witnessed a very sad, humiliating incident on Southwest Airlines.

The plane was full and they had been calling for people to give up their seats for vouchers. Even as we were all seated on the plane, they continued to ask for 1 person to give up their seat. They asked continuously for about 10 minutes for someone to give up their seat. Then, the gate agent and flight attendants came trolling down the isle. In the front row, they found their victim. As I'm in the third row, I can see and hear all this going down. The gate agent leans down to this lady in the front row who is sitting in the middle seat, and talks to her for a couple of minutes. I hear the man next to her say that he was fine, and she is not bothering him. In tears, the lady in the front row gets up and says, "Apparently I'm too fat to fly. They are asking me to leave." So, her and her husband get all their stuff, wait for the wheel chair to take her back as it brought her there, and leave the plane. A slim, pretty girl gets on the plane. The one they apparently needed to accommodate. I was sick to my stomach. Now, I'm not good with guessing weights, but she wasn't crazy obese. She was probably around 200 pounds. She was able to sit in a seat, with the armrests down, and was not bothering the man on one side or her husband on the other. The man even commented that she was fine. If the people around you are ok, then who are you bothering? The flight attendant? She doesn't like overweight people and didn't want to look at her the entire flight?

Could it be that this had more to do with their oversold situation and less to do with her weight being a safety issue of the plane? The gate agent and the flight attendants all witnessed this woman pre-board in her wheelchair, sit on the FRONT ROW OF THE AIRPLANE, and get settled in. She had been on the aircraft for at least 20 minutes before they asked her to leave. Why didn't they catch this "safety issue" as it was coming down the jetway, being seated, or sitting there quietly while the rest of the plane boarded? How many times does this happen? Southwest has a Customer of Size Policy that apparently is very subjective.

Southwest had another incident last week with Kevin Smith. Apparently, they messed with the wrong guy. See, Kevin is a director and has a huge Twitter following and started to sent out tweets immediately after being asked to leave the plane. Southwest sent out an apology to Kevin, but still defended the practice. Hey, I'm not saying you don't need a policy. I'm saying maybe it shouldn't be quite so subjective. You don't get kicked off unless it's an oversold situation? I guarantee that if the flight would not been full, she would have flown. IN HER MIDDLE SEAT.

Maybe Southwest should work on refining their policies and not just using them when it's convenient. I wish I knew that lady. I would offer my testimony.

The Olympics

2010-02-09T07:23:00.001-08:00

Have you seen the mayor of Vancouver, Gregor Robertson? He's so cute! I'm hoping they have a little box in the corner of the TV on all the events with his photo. I think it will make the Olympics a little more interesting. I'm just saying...

Super Bowl - Zurcher Style

2010-02-08T11:21:00.001-08:00

I haven't mentioned this before, but I got Robert a Big Green Egg for Christmas this year.

It is a ceramic grill/smoker that we have been trying out for the past few months. We have made delicious steaks, burgers, chicken, turkey breasts, etc. based on recipes off the Internet. You see, the Big Green Egg (BGE) has a bit of a cult following. Google a couple of recipes and see what turns up. We will call these people, um, passionate. I didn't say crazy, just passionate. So, I'm talking to my friend Dan the other day, Hi Dan!, and we somehow get on the subject of the BGE. I think it started with the Super Bowl menu and how yummy it sounded. He and his wife cook all the time on the BGE. So, he says he's doing pulled pork for Sunday. I want to do pulled pork. So, I do a bit of research on the Internet and Dan provides a crash course as well. I find a 10.5 pound pork butt at the store and take him home. I want to make sure I have enough butt. I've been told I have more than enough butt, and trying to find a pair of jeans to put this butt in is just further proof. I like big butts and I cannot lie...

All the research says it takes 1 to 1.5 hours per pound on the BGE to do a butt properly. So, we are looking at about 12-16 hours at a temp around 225 degrees. Taylor's closing night was last night, so we decided to put the thing on the grill before we went. If it got done a little early, you can remove from the grill, wrap in foil and towels, and place in a cooler for another 3-4 hours. I guess math was hard for us last night because we could have waited until we got home from the performance, but we didn't and put it in at 5:00 pm. I got up at 5:30 am and things were humming along so I went back to bed. Ish. When I got up again at 7:00, all hell had broken loose. The temp was 175 and the internal butt temp was 192. Needs to be 200. So, after constant consultation from Dan, I ignored his advice of finishing in the oven and restarted the grill. Since I wasn't in a hurry, I thought it might be ok for it to go a bit longer. So glad I did. The meat went down to 181, but once the grill got going, it started to rise. So, after 18 hours at 11:30, I took the meat off the grill. I wrapped it twice in heavy duty foil, wrapped it in swaddling clothes (towels), and layed it in a manger (cooler). I am exhausted. I feel like I have been through childbirth. Going to let it hang there a couple of hours before I shred.

Dan also gave me a recipe for Atomic Terds, which are stuffed jalepenos with cream cheese, smoked gouda, and wrapped in bacon. He also adds some taco meat or other kind of meat with the spices from the pork rub. I think they need a new name. I'm just saying.

Jalapeno photos courtesy of DZ

A good time was had by all. Back to eating healthy today.

The Sun will Come Out, Tomorrow

2010-02-01T10:16:00.001-08:00

Taylor has been performing in Annie the past four days, and has another 4 days to go this weekend. Seriously, you would think it was actually on Broadway. She doesn't have big parts this time, but her comedic timing always manages a couple of laughs from the audience. Let me talk about their schedule. Last week, she had to be at the theatre from 4:00 pm to 10:00 pm for tech rehearsals, and then from 5:00 to 9:45 the nights of the show. Yes, we still have school. Oh, and since Taylor is on the dance team at school, she still has to attend those practices. One was at 6:30 am after being at the theatre until 10:00 the night before. Needless to say, she was a little cranky. We scattered like rats when she came home at night. She is also in the school production of High School Musical, but needless to say, that has been the thing that suffered the most. Maybe next week...

I don't know how many of you have kids in these productions, but it is a whole other world. Not one I really saw myself being involved in. There are certain mothers who live for this. They love to see the show every night. For those of you keeping track, that would be eight shows. Eight. The show is good, but the only thing worth repeating eight times in a row would be, Twister or Independence Day. Eight. I'm seeing it twice. Twice. Thinking I deserve a brownie point for that. On the nights I'm not watching, I'm volunteering backstage. OMG. Some of those women get a little taste of power and they are SCARY. I feel sorry for some of the kids as they are railroaded by these women. I don't really follow the rules all that well which prompted a blanket email from the director. I knew it was targeting me. I think they should be grateful that I'm willing to help, and if I choose to ignore the scary women, so be it. I'm backstage sewing for goodness sake. This from the woman that either has to throw away the shirt that looses a button, or pay the dry cleaners to put it back on. I got in trouble because I was sewing a belt back on a white dress and had poked myself and bled on the white dress. Do you think anyone can see a couple of blood stains from a finger prick from 20 feet away. Calm down, already. Maybe I should just sit in the audience. One night I had to, by contractual obligation with the theatre, sit and guard the doors during the show. Really? This is children's theatre. Is someone going to sneak in? I mean, we aren't hiding Beyonce in there. It would make more sense to guard the doors on the inside to make sure no one sneaks out early.

They had all the "adult" roles wear fake eyelashes. It reminded me of a little show Taylor likes. Has anyone seen Toddlers and Tiaras? It is a show on TLC about little kids in beauty pageants. Talk about scary Stage Moms. These little kids have fake eyelashes, spray tans, fake teeth, etc. If you haven't seen it, add it to the ole DVR. It will be worth your time. So, Taylor is playing all boys parts in Annie. Are the fake eyelashes and make up important? Um, yes they are. This is her bum costume. Pretty cute Bum. Will get photos of her favorite costume, which is the nerd costume, of course. Her favorite role.

I find being a Mom challenging enough without being a Stage Mom on top of that. I'm not concerned about her next audition, or needing voice lessons, or acting lessons or any of that. Although I think she's funny, the chances of her making it in that profession are very slim. I always tell her she needs a back up plan. Maybe a doctor. She can do stand up on the weekends.

Compliment of Lori this morning...

2010-01-25T09:33:00.001-08:00

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we
Could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
Advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
All the things you have started and have never finished.'
So..., I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
Hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
Off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the
Cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
Freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of
Inner peace.

South Beach Day 14

2010-01-18T13:29:00.001-08:00

Today is the last day of Phase I. I lost 8 pounds in two weeks. Not too shabby. Didn't cheat on the sugar part, and only had carbs with my sushi one night. Other than that, I did pretty well. Are the sugar cravings over? Hmmmm, not so much. The headache is gone, but I could rip into a cupcake if it were in front of me. Now, I didn't exercise much. Really, only two days. The last time was in Arizona. I had a couple of hours before a dinner and decided I would jump on the treadmill. I worked out for 1 hour, then headed back to my room. Swipe, swipe, swipe, nothing. Went back for 3 more keys, and none worked. The card reader was broken. Ok, so how do we fix it? No one knew. The maintence guy was at school, and didn't get out for 3 hours. Now, I had my phone, my earphones, and my sweaty ass and that was it. Everything else I owned was locked in the room. Purse, room keys, money. Anything that would have enabled me to eat. When you're on a diet like this, food timing is imperative. I knew how long I could work out, time to get ready, and get to food before I started to look for small animals to eat. He shows up at 8:30 to get into my room. His trick? A wire under the door which he latched around the handle inside the room. Doesn't that make you feel safe? The best part? THEY DIDN'T EVEN COMP MY ROOM! The Holiday Inn Express Tucson is off my list.

So, 12 more pounds to go. I don't expect it to come off as quickly as before since you start reintroducing foods into your diet. Need to exercise. Hearing great things about P90X. Anyone know anything about it????

South Beach - Beginning of Day 7

2010-01-11T04:24:00.001-08:00

On my way to Arizona for the week so postings might be light, or non-existent. I'm still at 5.5 pounds, but have not cheated. This will be the true test - traveling.

Have a great week!

Day 5 - South Beach

2010-01-08T07:04:00.001-08:00

Nothin. Not a thing. No weight loss. Nothin.

After the day I had yesterday, you would think I would have been rewarded with at least a half pound. I didn't cheat. So, this is Day 5. That's 5 days without sugar, alcohol, and I think I've eaten more vegetables this week than I have in my entire life.

Last night, Robert came home late from work (big shock). He's been going out to eat most of the week, and since I hadn't heard from him until 7:30, I assumed he was going out again. He gets home about 9 and wonders what is for dinner. Little did he know the big surprise in store. I had made Southbeach Shepard's Pie. Basically, it is low-fat ground beef, edamame, onions, and their "surprise" mashed potatoes (cauliflower) on the top. Robert is a huge food snob, so I made sure I told him that this was sustenance food, not food food.

He took one bite and said, "I think I would rather die early." Nice.

Day 4 - South Beach

2010-01-07T21:42:00.001-08:00

Had a little melt down today. Had to call Pam for reinforcement, and after she assured me that she didn't do well in Day 4, I felt a little better. The good news is that I have lost 5 pounds. Only 15 to go! The bad news is that I almost assaulted a waitress today at TGI Fridays who happened to walk by me with a piece of cake. I know these sugar cravings are supposed to go away, but geez. I had to take a customer out to lunch today and we went to Fridays because it was on property.

Today, I became one of "those" people. Me ordering: Yes, I will have the Raspberry and Pear Grilled Chicken Salad, but could you hold the raspberries, and the pear, and put the dressing on the side? In fact, don't even bring the dressing, thanks. Ugh. Don't you hate those people? She just looks at me and says, "So, you basically want the chicken and the lettuce." Yup. That's my life now. The skinny bastard I was eating with had chips. The good, homemade chips. RIGHT NEXT TO ME! I wanted to ask him if I could have one just to lick, but it seemed somewhat inappropriate at the time. Looking back on it, I wish I had asked to lick the chip. Right now, I would give anything to lick a chip.

Just a word of advice, when you are on a strict diet that is taking away everything you hold dear (wine and sugar), sales is not a great profession. The rejection is huge. Usually, I can blow it off. Today I cried. CAN SOMEONE JUST BUY MY STINKIN SLOT MACHINE? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? MAKE A STARVIN GIRL HAPPY?

Day 2 - South Beach

2010-01-06T12:00:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to give you a quick update on Day 2 and into Day 3. So far, I have lost 4 pounds. Now, I realize most of that is water, but whatever. I'll take it. I have been dealing with a headache for the past 5 days, even before the diet, but the detox off the sugar and wine is making it worse. I think I am kind of sick and I'm sure that is where this headache is coming from. Plus, I have this lovely cold sore which is an indication that something isn't right. So very, very, tired of those.

On a lighter note, Pam has lost 6 pounds in one week. Awesome!

Haven't cheated even though the kids have had pasta, popcorn, oatmeal, etc. It's hard not to taste while you're cooking, but I'm making it work. Stupid kids. Probably why I'm fat in the first place. Looking forward to making it off the first two weeks and getting rid of the sugar cravings. There should be a sugar methadone clinic where you could go for a quick hit of a relief. Maybe the opportunity to eat one ear off of a chocolate Easter bunny. Mmmmmmmmm, bunnies.

Need to train. I feel a bit weak for training, but promised myself I would work that in sometime tonight. Or a nap. Can't decide. Only 14 weeks away from the race and really need to start the program. You know they have Yoga (Bikram) that is done is a really warm environment. Why not swimming? Wouldn't it be nice to work out in a pool that was about 88 degrees? I hate getting in the water when it's so cold outside and then so cold in the water. The warm pool is the answer. So you sweat a little in the water. Who cares? It washes right off.

Year-End Statements

2010-01-06T06:59:00.001-08:00

The following is the dialogue as we were watching a movie on TV the other night:

Lady on TV: I don't know what we are going to do. Just look at these year-end statements.

Taylor: Urine statement? What's a urine statement?

Me: Year-End Statement

Man, that kid is funny. She's going to make me a lot of money one day.

Day 1 - South Beach

2010-01-04T17:42:00.001-08:00

I woke up feeling really crappy. I was so cold and couldn't get warmed up, and I was a little sick to my stomach. I went back to bed after I dropped off the kids for an hour and seem to be recovering. I made these little quiche things that were in the SB book, and I thought they were disgusting. I can make them better and will. I would rather have no cheese then a fat-free cheese. Yuck. Also, not a big fan of things processed, and the cheese seems so fake. Not like the deliciousness of, say, Velveeta. That cheese is not processed at all. Nope. Not at all. Mmmmmmmm, Velveeta.

Kraft introduced Velveeta process cheese loaf in 1928 describing it as: "A delicious Cheese Food consisting of Kraft Process American Cheese with added milk sugar, milk minerals and water." Wow, I'll say it's delicious. Kraft won't actually tell you how they make it or exactly what goes into it. I, for one, don't want to know.

There is a stigma about Velveeta. I always feel a bit sheepish about reaching for the big loaf and plopping it into my cart. Also, it is always in the weirdest places in the grocery store. No one seems to know how to classify it since it is cheese, but doesn't need refrigeration. When I get home with my loaf, I always hide it behind the cereal boxes. Just in case some foodie examines my pantry and busts me with the goods. I have a couple of recipes that ONLY works with Velveeta. When people ask what kind of cheese is in the recipe, I reply that it is usually a blend of cheeses. No lie. That's what Kraft says. I've tried other cheeses, and they don't compare, so I am a purchaser, but probably only buy 2 loafs per year. However, there are those that embrace their relationship with Velveeta. About 5% of the population buys about 75% of all Velveeta sold in the United States. I personally know several of them.

Funny how I go from talking about diet food right on to Velveeta. It explains so much. I didn't cheat today, but wasn't able to work out do to aforementioned crappy feeling, but will let you know the results in the morning.

Happy Dieting!

This is usually about the time that I pour my first glass of wine. Sigh.

New Year, New Decade, New ME!

2009-12-31T20:12:00.001-08:00

One of my New Year's resolutions is to try to write more for the blog. I really miss it and it brings me great joy (especially when someone leaves a comment - hint hint), so I'm going to try to carve more time out for this.

Other things for 2010??

South Beach Diet starts January 4th. Since I've complained that my weight was out of control, I've managed to gain 10 more pounds. I've never done South Beach before so this should be fun. I need to lose 20 by June. Pam is doing it as well, but she always has really good luck with these things. It's more of a struggle for me, but I'm going to try. If it doesn't work, I'm thinking of having my jaw wired. Plus, all the stars are aligned. First of the year, first of the month, and a Monday. It's pretty much fool proof except for that whole no wine for two weeks part of the program. Everyone here is bracing for the impact.
Signed up for a triathlon on April 17th, so training pretty much starts Monday.
Might do a 1/2 Marathon on April 24th with the family in Nashville. It's the weekend after aforementioned triathlon, so I'm concerned I won't be able to walk. This race is a definite maybe.
Triathlon on May 15th in Las Vegas.
Pumpkinman triathlon in October.
1/2 Marathon in Las Vegas in December.

Well, that's the plan for now. I'm never going to finish the races unless I lose the weight. Waddling into the finish line is not a good thing. You get the courtesy clapping and the, "Good job - you're almost there." Ugh. I want, "Hey, you're on fire. Way to finish strong." I just hope I don't get faint while trying to train and diet. Those people do it on The Biggest Loser. I'm ready for someone to write a tell-all book about that place and how people lose the weight. I think they have little lipo machines sucking stuff out before the weigh-ins. That's really the only way to explain it.

Happy New Year! I'm so ready for this year to be over and for great things in 2010. This year is going to be awesome - I can feel it!

The Grind -

2009-10-29T11:56:00.001-07:00

I made a great dinner last night. I watched some guy make it on the Today Show and here is a link to the recipe Joe Bastianich’s healthy white bean stew. However, the recipe that is posted and what he did on the show was a little different. He used sausage, and while I'm not a huge fan, I did put in some chicken sausage instead. Not as much fat, but still some of the flavor. I wanted to use shredded chicken but someone in the house thought it would be too bland. Sigh. I deviated from the recipe a little because I sauteed the sausage, added pepper, green pepper, and onion before the garlic and then picked up the recipe from there. Oh, and the Swiss chard? Shut up and eat it already. It is delicious. I also never use as much oil as they say. Just enough not the burn or stick the veggies while they saute. The recipe only has 274 calories per serving if you use no meat. They also have turkey sausage which isn't bad either. I usually get the ones that have the hot pepper in them. Great vegetarian dish sans sausage. Bon Appetit!

Tasty! I highly recommend this dish!

Everyone has one

2009-10-25T16:47:00.001-07:00

Have you noticed how many of my stories come from Albertsons? Could that be because that is where I spend the majority of my free time? I should write a book on my adventures at the grocery.

I'm there the other day buying groceries, and we come to the wine. Sweet, life-giving, sanity-keeping wine. The checker asks me for my ID. Ha! Love it when that happens. She then says, "Girl, you look really good for your age. Except I like your hair color better in your license picture. Maybe you should think about having it that color again." Wow. Really? Couldn't we just end with how good I look for my age? It would be different if I had asked her opinion on my hair color. However, I didn't. This may come as a shock, but rarely do I engage in much conversation other than the weather, groceries, kids, work, etc. Light conversation. Little did I know I should be voicing my displeasure with the checker's hair style, hair color, or their choice of smock for the day. Maybe I could ask if they had sex last night, if it was any good, and maybe my opinion on why it wasn't satisfactory. How would you like them apples?

Always remember, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.

There was no Grind for Thursday - Saturday. Yippee. We had dinner out with the family on Thursday, and Friday and Saturday were spent either getting ready for or working in a haunted house. Details later.

The Grind - Wednesday

2009-10-22T08:53:00.001-07:00

Lime and Honey Glazed Salmon, Risotto Cakes, and Roasted Cauliflower with Herbed Breadcrumbs.

The salmon recipe called for the salmon to be cooked with rice and broccolini in the same pan. I hate broccoli. Even if they try to dress it up by using other cute little names like broccolini. Still smells like gas when you cook it. I just did the salmon by itself with the lime and honey glaze. You can click above for the recipe. It was Yummy!

For the risotto cakes, you take your leftover risotto, push a little buffalo mozzarella ball in the middle of it, and form a little patty about 1/2 inch thick. Make sure the cheese is covered. Dredge patties in flour and place on a baking sheet in fridge for 15 min. Heat 1 T extra virgin olive oil over medium heat until it sizzles when a pinch of flour is added. Dredge patties in flour again. Fry until golden brown and warmed through, about 10 minutes.

I love roasting veggies at high heat. It is my favorite way to cook them. The only way broccoli is tolerated. For the cauliflower, I preheated the oven to 450, tossed the cauliflower with a little olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper and cooked for about 15 minutes. I like my veggies a little crunchy, so you might have to cook them longer depending on your taste. Meanwhile, I took about 1 cup panko breadcrumbs and 2 chopped garlic cloves and roasted them over medium heat with a little bit of oil. Once the crumbs browned, I added some thyme and the grated zest of a lemon. After the cauliflower was finished, I sprinkled it with the juice of the lemon and added it to the breadcrumbs. Big hit with the kids!

Tonight? Going out. Family in town for a big 21st birthday - Happy Birthday, Brad!

The Grind - Tuesday

2009-10-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

Eventually, I will re-format my blog to include dinner ideas and recipes and that section will be titled, The Grind. Get it? The nightly dinner chore is such a grind, blah blah blah. Anywho, until I get that going, my other posts will be peppered in with the dinner stuff. Also going to try to take photos but I keep forgetting once it is plated. At that point I yell, "Come get your damn dinner. It aint gonna eat itself."

Tuesday Dinner - Sliders, Pumpkin Sage Risotto, and the leftover Haricot Verts with Shallots.

I already got feedback that meat AND risotto was a faux pas, so I guess I screwed up dinner before even starting to cook.
Conservatively, I spend 5 hours a week shopping at Albertsons. I also go to Whole Foods / Whole Paycheck if I need certain things or am feeling particularly wealthy. I set out yesterday to buy my stuff for dinner. The risotto recipe calls for you to roast a pumpkin. No canned stuff. Have you ever done that? First of all, I go to the produce section and there are no pumpkins. Really? You would think at this time of year pumpkins would be everywhere. So, I asked the produce dude, "Where are your pumpkins?" He got this huge smile on his face like he was going to reply with some inappropriate comment, and informed me they were outside. Really? So, I have to turn around, take my cart full of shit back outside where the wind is blowing 40 miles per hour to look for a pumpkin? I politely asked if they had any in back, told him I needed a pie pumpkin, and could he get one for me. Jeez. This little incident was a foreshadowing of what to come.
Last year I peeled a butternut squash for the first time and roasted that for soup. I thought that was bad, and then I discovered that Whole Foods / Whole Paycheck sells it already cut up in little cubes. Oh, it will cost you. It costs you plenty. I think about 1/4 butternut squash cut up is about $8.00. I think it's worth it.
I think the pumpkin is worse. Of course, you have to cut it, scoop out the seeds and stringy stuff, and peel it. It's that whole peeling thing that takes forever. It took me 30 minutes to prepare it for the oven. Maybe I just wasn't doing it right. I then roasted it, and it tasted like butternut squash, or a sweet potato. I think I would substitute another root vegetable.
I cook risotto in a pressure cooker, which I also use for pork shoulder roasts and other meats that need time to cook down. This will change your life. You wouldn't mind making risotto every night. You just put it all in and it comes out done. No constant stirring. The resident Italian gives it a thumbs up, so you know the consistency is right or else we wouldn't get to use it. Oooh, and the best part? The leftover risotto for risotto cakes the next day.
This recipe made WAY too much. I would half it. I'm trying out different recipes because I'm making this and risotto cakes on Christmas eve.
Bon Appetit!

PUMPKIN SAGE RISOTTO
· 1 small (1 3/4 pounds) pumpkin , peeled, seeded, and cut into 1-inch cubes
· 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
· Salt and freshly ground black pepper
· 6 cups chicken broth
· 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
· 1/3 cup chopped shallots
· 1 clove garlic , finely chopped
· 2 cups Arborio rice
· 1 cup dry white wine , such as Pinot Grigio
· 2 T chopped fresh sage
· 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese , plus more for serving
Spread the pumpkin on a baking sheet and toss with one tablespoon of the oil. Season lightly with salt and pepper. Bake until tender, about 35 minutes. Remove from the oven and cover with aluminum foil to keep warm.
In a pressure cooker, heat the butter and remaining 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat. Add the shallots and garlic and cook until softened, about 2 minutes. Add the rice and stir until it turns opaque, about 2 minutes. Add the unheated broth and the wine. Smash about 8 pieces of the pumpkin and add it now. Lock the lid in place and bring to high pressure over high heat. Adjust the heat to maintain high pressure. Cook for 7 minutes. Release the pressure according to the manufacturer's instructions or place the pot under cold water. Carefully open the lid, being careful of the steam. Stir in the rest of the pumpkin, cheese and season with salt and pepper. Serve immediately, sprinkled with the sage.

The Dinner Grind

2009-10-20T10:30:00.001-07:00

My biggest problem with cooking is what to make. Yes, I have the Epicurious App on my iPhone and do use it quite frequently, but I am always looking for good ideas. I know there are some of you out there who plan their whole week in advance with the menu, go to the store, etc. I bow down to you. I know this would make my life easier, but I just don't have it in me. Maybe one week I will try, as an experiment, and let you know how it goes. For now, I'm going to share some of my recipes and nightly cooking escapades.

This was yesterday's dinner:

I asked Robert for ideas about 2:00 in the afternoon, because if I couldn't obsess over it all day long, it wouldn't be a proper dinner. He suggested Pork Tenderloin with Apple Cider and Sage, which I paired with Roasted Garlic and Cheese Mashed Potatoes, and Haricot Verts with Shallots.

Went shopping and bought the pork tenderloin. Why do they come in two? I only wanted one. Had I wanted or needed two, I would have bought two. So, here is the dilemma. Do I freeze the second one, grill it, double the recipe (which almost never works for me), or what? The meat department has added to my stress and it really pisses me off. The first thing is to cut the fat and the silverskin off the pork tenderloin. Why? I just do what I'm told because I don't have time to look up why we must do such things. Is the world going to come to an end if I leave the silverskin on? Ok, for you Internet, I just looked it up. I got to the point where they said it was a membrane and decided that was good enough reason to take it off. Something else about toughness and meat curling. Could've lived with those things, but the membrane thing is gross. Really, cooking in general is really gross. We are taking parts of an animal and getting real friendly with membranes, innards, skin, fat, etc. If it weren't so tasty, it would make you want to be a vegetarian. Anywho, I decided to go ahead and fix all the meat. The kids can have little pork sandwiches for snacks after school.

The pork was just ok. The potatoes were a little grainy. The green beans ROCKED. Here is the recipe for that:

Haricot Verts with Shallots

Haricots Verts (french green beans) about a pound

1 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil (not sure if I used this much)

2 t Dijon Mustard

2 t White Wine Vinegar (I usually make my own)

1 big shallot

Steam green beans until just tender. I like mine crunchy, Lori. While they are steaming, whisk together remaining ingredients and add salt and pepper to taste.

Toss beans with dressing.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Tonight? Sliders with Pumpkin Risotto and some vegetable I haven't come up with. Bon Appetit!

Is it too early to complain? Didn't think so...

2009-10-20T07:17:00.001-07:00

I know we haven't seen much of each other lately and I hate to start complaining, but Atlantic City, NJ, could possible be the most miserable entertainment "Mecca" on earth. Maybe I'm spoiled, but when you go somewhere to have a good time, and spend your money, is it asking too much for a little help from the people who live and work there? I've decided it is the land of low expectations.

Your room? All you hope for is a room with the fewest stains possible. Hmmmm, didn't get that this time.

This looks kind of pink in the picture, but it was red. Blood red. I guess the chalk marks where the body was outlined came up better than the blood.

Maybe some good lighting to read a book? Maybe a light at all? Light bulb? Shade? Flashlight?

Room Service? Of course we have room service. Yes, you would need to come to the front desk to get a menu. Really??? Kind of defeating the purpose of the room service. If I have to get off my ass to walk the 12 minutes across the casino floor to get to the front desk to pick up a room service menu, I'm probably just going to grab something while I'm out. However, if I wanted to have pizza delivered, I had a few menus to choose from that graciously landed under my door everyday.

Ok, I can deal with the crappy accommodations but do you have to be so freaking rude? EVERYONE is hateful. It starts the second the airline wheels touch the ground in New Jersey. The toll booth guy acts like he could just eat off your arm as you extend it with the money as quickly as possible. The sign says, "Welcome to New Jersey - Now go Home."

Ask anyone who lives there or has lived there. There is something different about the Jersey temperament than the temperament of other states. They aren't bad people - just rude. Mean. More irritable.

Everyone is always so surprised when they come to Vegas and everyone is so nice. OF COURSE WE ARE NICE. WE WANT YOUR MONEY! SEE HOW EASY THAT IS???????????????????

Where have I been?

2009-10-19T12:00:00.001-07:00

I guess I should have told you where I've been, why I haven't been posting, and if I plan to return. I should have, but I didn't. Do you know why? Yeah, me neither. There is no good excuse. I've told you before that I'm just lazy. I will try to be better. The End.

Swine Flu

2009-10-19T11:57:00.001-07:00

There is so much hysteria around Swine Flu in the world right now, and the majority of it is coming from my household. Robert has insisted that if anyone is diagnosed, they will be banished to the backyard in a tent. Now, we vow to make the tent nice. Might even string an extension cord out there for a TV or radio. He doesn't want to be rash. The kids have been lectured on washing their hands so much that their skin is starting to get translucent from the scrubbing. Of course, just like everything else, NOW they say that washing your hands doesn't really help ward off the H1N1 virus.

Let me give you two examples. The first: I'm sitting in an assembly at school and some slob I'm sitting next to, someone with H1N1, sneezes and doesn't cover his mouth. The second: Someone with H1N1 rubs his nose, shakes my hand, and then I rub my nose. In which situation am I more likely to catch the flu?

An infectious disease specialist said that the effer who sneezed on me is more likely, much more likely, to give me the flu since inhaling particles results in a bigger dose of the virus. So, washing your hands wouldn't prevent you from getting the flu at all because some poor bastard is going to sneeze on you and his spittle is going to go in your nose or eyes. My pediatrician is reluctant to give out the vaccine because they think it was rushed to market. So, I guess we should all live in individual tents in the backyard. We shouldn't go to work (see how I snuck that in), or take our kids back and forth to school, golf, dance, broadway, performances, boxing, etc., or socialize with anyone else. Hey, this doesn't sound so bad. This might be the perfect disease for my laziness. Sitting in a tent in the backyard, with electricity, and having nothing else to do for a week. Hmmmmm.

Hallelujah

2009-09-07T08:44:00.001-07:00

See how things work? Not just a few short hours from my previous post of scientific research than comes a blessing of ginormous proportions. Apparently, and we are accepting this one, scientists have followed 2,800-plus people and have concluded that small thigh circumference is associated with a bigger risk of heart disease and premature death. This effect was independent of body fat percentage and BMI.

See justification here: Http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/339/sep03_2/b3292

If you really read this, it does spell out a few disclaimers, but I would just go with it. Yes, there might be more muscle, blah, blah, blah, but there could be a million reasons why. There is hope, my friends. Big thighs are going to save you from an early death. Don't fret again as you shove the last french fry in your mouth - it could actually save your life.

More Stupid Research

2009-09-06T18:39:00.001-07:00

Scientists in California found that middle-aged people who ran for 40 minutes a day, for a total of about 5 hours per week, lived longer and functioned better physically and cognitively as they got older. The researchers tracked runners and nonrunners for 21 years.

Really? That is shocking.

"What surprised us is that the runners didn't just get less heart disease — they also developed fewer cases of cancer, neurologic diseases, and infections," says study author Eliza Chakravarty, MD, an assistant professor of medicine at Stanford University School of Medicine. "Aerobic exercise keeps the immune system young." If you don't like to run, even 20 minutes a day of any activity that leaves you breathless can boost your health, she says.

Here is a link to the entire article. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32272813/ns/health-aging/

Isn't this kind of a "duh" moment? First of all, to get to 5 hours a week, you really need to run 43 minutes per day, 7 days a week. If you are running that much, OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN BETTER SHAPE. Chances are that when you run that much, you probably don't make In-N-Out burger a regular haunt. You probably take really good care of yourself and eat right. So, just saying running every day for 43 minutes is going to offer all these health benefits is so irresponsible. Coffee is good for you. Coffee is bad for you. No, coffee is good for you. Ugh. What is the truth?

I say we come up with our own research. Here is one that happened this week. Robert and I went to dinner where I had a cocktail and a bottle of wine. The next morning, I woke up at 5:30 with a HUGE hangover. I proceeded to my group run at 6 am, where I had a great run, probably one of my best. Conclusion: To run faster and longer, drink a bunch the night before. Another one: Eating a huge steak, au gratin potatoes, asparagus in butter, and dessert might interfere with weight loss. Conclusion: Pigging out won't help you lose weight. See? This isn't really so hard. Here is one I would like to see: Broccoli is bad for you (I hate the stuff). Maybe a research conclusion that 1 cupcake a day will make you taller. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! Yes, let's do that one. Anyone want to be my test subject? Control group?

What kind of Facebook user are you?

2009-08-30T11:56:00.001-07:00

I read an article yesterday about the different annoying users of Facebook. The full article is http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/08/20/annoying.facebook.updaters/index.html but I am just going to post his version of the 12 most annoying users here.

Here are 12 of the most annoying types of Facebook users:

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic." You're kidding! How fascinating! No moment is too mundane for some people to broadcast unsolicited to the world. Just because you have 432 Facebook friends doesn't mean we all want to know when you're waiting for the bus.

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.

The Chronic Inviter. "Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you?"

What type of Facebook user are you?????????????????

Great email I received today - Random Thoughts

2009-08-24T10:29:00.001-07:00

* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.
This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again..

* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions make good stories

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure.. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
Will we still be friends after this?'

* While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time... every time...

* It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with liquor than with "Kay".

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

4 years 3 months but may end very soon...

2009-08-10T13:53:00.001-07:00

I received an email from Krys today about a conversion with her 4- year-old daughter, Sofia, that took place yesterday.

Sofia: You're fat, Mom.

Krys: Whaddya mean?

Sofia: Just look at yourself.

Now, Krys is not at all overweight. Never has been. In fact, she weighs 3 pounds less than she did before she became pregnant with Vanessa. Krys told Sofia that she had hurt Mommy's feelings.

Today, when Sofia didn't want to go to the gym this morning, Krys said had to go so she could lose weight.

Sofia: Yeah, we better go.

Another example of why animals eat their young.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

2009-08-07T17:37:00.001-07:00

Let me get this straight because I never really thought about it before. The bird on the Cocoa Puff commercial, Sonny, can't eat the Cocoa Puffs because he will go crazy. If I get it, that's the premise. Only, he always does and goes crazy anyway. What kind of trouble does he create when he has one of his "episodes?" He doesn't break stuff, doesn't make a mess, and doesn't seem to screw up any relationships. I will admit that it is a tad annoying, but isn't it nice to see some people just cut loose occasionally? Don't you think it's funny when the person you never see drink has one too many? I mean it's not funny when they make a total ass of themselves, but cutting loose isn't something to be ashamed of. This damn bird has had to live a lie for the past 40 years. He's like the closet smoker of breakfast cereals. You know he's going to eat it and go crazy, so just embrace it and let him. This ad campaign has been on my entire life, and I just thought it through for the first time today. Now, if it takes over 40 years of seeing a commercial hundreds, if not thousands of times to get the premise, do you count that a success? If I bought Cocoa Puffs, it wasn't because of Sonny. It was only because they were little puffs of chocolatey goodness.

I say let the bird eat the damn puffs. Go crazy.

The Honeymoon is over...

2009-08-06T07:30:00.001-07:00

The honeymoon phase lasted longer than most. Almost two years. Yes, we all know how it was in the beginning. You get a little spark when you see him. You still are amazed at what he can actually do for you. He brings you pure joy. You are proud to have him by your side. In those two years, there was only one major issue but it was totally my fault. All was forgiven. In a new relationship, you tend to be less demanding and more forgiving but all that was unnecessary as he gave you everything you could have wanted and more. You constantly raved to your friends over the utter perfection and watch as they surreptitiously roll their eyes in unbelieving disgust. Then it begins. A few annoying things start to crop up, but you tend to overlook those because of all the other wonderful features. After two years of bliss, you wonder if it might be time for an upgrade. Not leaving the family, but just contemplating a newer model. Maybe the younger brother. So, I took the plunge. I upgraded my iPhone to the new fancy 3G model.

MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN SO MISERABLE (technologically speaking). I think they do this on purpose. They suck you in with this great little device, make it to where it would be really hard to live without, and then pull the rug out after you have dropped another couple of hundreds of dollars. Now, to be fair to the new guy, I'm pretty sure it is the 3G network. I never had an issue with the first gen phone. This one, OMG. First of all, I can't get a call when I'm in the house. So, I'm slowly training people to call the house phone if they think I might be home. You can see how this is working well. Basically, my friends and family must be somewhat psychic to talk to me. If they do call on my iPhone, I can go outside to the top of the pool area, out in the open and not under the tree, and can hear for about 4 minutes. After that, all bets are off. You can imagine how much fun this is when it is 110 degrees outside, which it's been for the past month. The dropped calls are staggering. I don't remember having this poor of service when I had my bag phone.

So, not only is the honeymoon over, but the love affair could be over as well. Is it time to throw in the towel?

The Bactine Mom

2009-08-04T17:52:00.001-07:00

I always wanted to be the Bactine mom. You know the one. The mom that was always there with the can of Bactine ready and available if you fell off your bike. Jason, my friend down the street, had the Bactine mom. She was always there for the neighborhood kids. She would spray us up and send us back out to play. It was only a few houses down from mine, but I always preferred the cool, Bactine treatment. We didn't have anything like that at my house. We used old home remedies from the 1900's. It's so weird, isn't it? No one questions what your parents do to you. For example, every year I would get strep throat at least once a year. I would go to my mother with a raging sore throat, and here she would come with the Merthiolate and some long cotton swabs. I would lay down in front of the sliding glass doors so she could see, and she would swab my throat with Merthiolate. After a miserable night, she would take me to the doctor the next day for antibiotics. If your home treatment doesn't EVER work, why do you keep trying it? The doctor would look in my throat and always comment how red it was. Well, that could be the dye from the Merthiolate because if you got that stuff anywhere, it was pink forever. Fast forward for 2009 and what do we now know about Merthiolate? Here are a few fun facts:

Merthiolate is a mercury-containing substance
It was used as a preservative in many different products, including vaccines
It is very easy to get Merthiolate poisoning. This occurs:

When large amounts of the substance are swallowed or come in contact with your skin
Poisoning may also occur if you are exposed to small amounts of Merthiolate constantly over a long period of time

The FDA banned the use of Merthiolate in over-the-counter products in the late 1990s, although I'm sure you could still find some in Maxine's medicine cabinet

How in the hell did we all survive? Our parents were constantly trying to kill us with their crazy home remedies, front seat no seatbelt car riding, back of pickup truck riding, etc.

When my kids were born, I made sure I had a can of Bactine ready to go when they started to get the inevitable knee scrapes. Reality set in, and I know I own some, but I can never find it. My "medicine cabinet" is a series of drawers and cabinets that have all prescriptions, sunscreen, gauze, and all kinds of crap that probably expired 10 years ago. There are so many locations of all this stuff, there is no way you could ever find what you needed for your particular ailment. I know I have Bactine, but I don't know where it is. I have also replaced the Bactine with my favorite, Neosporin, which is my go-to cream. Oh yes, the Maxine gene again. I put Neosporin on everything. Slash a three inch gash in your forehead? Spread some Neosporin in it. Athlete's Foot? You guessed it, Neosporin. First degree sunburn? Neosporin. Insect bites? Neosporin. Now, I know that Neosporin doesn't work on all these things, but I can't find the right cream and it makes everyone feel better to smear something on your boo boo. Someday Taylor will be blogging about her crazy mother and the Neosporin.

I see that ad on TV where the Mom's are all at the playground with their to-go Bactine spinning around on their fingers and feel a sense of guilt. Where did I go so terribly wrong in my child-rearing? Why, oh why, couldn't she blog about my obsession with Bactine? I really did want one.

Old People are Mean

2009-07-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

When my mother was younger, you could honestly say she was one of the nicest people in the world. I'm not saying she was going to fall over herself doing things for you, but she always had a smile on her face (except when I got caught sneaking out) for everyone around her. I was having a conversation with my sister today and she told me that Mom was mean to the lady who did her hair. I was shocked. She was always too proper and too concerned with what other people thought to make anyone mad at her or be rude to people. Now she doesn't give a shit who she offends and what she says. Of course, my first thought was about myself. Can you imagine what a raging bitch I will be at that age? I'm not near as nice as she was.

It's a Disgrace

2009-07-24T18:05:00.001-07:00

I receive a daily gaming report that mostly talks about the investment arm of gaming. It tells how the stocks are doing, any major stories, etc. You know, an industry newsletter. I read it faithfully. Never know what you might learn. It's usually really boring, but I came across something yesterday that really ticked me off. Please keep in mind that Nevada was probably the hardest hit state by the recession. Our property values are down 40 to 80%, which explains why we have the highest foreclosure rate in the country. Our unemployment is still on the rise and is over 12%. Everywhere you look, you see buildings that are half-built or abandoned. It's not good.

Enter the government and how we can always count on them to help. The following is an excerpt from the Fantini Report, the gaming industry newsletter:

Newspapers seemed to have gaming on the brain in the last 24 hours. The Wall Street Journal published a story on how the U.S. government may be saying they are not doing anything to hurt areas like Las Vegas but their actions are speaking a lot louder than their words. The WSJ said that big agencies like the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture are being encouraged to host meetings in places like St. Louis, Milwaukee and Denver, rather than Las Vegas, Reno or Orlando. The article discussed how a conference planner for MGM Mirage’s New York – New York Hotel & Casino tried to book a conference with the FBU but was sent an e-mail saying the Dept. of Justice decided conferences are not to be held in cities that are vacation destinations/spa/resort/gambling. Las Vegas and Orlando were the two specifically listed as no-no’s. The Dept. of Justice told the WSJ that they have guidance that says avoid locations and accommodations that give the appearance of being lavish or are resort destinations. The U.S. Travel Association showed the irony of all this because locations on the black list are known for having the most hotel rooms and conference space and often offer the best deals on meetings and conferences. The Association said they believe the agencies are worried about scrutiny and in order to avoid criticism from the media, they are spending more money. When are they going to start getting media criticism for that or for the fact that their actions are resulting in lost jobs. Has everyone forgotten the White House Chief of Staff statement that “government travel is not focused on specific destinations but on cost and efficiency?” The people at the top will point fingers at individual agencies such as the Agriculture Dept. who said the guidelines for meetings include: a travel hub; low cost; and a non-resort location.

Nice. In typical government fashion it makes total sense. Let's spend more money so that no one talks bad about us. Let's put our money in cities with 9.8% unemployment (Milwaukee), instead of cities with over 12%. Oh, and for all you convention goers this year, have fun in the Midwest while you think about what you are missing in Vegas.

Ok, I'm trying

2009-07-21T10:27:00.001-07:00

I know I have been absent for awhile. There has been a lot going on. Lots of travel, sick family members, wedding showers, etc. I'm going to try to get back to writing.

We are going to start out with more triathlon training (yeaahhhh). I've just started training again for a triathlon in October. Somehow, since the last one I've managed to gain 10 pounds so that stops here. I wish I was at the weight I was when I was complaining I was fat. I'm working with the same coaches as before so that will be good. I'm going to try and log what I do everyday and hopefully that will spark a few stories.

Today I swam 3500 meters. Hmmm, no story.

My coaches suggested getting a new scale. I hate them for that. They suggested one of those fancy numbers that tell you percentage of body fat, metabolic age, and a bunch of other stuff I can't figure out because I can't get past the percentage of body fat. WHOA MAMMA! Have you ever been on one of those bastards? What kind of sick person came up with this tool? I'm guessing someone with 10% body fat. Now, I'm not giving out numbers but let's suffice it to say that it isn't pleasant. Also, probably not great for someone obsessed by their weight. If you lose a pound, then you can gain a pound of body fat. The whole thing is exhausting. I know it's not completely accurate, but yikes. Time to put down the fork, sister. It's just so hard when there is so much yummy food around. Bev set me up with a delicious meal over the weekend and some beautiful tomatoes which cried out for bacon. Of course, I had to oblige. It was my first bacon and tomato sandwich of the year. Based on today's scale numbers, it will also be the last. The few little jewels that came home with me on the airplane, will be eaten sans bacon. Dammit. Why does bacon have to be so tasty?

British scientists have pinpointed the exact chemical reaction that makes bacon so tasty. The Maillard reaction, which occurs between an amino acid and a reducing sugar when heated, releases the smells and flavors that make people salivate. Your mouth is watering now, isn't it?

In my many trips this month, I read the Spirit magazine on the Southwest flights. There was actually a drink made with bacon. Bacon flavored vodka and the garnish was a little piece of tightly wound bacon resembling a straw. Oh, you wrinkle your nose but you know you want to try it. In fact, everywhere I turn there are more and more ways to use bacon. America is in a sort of bacon explosion, and I can only applaud the expansion. I'm not, however, applauding the expansion of my waistline but to be fair to bacon, I don't think it is entirely to blame. I have recently seen bacon-flavored coffee. Now, we could get our entire breakfast from our coffee. If you had someone who had pancake flavored coffee, you could switch off and have a great breakfast - all with very few calories. For dessert, there is chocolate covered bacon. Mmmmmmm. Right when all the great bacon recipes are emerging, I have to watch my bacon input. It's so unfair.

Wake up, America. Embrace the Bacon Explosion. To fully enjoy it, I don't suggest buying one of those stupid scales.

My life aint so bad

2009-06-30T14:08:00.001-07:00

This is why I'm involved with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Elli Wolpe, a cancer survivor, became part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society family when her husband David was diagnosed with follicular non-Hodgkin lymphoma. She is now one of our Team In Training® (TNT) participants. Here is a portion of her speech from the San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon Pasta Party.
I remember reading once that when people tell the story of an event that changed their lives, they often begin with the words: "It was a day that started just like any other day..."
The same is true for us. It was a day that started just like any other day when I got a follow up call after my annual exam. I was 31 and a new mother. And I had cancer. It changed my life forever. But I was one of the lucky ones, it was caught early and I survived.
It was a day like any other day when my husband, David, had a grand mal seizure. We learned it was caused by a brain tumor that was removed in a 10-hour surgery. But he was one of the lucky ones. It was benign and he survived.
It was a day like any other day when, just two a half years later, David found a swollen lymph node that led to the diagnosis of follicular non-Hodgkin lymphoma.
Luckily, the chemo worked and he went into remission. But being in remission is not the same thing as being cured. In January, he got the last of his Rituxan®, a monoclonal antibody that was developed in part by funding from The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
Now we play the waiting game. Because incurable means it's coming back. Only we don't know when. All we know is that it will be on a day just like any other day...
Your support for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society matters - to my husband, my daughter, myself... You are changing the world for people like us.

To learn more about LLS, please visit us at www.LLS.org.

Hey! Hey! Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!

2009-06-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

Taylor was complaining about the food at her Dad's house the other day.

Taylor: He even fed us a Macho Man.

Me: A Macho Man?

Taylor: Yes, a Macho Man. Can you believe how gross that is?

Me: Um, do you mean a Hungry Man?

Apparently, over there they have their food provided by the Village People.

Airplane Bathroom Etiquette

2009-06-09T08:48:00.001-07:00

One of the most debated and biggest frustration for women is the toilet seat debate. Seriously, how hard is it to put down the toilet seat? About as hard as replacing the toilet paper, I think. Both seem tricky for most men. Leaving the toilet seat up is a clear statement of control and power. Men do not own the toilet seat. Men don't get to decide that the normal position of the seat is up. If it were meant to be up, it would be decorated better so it looked good in the up position. Now, it just looks like it has been cleaned and no one put it back down.

I don't have this problem in my house as my husband is a gentleman, and Nick is too lazy to put it up in the first place. However, while I was on my flights last week, I had to use the restroom on the plane. Usually this is something I can avoid, but the 5+ hours of flight time sometimes get me. I stand up and start to climb over my husband to get to the aisle, and the 50ish year old man behind me jumps up and rushes in front of me to the restroom. He clearly saw me and was just being a jerk. So, he comes out of the bathroom and I move in. HE LEFT THE SEAT UP. Ugh. Now, if we can get past the point where it is just rude, WHICH WE CAN'T, it is also extremely unsanitary. If you don't put the toilet's lid down before, the forceful flush will vault microscopic bits and pieces of the throne's remnants into the air like a windblown dandelion. So, not only is he a gross disgusting man, but now he has catapulted little bits of shit all over the bathroom.

Thankfully, I'm not married to this guy because if he does it on the plane, you KNOW his wife falls in. Can we be a little considerate to fellow passengers?

Children In First Class

2009-06-07T11:12:00.001-07:00

Should children ever be allowed in first class? My answer is a big, fat NO. Well, maybe a qualified no. I say this since I spent hours with children in first class as we traveled across the country last week. On the first leg, which was an overnight flight, there was a 3 year old in the seats in front of us. She didn't misbehave, but she didn't use her indoor voice either. Half way through the flight, somewhere over Kansas, she throws up. Not only that, but the Clampets had also brought their dog and she threw up on the dog carrier. So, there was all kinds of drama in the middle of the flight/middle of the night cleaning up her puke. Clearly not her fault, but none of the adults in first class puked. If they needed to, they would know that they needed to go to the restroom to do so.

When business travelers complain about kids in first class, fellow frequent fliers call them elitists, kid-haters or worse. I always feel for the mother who has to deal with the crying baby on the flight. As we all sit in coach, I have great sympathy for her and always want to volunteer to hold the little tyke and give her a break. In first class, it makes me crazy. People think it is self righteousness or over-inflated self worth and they are trying to decide who can or can't fly on a plane, but I just look at it like I have paid a premium to sit here.

The next flight, there was another under 4 child who sat in front of us with a case of what sounded like swine flu. The child didn't cover her mouth and blew the germs all over the cabin. I didn't tell Robert as he is a germophobe and it could have ruined the entire trip. None of the adults in first class had swine flu, and if they did, they covered their mouths when they sneezed and coughed.

My qualified answer is if the parents have raised their children properly, there should never be a problem on a flight. When my kids were little, I brought their car seats on the plane and they sat in those on the flight. Just like in the car, they had to sit in their seats until the plane stopped moving. I did have them in business class back and forth to Australia. There was no way in hell I was flying coach to Australia. I did it plenty of times, and if they wanted me over there to work, they were paying for business. The kids were perfect. I know the other people in the cabin cringed when we came on board, but the kids slept for 10 hours, watched movies, ate, and enjoyed being pampered.

As with everything with children, don't blame the children. It is usually the parent's fault. However, toddlers in first class is never a good thing. Once they hit about 7, you can reason with them (or beat them in the bathroom). Until then, keep the little ones out of first class so I don't catch swine flu or have their puke roll back on my shoes.

Funerals

2009-06-05T08:33:00.001-07:00

Robert had a relative that died late last week. The funeral was on Monday, and so we went to Rhode Island for the services. Why do people get so weird anytime you mention the word funeral? People ask the most bizarre questions.

First, they want to know how old the person was when they died. I'm not sure the magic age where they "had a good life" but if it is over 70, then they had a good life and the death was justified. I think this is so people can vary their degree of sympathy. For instance, this lady was 86, so you wouldn't get much sympathy. For someone like my sister who was 39, or God forbid, a child, then the sympathy level is raised.

Another favorite question is how close were you to the person. Wow, that is so none of your business. Again, I think this is so people can justify the amount of sympathy they are going to project. What, do you want to know if I cried? Will it make you feel better to know that I cried? Are you trying to justify me taking a few days off to go to the funeral?

They are in a better place. Really? Because I thought they were just fine where they were and I could see them and talk to them as much as I wanted. Funerals really aren't for the people who are gone, but for the people that are left behind. AND I WASN'T DONE WITH THAT PERSON! Maybe they are in a better place, but they left me in a crappy place.

I told someone today where I had been, and he simply said, funerals are never a good thing. See? How hard was that? He's right. No matter how old the person was, how close we were, or if they are in a better place, funerals are never a good thing.

Robert's cousin, Anna, used to make me the most amazing lasanga every Christmas. In fact, she made sure that Robert had a piece for me after I got off the plane at midnight on Christmas night. God speed, Anna. I'm going to miss you.

Iron Girl

2009-05-26T21:09:00.001-07:00

Sorry this is so late. I know you all have been on pins and needles to find out how I did in the last triathlon. So, I will take you through the day. Since this is held at a fancy resort, the family stayed with me at the hotel. We spent 3 hours at the pool on Friday afternoon, and then ordered room service where I carbo loaded on pasta. Woke up at 4:30 am and ate my breakfast of yogurt and oatmeal.

I meet up with my friend, Tonya, at 5:30 in the transition area. We laid out all our stuff, and started to “slip” into our wetsuits. After spraying myself down with what looks like Pam cooking spray, comes the task of trying to fit my fat ass in a very tight wetsuit. We then walk about a half mile to the start of the swim. I make Tonya get into the water to do a practice swim since this was my problem last time. As we go into the water, I notice that it is BLACK. Only one thing I know makes water black and that is sewage. EEEEWWWWWW. I told you this race was gross and unorganized. Once we got away from shore, it was fine, but how sick is that? This race starts from land and we run as fast as we can, do a belly flop, and start to swim. Let me tell you this is where your heart rate goes up and you panic. I DIDN’T PANIC THIS TIME. Yippee. The biggest problem was that the bouys were too small, and some of the race issued swim caps that define your division were the same color as the buoy, so it was hard to sight where to go. Anyway, I did the ½ mile swim in 16 minutes, which was in the top 10%. A note for my coaches: I have one speed and that is on. Need to work on that.

So, you get out of the sludge, and have to run .3 miles to the transition area. This is why everyone hates this race. There has got to be a better way then to make everyone run that far to transition. I felt like I ran the whole time, got into my bike stuff fairly quickly, but it somehow took me 6 minutes to transition. I don’t know. With that time, I could’ve stopped and had breakfast. Maybe sucked down a Bloody Mary.

Off to the bike. I think I’ve told you this before, but they mark in black Sharpie your age that you will be at the end of the year on the back of your leg. I love it when I pass someone on the bike that is half my age. I did ok on the bike. Here is my issue. I get so caught up in watching everyone, enjoying the day, etc. that I forget to race hard. I’m just out for a Sunday ride. I had to remind myself a couple of times to step it up. The bike was 2 miles short of a standard Sprint triathlon. Why? There is no reason we couldn’t have gone one more mile out before turning around. Another reason why people hate this race. I finished the bike in 41min. I did see a girl who was on the side of the road covered in blood. I guess she went over her handlebars. The ambulance was on its way as I passed her. See? There is good stuff to look at.

Transition time from bike to run was 2:42 min. I knew what was coming, and would have liked to hang out and have a Bloody Mary at that point, but I had to run. At least I thought I knew what was coming. The run was out in the desert in an area cleared out for construction. All dust and rocks. Somehow, they made the entire course uphill, or so it felt. If there was a downhill portion, it was so covered in rocks that you still needed to take it easy in order not to break an ankle. Excuses, excuses. I pretty much walked the entire way. It took me 40 minutes to complete. Ugh. I know, I know. Running is my priority now. Thankfully, my coaches said to take it easy for a couple of weeks so I've been pretty lazy.

Overall, my time was 1:48:13. It was 10 minutes faster than my previous race, but the bike was 2 miles shorter. My husband is so cute. He took all the times and analyzed them to make me look better. Here are the highlights:

I finished 196th of 526 participants - in the top third
I beat the averages for all 526 participants in swimming, first transition, biking (everything but second transition and dreadful running)
In my age group, I was the 9th best swimmer
My favorite - I was the only person named Melissa in the race, making me #1

Just so you know, five of the overall Top 10 performers were from the 40-49 age group. The first two finishers were 49, and 45. Ladies, there is hope for us yet.

The next one is the biggie in October. Anyone interested?

Teaching children important things from your past

2009-05-26T20:37:00.001-07:00

Our cat, Enzo, is obese. I said it. We've tried to do interventions. We've hired personal trainers, we've tried drugs, food restrictions, nutritional experts, but the cat refuses to change. He loves his fat. He owns it. He's made it his own. We are done trying to help. We love our fat cat, and since he is almost 14, he seems to be fine. Enzo was running through the house which makes his fat swing from side to side. Taylor commented that he could use a sports bra. For some reason, that triggered a childhood song which I shared with the children. I would like to thank Brad Steck for teaching this to me:

Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro

Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow

Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier

Do you boobs hang low.

After I belted this out, both kids looked at me with empty stares. No one knew quite what to say.

My work here is done.

American Idol Conspiracy Theory

2009-05-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm in Arizona again this week. Home away from home. In the past week, I have only slept in my own bed one day. Last weekend, we went to Seattle to see the Red Sox series of games, which was awesome but extended my travels. I will have to reintroduce myself to the kids when I get home.

I had dinner with an old friend here this week and he has an interesting American Idol conspiracy theory that he shared with me on Monday, two days before the finale. He is convinced that the whole thing is rigged. I was a couple of beers into it, so bear with me while I try to repeat it. It goes something like this:

He was convinced that Kris would win because he could only sell CD's if he won. Adam had to make the top 2 to avoid controversy. So, it was ok that Gokey had to go at number 3 because he will still sell CD's and have a career. This has happened over the past as well. Basically, it is all about the record producers selling the maximum number of CD's.

He actually may be on to something. I have another theory and it was that after Adam heard the "winning" song, he did not want that to be his first single and he begged everyone he knew to vote for Kris. How bad is that song?

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T21:45:00.001-07:00

This is the letter I received from Taylor today:

Dear Momma,

Good morning! Happy Mother's Day! When are they going to make a kid's day? Nevermind. Thank you for giving birth to me. I love life. I've really never thanked you about that.

Also, I just wanted you to know how proud of I am of you for doing triathlons. I go to school and brag all the time about having a tri-athlete as a mom. I've very happy about the amount of money Team in Training raises for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Just think of all the people you've helped.

Momma, thanks for getting me to do Seussical Jr. If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't be a bird girl, and that would stink. Thank you for being there for me and pushing me along (Literally). Just kidding.

Love,

Sugarfoot (aka)

Taylor Mae

I've created a monster

2009-05-08T07:34:00.001-07:00

I have a big meeting today where I will wear a suit, but don't really need to get dressed up yet to take Tay to school. So, I throw on a pair of shorts, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. Hair in a pony. Hey, I showered.

Taylor comes in the room and looks at me and says, "Your outfit just screams Target."

Nice.

This is the same child that when she was 7, and we were in Australia, came into the room while I was getting ready for work. It was 4:00 in the morning, but she was up because it took awhile for everyone to get adjusted to the time difference. I woke up really early so I could drive to work when no one else was on the road. It was SOOOOO scary driving. Wrong side of the road and wrong side of the car. Anyway, she comes in all sleepy, rubs her little eyes, lifts her head up from my feet to my eyes very slowly, and says, "You aren't going to wear that, are you?"

You might think it is mean, but the little thing doesn't have a mean bone in her body. The sad truth is that she's right. Fifty percent of my outfit was from Target, and it was time to lose the tight skirt. All those years of nagging her about her clothes are blowing up in my face!

Could my life be any more boring?

2009-05-06T10:26:00.001-07:00

I'm not complaining about my boring life, but it's hard to write a blog when there is nothing going on. My pool heater pump broke. See how exciting? I was thinking about washing the exterior windows since it was hard to see out of them, but found someone else to do it. Even more excitement...

I know you guys are sick of triathlon talk but I think that is where my head is at the moment. I have another one on Saturday. This one is not as well organized as the one a couple of weeks ago, but it is at a fancy resort. My plan was to take the kids out of school on Friday and go to the resort and let them play in the pools and the beach. I know, a beach in Las Vegas is creepy. You should have to swim in it. Big ew. However, work always gets in the way and I have this big meeting on Friday afternoon that is completely ruining my pool plans. We will get there eventually. I have to check in my bike, etc. The kids are looking forward to it, so I will try to carbo load by the pool. Hmmmm, eating a bunch of carbs in my swimsuit. Something not computing here.

Krys, Ginny, Fred, and Jaye are also coming in this weekend. Not the greatest timing with the tri but it will be great to see everyone and we have a pool day scheduled on Sunday. What a great way to spend Mother's Day.

Will do another recap of the race on Saturday. I know you are thrilled. Your life can't possibly be as boring as mine.

Must be something in the air

2009-04-30T16:42:00.001-07:00

My friend from Vegas, Terri, was crossing the border by car today from Canada to the U.S. She has an interesting conversation with the Border Patrol agent that went like this:

Border Patrol: How much cash do you have in the car?

Terri: About a 1/2 tank.

Border Patrol: You have cash in your tank?

Terri: Cash? I thought you said Gas.

He let her through in spite of herself. Now, Terri is not related to Maxine so it must be something in the valley air that is clogging our ears. Couldn't be age.

Expense Reports

2009-04-28T08:47:00.001-07:00

I spent most of the day yesterday doing my expense reports for the past month. Oh, I know that if I did them weekly, it wouldn't be such a huge task. It first starts with digging through all my bags looking for crumpled receipts, then trying to navigate the incredibly complicated form provided by my company. When you entertain someone, you have to provide their name, title, company, whether it was dinner, lunch, breakfast, or drinks. Oh, and the last thing is what was actually discussed during the entertaining. I had a quick chuckle last night remembering some of the conversations while I was watering these guys during the trade show. So, on the form under business discussed, should I put down what was truly discussed? If I recall, two guys were talking about how one of my competitors let these guys suck her toes. Is that what they are after?

The Maxine Gene

2009-04-24T06:45:00.001-07:00

Robert: Looks like the Craigslist killer is on suicide watch. They found shoelace marks around his neck. His fiancee said...

Me (interrupting): Beyonce? What does Beyonce have to do with any of this? I think it is so irritating when celebrities inject their opinion into every issue.

Robert: Beyonce? I said fiancee, Grandma.

Me: Oh. Sorry.

Sometimes, I think I'm a pretty smart chick. Sometimes, the Maxine gene comes roaring in and I look like a total idiot.

Guest Blogger - Krys!

2009-04-23T07:11:00.001-07:00

Since I am on the road so much, if anyone would like to guest blog, you are always more than welcome. Of course, if it is effusive about me, it gets posted quickly. I promise I did not pay Krys to say this. I was very humbled. Also, I am planning another triathlon fundraising with Team in Training to go to Austin in May 2010. If you are interested in either Team in Training or just meeting up at the race, let me know. It would be a great time!!

Guest Blogger - Krys

Little do most of you know that our Melissa has never been an athlete, ever, in her life--until recently. I have a bunk knee and many more sports related injuries from all my younger sporting days and we both laugh that she is starting with a fresh set of 'everything' as she never was that sporting type of gal. But by golly she has always had the determination, vigor and ability to do and get whatever she wants/needs. And obviously, she wanted/needed to do this triathlon for Sandi. Don't get me wrong, she accomplishes so much more than you could ever know in the career field and in motherhood--those come easy for this remarkable woman (And she is teaching me as I go in the mothering category, a very trusted source. Good thing she is going through the teen years before me, huh?) I couldn't imagine losing one of my sisters but she has endured through a few of family tragedies and is still one of the strongest and endearing people I know. I know my family counts her as part of our crazy bunch as well so really, she has another 4 (well really 3 if you know what I mean) that are here for you.

Melissa, I am encouraged, so proud of you and very glad you are my bestest buddy. When you told me you are going to train for the BIG girl triathlon next, it made me want to swim and bike as well (I am currently a runner). Maybe next time we could do it together? Let's talk girly! (Especially about equipment as my gym shorts probably won't get me through the course.) YOU WILL GO FAR my friend...........God rest, sister Sandi. Peace--Krys

It was a GREAT day!!

2009-04-19T15:35:00.001-07:00

The triathlon was amazing. Our team raised over $30,000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I did this in honor of my sister, Sandi, who died of Leukemia. Here is a run down of the day.

Woke up at 3:50 am. Yikes. Then had to eat breakfast. Now I don't know about you, but I'm not really hungry at that time but it is important to shove it down. The only time I have ever eaten at 4:00 am was usually a Waffle House, and I was almost always real sorry the next day. Ew. I then drove for an hour to the lake. So, I'm there by 5:15, pump up my tires, and haul all my crap to the transition area in the dark. We were lucky enough to have our own Team in Training bike rack so we could all be together.

Here is the group before the event.

My AWESOME coaches, Kevin and Chuck.

One of our team members forgot his wetsuit. He had to call an ex-girlfriend who still has a key at 5:30 in the morning, ask her to drive 20 minutes to his house, get the wetsuit, and drive it to the lake. Wow. I guess their relationship ended on a good note.

In the wetsuit we head down to the freezing cold water. The coaches advise you to pee in your wetsuit when you get in the water. Everyone does it. Except me. I can't. First of all, it's too cold but mostly I just don't get peeing on myself and then sweating during the bike and swim. Talk about needing a shower. I have tried, but I have wetsuit fright.

Away, we go for our 1/2 mile swim! I did NOT take my coach's advice and take a practice swim which probably cost me 3 minutes in the swim because I panicked. When you first go out there, you get a feeling like you can't breathe and a bit claustrophobic because of the wetsuit and the cold temperature sending your heart rate soaring away. There was a woman I didn't know who completely panicked and took off her wetsuit while in the lake and swam back to shore. By the time she arrives, her body temp is down to 90 and she went away in the ambulance. I just dog paddled for a bit until I gained my composure but lost time.

Coming out of the lake. I did the swim in 18:11, but should have been better. Oh, is that why they have coaches?

I have NEVER had so many pictures of my ass. It looks even bigger, if that is possible, in a wetsuit. Wow, it is humongous.

Off to transition to bike. You strip off your wetsuit, shove your wet feet into your socks, put on your helmet, and hop on your bike. There is a bit of transition going from horizontal to vertical, so it takes a minute to get rid of your sea legs. Seriously, did I pick out those glasses? Yikes.

Basically, you're dripping water until about 5 miles into the bike. The bike was pretty uneventful. I felt well trained for that and was glad I had done most of the course. There was this killer hill at the end of the ride that we hadn't seen. Our coaches thought they should save a surprise for us. Gee, thanks. The bike was 20K and I did it in 54:12 minutes.

After the bike in the transition area getting advice from Coach Chuck. I wasn't happy with my stomach at this point. Too much Gatorade, I think. Man, I hate that stuff. Notice how neat and tidy the transition area is by mid race? Take off the helmet and bike shoes, shove on the running shoes, hat, and take a hit off the inhaler. I have Exercised Induced Asthma. It is self-diagnosed and something I will probably take up with a sports doc pretty soon.

On the run.

Have I mentioned how much I hate running? It is something I will be working on for the next 6 months to prepare for a big race in October. So, don't laugh at me but it was a 5K and it took me 38:43 to complete. Did I mention the first mile was uphill in the sand and rock?

Crossing the finish line. The time above was the clock for the Half Ironman people, so doesn't reflect my time of 1:56:06. I'm one one in purple.

Me and Taylor after it was all over. Wow, those glasses must get lost soon. Very soon.

All the personal bests were secondary to why we were really there, and that was to raise money for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. TNT (Team in Training) is an amazing organization that will train you do to a marathon or a triathlon while you raise money for them. Several people have started their career or general obsession with sports through them. If you ever thought of doing one of these endurance events, I suggest you go through them. I met some really great people, and had a blast. Was it work? Absolutely! My friend describes it a bit like childbirth. You hate it while it is going on but afterward forget it because of how great you feel.

Thanks so much to everyone who donated for this race. You are all amazing friends!

TRIATHLON TOMORROW

2009-04-17T09:54:00.001-07:00

The timing could not have been worse with the tri at the end of a trade show week where the only thing that got a work out was my liver. I know, maybe a little self control would have been in order? It is what it is and I will power through as best I can.

I'm doing this for Sandi.

Wish me luck! The snow here this week probably didn't do much to warm up the lake so that part will be the most tricky. Think warm thoughts at 6:45 PST tomorrow. I will update everyone how it went and some photos along the way.

Go Team!

Trade Show Fun before Tri

2009-04-12T20:49:00.001-07:00

I have a trade show in Phoenix this week full of drinking games, ball games, golf games, and reindeer games all rolling into my Triathlon on Saturday. I'm not sure this is what my coaches meant by "tapering." Yet it is always good to catch up with all the old cronies. Ugh. Look for me on TV on Monday as I will be at the Diamondbacks Game. Go Diamondbacks!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T20:39:00.001-07:00

While I should have been packing, shopping, getting a pedi, going to the store, and doing laundry, I opted to get sucked into a movie. Not just any little ole movie, but a four-hour cinematography masterpiece. Since it is Easter, it was the Oscar winning Ben-Hur. It was a great movie. Seriously, one of the most entertaining films I've seen in my life, but it was deliciously long. Not a great day for it since I'm trying to leave town and it is a holiday. I had a few other things I needed to do. Reminded me of the time when friends from college decided they would watch a movie before studying for their tests, and ended up renting the Godfather trilogy. They pulled an all nighter all right, but just watching the movies. I don't think any studying actually happened.

Robert always makes fun of me because I like to watch the same movies over and over. Nothing better than turning on the TV and finding Independence Day on for the 10,000th time, or 16 Candles, or my all-time favorite, Twister. I don't see anything wrong with it. Just because I know the dialogue verbatim doesn't make me a bad person. Just lazy. Of course I could find a movie I haven't seen before but the other is a sure thing. Is it just me who does this? Some of my favorite movies to watch over and over include:

The Devil Wears Prada
Twister
Independence Day
Step Up
16 Candles
Shawshank Redemption
Father of the Bride
Urban Cowboy
Last Holiday
Juno
The Game
Breakfast Club
Silence of the Lambs
Love Actually
Legally Blonde
Fever Pitch
The King and I
Grease
Sixth Sense
Almost Famous

What's on your over and over list?

WHAT IS UP WITH THIS WEATHER??????

2009-04-11T06:12:00.001-07:00

It is almost mid-April which means we should be settling into some 90ish days of sweltering heat and dry as a bone conditions. I'm getting ready to go take a quick dip in the lake in the 40 degree temperature with sheets of rain and wind that would make a Kansas wind be embarrassed. Ugh. My triathlon is next week and we have trained in some of the crappiest conditions. I know, best to train in them so you're prepared, blah blah blah. Would it have killed Mother Nature to give us 1 weekend of 80 degrees and sunny? Since that is the forecast for the race, we haven't actually trained in those conditions. OMG, I'm going to be completely screwed.

The Super Nanny Paddy Wagon

2009-04-03T10:37:00.001-07:00

I hope I don't offend anyone who might own this car, but cars, like clothes, are extremely personal. What works for one might not work for another. For instance, you won't see me in leather pants but I'm ok if you want to wear them.

Welcome to my lovely Arizona rental car. I looked good while tooling around town in this thing. Pretty much had to fight off the men trying to peek in the car to see who was driving such an awesome car.

I'm not sure Chevy's intention for making this car. What is it? A car, meat delivery truck, station wagon, paddy wagon, London taxi, or the Super Nanny car? I'm guessing they weren't big sellers which is why you now find them in Avis' fleet of rentals. It is not a beautiful vehicle. When I would come to a stoplight, people would point and laugh. It is also terribly uncomfortable. I can't imagine how a normal (not short) person would fit in this car. I'm 5'2 and felt cramped. I think this is Chevy's answer to the PT Cruiser. While I would probably not purchase a PT Cruiser, I think they are cute and have some personality. Hmmm, could this be part of the reason why GM is in trouble? So, when they are in a design meeting and this comes up, why doesn't someone shout out, "No, No, No, unless we are naming this the Fugly, we are not making this car." Or, maybe they could come up with something original because this bears a striking resemblance to a late 40's Chevy. I'm just saying.

I guess I should count myself lucky. When I returned it, someone next to me was returning the same car but in purple. The Barneymobile. I'm asking for that one when I go back in a couple of weeks. AWESOME!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

2009-03-31T07:58:00.001-07:00

I'm leaving for Arizona (again) for work for the week. So posting will be light unless something really funny happens. The only thing that would make this trip better would be my own place. I need an apartment in Scottsdale. Right down the street from Fashion Square, the mothership of all malls. Ok, maybe not.

Why I Never Had Pets, Chapter 3

2009-03-31T07:55:00.001-07:00

This is a Facebook thread between me and Krys over the weekend:

Me: How goes the snow?

Krys: Welp, we only got 4-5 inches--not as bad as it was predicted but all the media hype sent the city into a frenzy! Ben and Sofia built a snowman at midnight and Lucy dog barks continuously at it as she thinks someone is in the yard! How annoying!

Now, that's funny.

Contributing to Porn on the Net

2009-03-26T22:17:00.001-07:00

Most of what I write about is superfluous crap going on in my life or my weird observations about the world around me. I'm sure you've noticed that I don't detail fights with my husband, information about my co-workers, or spill the precious secrets of my friends. I do this to respect everyone I know, keep my job, and keep a few private moments for myself. I've decided to throw that out the window because of something that happened today. So, I'm putting myself out there. Be gentle.

A little background. I used to be really small. I mean, I'm still as short as I've always been, but my legs and my thighs were in check. This is gross but I used to lie about my weight when I renewed my driver's license because I didn't want the women at the DMV to hate me. I actually gave myself 10 pounds of weight on my license. Just to put this in perspective, I'm now 10 pounds over the lie weight, For those of you not so good at math, I am 20 pounds over my true weight in those days. However, with my small frame came teeny, tiny breasts. Even after two children, there was nothing there but a couple of fried eggs with nipples.

I started my first gaming sales job in 2000. It is actually the same job I'm doing today but for a different company. With this job came some pretty good commission checks. I decided that with my first commission check, I would look into breast augmentation. That is sort of a lie. I had "looked into" breast augmentation for years but now could finally fund it. I went to a great surgeon in Arizona where I lived, and 9 years ago this week, did the deed. It was, right up there with Lasik, the best thing I've ever done for myself. Say what you want, but it was really nice to finally be able to wear a dress without taking it in at the top, blah blah blah. I didn't get them huge. I wasn't using them for profession purposes, only personal. The one thing I said to the doctor was that I didn't want them to enter the room before I did. I went from a -AA to a B+. If you didn't know me before, you could never tell.

Fast forward to March, 2009. I am doing the sales gig again and have Arizona as a territory. I lived there for 8 years and LOVED it, so I'm completely psyched to be back on a regular basis. I had great doctors when I lived there and the quality of health care in Nevada is like the health care in Missouri (sorry to all those health care professionals in MO I'm offending. I don't mean you, I promise. I'm talking more big picture). So, I've decided to move back my doctors from NV to AZ. Not the GP, but the gyn, dentist, and yes, the plastic surgeon. Have I mentioned how much I love him? His office does awesome facials and little injectables and you can discuss all the other things you want to do but don't have the money or the nerve. This morning, I'm perusing the website looking for things I could chat about if I decided to do so, and waiting to make an appointment for next week while I'm in town. I'm looking at my work schedule and looking for time to visit the office. Things like Botox have been off the table while I was ~~consulting~~ unemployed, so in the first 20 seconds of working, I'm looking toward my previous lifestyle. I'm ready to visit the good doctor. This is a very slippery slope.

I'm looking at the website, wondering if the girls are still in the right place, and looking at the good doctor's work. My husband comes up behind me, asks me what I'm doing, and says, "Hey, that's you." He's looking at the before and after photos. "No way," I say. "I would recognize those anywhere," he says, "Zoom in closer." OMG. The moles and freckles on my chest give it away. I'M THE BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTO ON THE PLASTIC SURGEON'S WEBSITE. My breasts are out there on the web for anyone/everyone to see. Oh, and the worst thing? I'm not making any money off of it. My husband reiterates that he's always said that porn was a great way to make money on the web and since I'm already out there, well, he's just saying. Nice. I guess it's no big deal since you can't see my face but it is really weird. I'm sure there was some fine print I overlooked. Shouldn't I be getting some kind of royalty? I mean, it has been 9 years. If I do say so myself, the work he did was fabulous, but he has been getting some long term traction off that photo. That modeling gig should pay for liposuction, or something. Can you wait for that conversion next Thursday afternoon when I go in? I can't. Stay tuned...

Glad Krys is back from vacation

2009-03-25T10:19:00.001-07:00

Krys is one of the only people that leaves comments on my blog. Now I know you are reading it because when I call you to update you on my life, you already know everything. So, I'm just glad Krys is back so I know someone is reading. Sometimes, when I open the page, I just hear crickets.

You know you're back to work when...

2009-03-25T10:16:00.001-07:00

You have to Fed Ex birthday cards. Now, it wasn't that I didn't buy the card. In fact, I took it to Arizona with me last week and it rode in my bag. It started in Las Vegas, flew to Phoenix, drove to Tucson, Yuma, and Payson, and then flew back to Las Vegas where it rode around for another 3 days until it finally ended up at the USPS yesterday where it was sent Express Mail. Can someone please tell me why I couldn't put the thing in the mail?

Anyway, Happy Birthday Vicki.

Oh, and Cassidy, yours just went snail mail since I already missed it. Sorry about that.

If someone is looking for a gift for me for Christmas, I would like a calendar with everyone's birthdays already filled out and a reminder a week prior to get the card and get it in the mail. In fact, someone should start a service where I could just buy a bunch of cards, sign them, and someone else could mail them for me ON TIME. That would be awesome! Then if you didn't get your card on time, I would have someone else to blame other than myself.

Let's get this out of the way now for the rest of the year until I get my calendar and/or birthday card service. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE. I HOPE YOUR SPECIAL DAY IS FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND YOU GET TO SHARE IT WITH THOSE YOU LOVE.

Done.

Super Sunny at Albertsons

2009-03-23T17:30:00.001-07:00

I couldn't decide whether to name this, "Tales from the Grocery" or the above title. You decide. Since I have spent the majority of my adult life at the grocery store, I have many observations and tales from the store. This is what I observed yesterday.

The first time I saw it, I thought, "Ugh. Who does she think she is?" In the next isle with a different woman, I thought, "Maybe she's been crying." The next FIVE women I noticed, making the total seven, I thought, "You have got to be effing kidding me." Apparently, the women of Summerlin have decided that it is ok to wear your sunglasses inside the grocery store while shopping. Really? It's not ok. First of all, how to you shop in the dark? If you are using the glasses to hide little imperfections like bruises from Botox, or trying to hide your dilated eyes from drug use, I'm all for it. But just because you think it's cool? Please. Just so you know, everyone thinks you have a black eye, or are drunk and stoned. Oh, and the best part? It was raining outside rendering the sunglasses unnecessary outdoors as well.

I am all for props at the store, but only ones that enhance your shopping experience. I recently started using my iPod at the store. Let me tell you why. Have you ever noticed how depressing the music is at the grocery? There have been several occasions where I have actually had tears in my eyes from the constant stream of depressing music. My theory is that you will get so depressed that you will want to eat. You will remember you suddenly need that gallon of Haagen Dasz, those chips, and that cheese dip. Right? I'm totally on to them. So, I've been taking my music to the store and happily passing by the ice cream and chips. My cart actually steers itself right to the broccoli.

Is the sunglass thing a trend or just the stupid town/neighborhood where I I live?

Same guy - new story

2009-03-16T10:50:00.001-07:00

My memory fails me here if this was the same night as the previous story, but it was definitely the same guy.

After another night out with customers and drinking, of course, Steve decides to go back to his hotel room. Much to my chagrin, we find out that the man likes to sleep in the nude. In the middle of the night, he decides he needs to use the loo. He stumbles out of bed, opens the door, and steps into the bathroom. He hears the door close behind him and realizes that he is actually in the hall of the hotel and had mistaken the bathroom door for the front door. So, here he is in the hotel hallway, buck naked, and obviously without his hotel room key. He sees a couch in the hallway and takes two cushions off the couch. One for the front. One for the rear. With no house phone in sight, he heads downstairs to the lobby for another key. I wonder if he was able to provide them with ID?

Tell me a story

2009-03-13T17:17:00.001-07:00

I had a friend who was at the airport this week and called and said she was bored. "Tell me a story," she says. So, I thought for a second and decided to go with a good work story. For a little background, I previously worked for an Australian company. Their motto? "Work hard, play hard." I'm not sure how hard they worked but they definitely played hard. Drinking was the culture at the company.

About 5 years ago, we were at a gaming trade show in Phoenix. After the night's activities (which no doubt included drinking of some sort), we went to the hotel bar at the Sheraton. A good time was had by all, some had a better time than probably necessary. So, one of the Australian executives of the company stumbles out of his chair, said he's had enough, and is going to turn in. Good idea, we all thought. He goes to the elevator and heads upstairs. About 30 minutes later, we noticed that this executive was talking to hotel management while trying to manage to keep upright. He always had a really loud voice, and we could hear him yelling at the poor guy trying to help him. "My ***ing key to my room won't work. I walked all the way up there and the Go**amn key won't work." The manager is apologizing profusely. All of us watching the spectacle are laughing so hard we have tears running down our faces. We finally decide to put him out of his misery. One of my coworkers goes over to him, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Steve, we are staying at the Marriott."

Give & Get

2009-03-11T11:54:00.001-07:00

Save money with Gap Inc's nationwide Give & Get coupon which will support The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS).

This Thursday March 12 -Sunday March 15 - Gap Inc's 30% discount coupons will also provide a 5% donation (of LLS coupon-holders' net purchases) to LLS.

Go to http://www.gapgiveandget.com/np/lls.html to print out the coupon.

Gap Inc stores include: Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy. The coupons are for in-store purchases only and they are good in both the USA and Canada.

Simply go to the Give & Get coupon page, print a coupon and go shopping. Share the link as widely as you wish. You can print as many as you need, to shop at different Gap Inc stores.

Happy Shopping and donating to a great cause!!

Tip of the Day

2009-03-10T06:41:00.001-07:00

I got in a really bad habit of going to the store everyday while I was ~~consulting~~ unemployed. So, this weekend I decided to get ingredients for 4 dinners. I have all the ingredients and have prepared two of those dinners. I have all these ingredients for the third dinner such as ancho chile powder, red jalapenos, and pork tenderloin. I can't find the recipe. I've looked through magazines, websites, etc. but can't come up with anything that looks familiar. Oh, I can wing it but how obnoxious is it when you finally try to get organized only to sabotage yourself?

Tip of the Day: On your weekly meal planner, write down the reference for the damn recipe.

Note: The April issue of Bon Appetit has a recipe for Five Spice Chicken which would've been lovely except it called for 2 Tablespoons of salt. When I read this, I gave pause. Sure seemed like a lot of salt. I read the recipe a couple of times, and it was Tablespoons, not teaspoons. So, I followed the recipe. Needless to say, I threw away 3 1/2 pounds of chicken. So, if you happen to make this recipe, I would go with the teaspoons.

Nicknames

2009-03-09T21:24:00.001-07:00

Why is it that everyone must have a nickname? Sometimes it's just a play on your given name, and sometimes it is an event that could haunt you forever. Nicknames started historically where it was common for several people in the family to have the same name. I have a friend whose name, and several sister's names, was Mary Margaret. Mary could have the nicknames Molly, Polly, or Mae. Margaret might be called Peggy, Greta, Meg, Maggie, or Daisy. Her name was Peggy, and her sister's name was Molly. What? I think I will have a child named Lisa and call her Stacy. That makes no sense to me. Maybe it's a Catholic thing.

I remember in Jr. High School, one of the teachers was doing role on the first day of school. He would run down the list of names and almost every kid would change their "given" name to a nickname. He finally said, "Why don't you people use the names your parents gave to you?" Interesting question. I would be really surprised if Nick ever uses the name Nicholas. So, why did I feel compelled to name him the more formal name knowing that he would probably never use it?

Sometimes parents use nicknames to make their kid's names sound cuter and more age appropriate because they have named them a more grown up name. Say, for instance, when your name is Melissa and somebody in your family thinks it's cute to call you Missi. Unless you live in Texas and are a member of the garden club, no grown woman wants to be saddled with that. Oh, and a note to all those well-intentioned family members, it takes years to shed that name. I still have friends that will always call me Missi because THAT WAS MY NAME WHEN THEY KNEW ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. That was the name I always had. Of course that is what I told people to call me growing up. Now, not so much. I always have a huge identity crisis whenever I dial the 417 area code where I grew up. Um, hi it's Melissa Married Name, uh, Missi Maiden Name. Yikes. There are also some people that refuse to conform. Sometimes I will call my mother and say it's Melissa. Who, she says? Um, it's Missi. You know, you were the one who put the name on the birth certificate. I'm just saying when you give your cute little children nicknames, make sure you aren't saddling them with an identity crisis. Chances are you are going to screw them up somehow anyway and this one could be avoided.

Some fun ways are to give them nicknames never to be used outside of the home. Some of my favorite Nick ones are Nicholas Nickleby, Nicklebear, Nickleberry, Sugarfoot and some that I'm saving to bribe him with in later teenage years. Taylor's are Taylor Tot, Totman, Wumpkin, Little Stahly, Totski, Taylor Bug, Taylor Mae, and Pumpkin Bear. There is no rhyme or reason to them and I doubt we will still be using them in 20 years. Fun for me. Not traumatic for them.

Some cultures ALWAYS give you a nickname. For instance, the Australians always use nicknames as a term of endearment. Mine is Mel. I can't tell you how much I am not a Mel. Hey, Mel. I know that it is meant to be nice, and a 3 syllable name is a handful, so I don't complain. Besides, they shorten everything.

Then there are the nicknames you are saddled with. I won't mention some of them here, CHICKEN, but they all have a piece of history behind them. In my last job, I was the recipient of the nickname "Chops." I had a customer who was a rather large man of at least 425 pounds and we were at a corporate event with all the other customers in Las Vegas. One of my co-workers saw that my customer was staring at me from across the room. My co-worker said, "That man over there is staring at you like you're a naked pork chop." So, that's how I got the name Chops.

Parents beware. Give your kids nicknames they can use privately in their own homes. Let their friends come up with the rest.

Working

2009-03-03T20:37:00.001-08:00

OMG can you believe how much time working takes up in your day? I can't do anything I used to do. My training is suffering, my cooking is suffering, my laundry is hanging from the rafters, and I'm not sure where my children are and if they need to be picked up. PLUS, my blog is really suffering, as you know. Now don't think I'm some Princess who just had to go to work for the first time in her life. I have been working officially since I was 16. On my 16th birthday, my Mom said, "So, when are you going to get a job?" Luckily, my brother-in-law bailed me out with a hook up to Wendy's. I flipped fries with the best of them. I worked my ass off on that job sometimes not getting home until 1:00 am on a school night. One night the manager made us stay late cleaning the grills on a school night and I fell asleep driving home. I had just pulled into my little street and woke up when I hit the curb. No one was hurt. Nothing was wrecked. But, by God, those grills were clean. Seriously, is there any worse human than the 30-something fast food manager? In the 80's, there was no World of Warcraft or Halo outlet. Just poor, young teenagers trying to make a buck or two, and he took it out on us. My usual train of thought is that video games are evil, but I'm thinking my life may have been enhanced with Call of Duty available to the Wendy's manager in 1985.

I used to have this working thing so dialed in. I was able to deal with high-level strategic decisions, make sure my kids were where they needed to be, cook dinner, bake cupcakes for the holiday party at school, take the car in for service, get waxed, nails done, hair cut and colored, little injectables, and still keep the weight off. I'm not doing any of that now. My job does not contain any of the stress I used to have. I have one nail hanging on for dear life with round 4 of super glue. The kids are pissed because they have to wait at their pick up location. My hair looks like crap because it hasn't been out of a ponytail in two years, and I'm still fat. I'M DOING IT WRONG!! I'm hoping it will all come back to me soon because I haven't really been back in the groove. I forget to call people back (Marsha). I promise, tomorrow. Hope you're done with your laundry you needed to move along, and yes, Nick found his pants.

Please just hang in there with me. We can do it! I will get it together and not feel so overwhelmed and be able to multi-task as all of you do each and every day. I'm just out of practice. Think of me in spring training. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Since I'm already screwed, I'm going on a weird fad diet. Will report as I go. It includes no wine. The old me would be constructing a noose with various fabrics left around the house to intertwine in a fine tapestry worthy of nooseness. The new me is too ~~lazy~~ overwhelmed to even think about the energy necessary to pull something like that off. If you have any awesome time-management skills or just a little advice for someone who has been out of the game for awhile, that would be great. I'm thinking I need a little help with this one!!

It could be worse...

2009-02-25T09:13:00.001-08:00

A mother walked by her son's room and noticed that the room was neat, and the bed was made. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Paul

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Dustin's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Guests and Fish (and Ducks)

2009-02-23T17:34:00.001-08:00

Ben Franklin said, "Guests, like fish, begin to smell in three days." This man never had ducks. About two weeks ago, we had a couple of visitors:

It was always a male and female and they were interesting to watch, and cute. Who doesn't like ducks? While I was out of town last week, Robert said they came back and brought a couple of friends. I like to think that my pool is G-Rated, but I think they may view our backyard oasis as The Grotto at the Playboy Mansion. So, we kind of enjoyed our visitors and let them party at their leisure until I noticed that they were not picking up after themselves. Oh, and we aren't charging them anything and never asked for a deposit.

This is how they repay our generosity:

My pool is cleaned every Tuesday. The poor pool guy doesn't know what he's in for this week.

Now I don't know what this duck ate for lunch, but he has a serious GI problem.

I'm thinking he should probably schedule himself for a scope because this is just not right. If anyone has any ideas how to get rid of unwanted Grotto guests, please let me know. Those ideas should not involve a firearm of any kind, because they are still really cute even if they are disgusting.

Guest Post

2009-02-20T20:22:00.001-08:00

Since I was out this week and didn't have access to a computer, I wasn't able to post this earlier. I have it now, so enjoy! Thanks, Marsha for helping me out and sorry for the delay. I would like to challenge all of you to be without a computer in another town for 5 days while you're not on vacation. Go ahead, try.

Melissa is incommunicado and asked for a sub. I'm sure she will regret such request...especially if Maxine is reading the blog.

Valentine's Day was exceptional but for the fact it landed on a Saturday. Well...that for me was bitter sweet. My husband and I spent a "married 10-years-romantic" night at home. I cooked of course but received a sparkling gift. Not so bad. For the past five years, I have scheduled my "yearly" cervical invasion on Valentine's Day but this year had to schedule on the 16th. I know that sounds...well, disturbing, but I consider it my gift to Dr. Cullan. I figure if I've gotta suffer, then there's no reason not to make it hurt for him too.

I love the posters in the exam room showing the stages of pregnancy. I'm 44, and as I stand "nude" changing into the extra-petite gown, and lookin' down at my physique, poochin' out my stomach; wondering what trimester I would be in if I weren't post-menopausal, I then thank God. Why is it this stage of life has the word "pause" in it, and it doesn't mean everything is put on hold? When can I say; so I can't get pregnant anymore, no longer have to stock-up on feminine accoutrements that I've been having to carry in a beach bag, and putting an end to those raging emotions I've been in denial about for, oh,... 30 years? I'm just kiddin'. Sweet, Dr. Cullan, with his sausage fingers said I would not have the pleasure of menopause for 8 years or so. He always knows the right
things to say. He always shakes my hand and says, Marsha, do you feel bloated? I say, do you need new glasses, Doc? He says, are you irritable? I say, I'm here on Valentine's Day, aren't I? Doc says, how are your periods? I say, I can't wait for my next one. He then talks about how busy he's getting and having to move some patients around and there's a new great Gyno in the building. I say, see you next year, Doc. Happy Valentines. Tell, your wife hello. Oh, and my daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies, as I whip out an order form.

On a lighter note, I've seen many comments from Melissa's friends that have chittlins. All children are wonderful but let's not fool ourselves into submission. I have five. Not all from my loins, but all of them now mine. Greg and I married 10 years ago. And when we did, my daughter, Mallory, was five. Mallory started kindergarten at a Catholic school. The pressure of a sinner like myself having wonderful kids in Catholic school is still insurmountable... but I'm fakin' it just fine. When Mallory was in second grade and picking her up from school of an afternoon, I caught her in the hall. Pretty as a plumb in her little plaid jumper, with the appropriate ankle-covering socks, I threw my arm around her small shoulders. Sister Mary Catherine appeared out of nowhere. Proudly, I stopped and asked Sister Catherine about an upcoming project that was due. As Sister and I discussed it, Mallory was slung against my hip. My Angel butt-in saying; "Mom, do we have a Bible at home?" I said, "Mallory, you know we have a Bible at home," as I tucked her behind me, pinching Mal's arm and thanking Sister for her service to God, I hustled Mallory out to the car...nagging all the way.

Mallory is a Freshwoman now and picking on more than one Nun a day. We should all pray for God to be with the Nuns that instruct the Potter kids.

Out of Town

2009-02-15T19:28:00.001-08:00

I'm traveling this week without my computer, so the posts will be light or nil. If anyone would like to do a Guest Blog, let me know and I will post it.

Have a great week!!

Valentine's Day Treats

2009-02-13T09:12:00.001-08:00

This is the sheet cake that I sent to school with Taylor and to work with Robert. It is a really old recipe of my Grandmothers. Let me know if you are interested in the recipe. It will bring back memories! The picture isn't great, but each individual piece of cake is on a doily. After all, would Valentine's Day be complete without doilies?

A little humor at Albertson's

2009-02-13T09:07:00.001-08:00

Isn't it crazy how there is advertising everywhere? The most outrageous ad placements are the pull down tray on the airplane, and the lane dividers in the mall parking lot. Some I don't even notice. I'm not sure how long they have been doing this, but they put ads in the grocery cart at the far end facing you. This was what I had yesterday:

How funny is that?

Boring

2009-02-12T08:26:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted much lately because there is absolutely nothing going on. Oh, I did get the job. I start next week. I'm reluctant to release many details because not all the paperwork is complete and I don't want to jinx it. I will give full disclosure soon. So, this week has been running around town Mach 5 with my hair on fire (love that saying!) trying to get everyone organized with everything they will need next week while I am away. That includes to and from rides to football 3 days a week, weightlifting 2 days a week, and dance 6 days a week. Really, all I am is a car service. I have threatened to look into how much it would be just to hire a car to take these kids around. Seems cheaper than a nanny, and they don't really need to be "babysat" anymore. Yes, but that would require too much effort and it is my last week of freedom.

We could talk about the crazy lady who wants to look like Angelina Jolie who just had 8 kids because she needs attention. Nah, too easy.

We could talk about how I am knee deep into all this training, and I try to keep my workouts posted on the blog so you can see that I am really working at it. Wouldn't you think that doing all that exercise would make you lose weight. Nope. I've gained 5 pounds. Just goes to show you, it's all about eating. Or not eating. Oh, and it's not muscle. Muscle doesn't jiggle.

We could talk about Valentine's Day and what a stupid holiday it is. Seriously, what is the point? Unless I'm getting really expensive jewelry, I'm just not that into it. Do people really need reminded to do something nice for their significant other? I have to be creative for all these other holidays (birthday, father's day, anniversary). Frankly, it's exhausting. I'm making a cake for Taylor's class. Will post the photo later today. Didn't you love/hate Valentine's Day at school? It took so much time to pick out the right valentine for everyone, because you didn't want the smelly kid in your class to get the wrong impression. How tragic would it have been if one said, Bee Mine, with a picture of a bee on it and he thought you wanted to go together. Gasp. Also, when did buying presents for your kids come into play? I thought this was more for your sweetheart, not your children. Everyone knows we love the children better anyway. My friend, Lori, always said it best when talking to her husband, "These are my children. You are just some stranger I met in a bar." Don't you love that?

The pressure that comes with Valentine's Day is stifling. The pressure to come up with a good gift. The pressure of the women in the office that get flowers, and trying to persuade everyone in the office through clenched teeth that your relationship is fine even though the louse didn't send flowers. Not that you really want them anyway because it is a waste of money, but it's all about the show. What about the pressure if you're single? Do you know that Valentine's Day has a very high suicide rate?

I say we revolt. I do have to make the stupid cake, and I will probably get the kids a candy heart, and buy my husband a card, and probably make a chocolate soufflé, and some huge dinner, but nothing else. After all, I'm not celebrating.

In honor of Valentine's Day

2009-02-10T08:40:00.001-08:00

Check out this website www.whyhimwhyher.com. You can take an on-line quiz to find out your type. I'm going to make Robert do it, although I can probably guess what he is. I am a Negotiator/Explorer. It is pretty accurate. When you go to the website, you get the results immediately. They are not emailed to you, so if you feel a bit weird about giving them personal information, I'm just saying they aren't checking for accuracy. Let me know how you go with this.

You know it's time to go back to work when:

2009-02-05T09:54:00.001-08:00

Nothing in your laundry needs to be folded, ironed, or even hung up because it consists of sweats, workout wear, bike shorts, etc. EVERYTHING in the laundry.
You know more intimate details about the mailman, next door neighbor, guard, and meat guy at Albertsons then you ever wanted to know.
Somedays you go a full 12 hours without adult conversation.
Your dry cleaners quits sending you birthday cards.
Neiman Marcus, Saks, and Nordstrom don't call anymore to tell of an upcoming sale.
It actually hurts to wear any other shoe other than running shoes or Uggs.
Your car doesn't automatically go to the mall.
Your car is dirty (I used to get my car washed at the airport when I traveled).
You haven't been to the Hampton Inn Manager's reception in 6 months.
You don't know the menu at Applebee's anymore.
You lose your Premier Executive status on the airline and have to board in Group 3 like all the other Plebians.
You pack too much to go on a trip because you have lost your packing prowess.
You haven't actually done anything to your hair other than put it in a ponytail in months.
You're tired of being the house bitch. Doing everything by yourself because your are not "working."
You're really tired of cooking dinner every night and never going out (remind me of this later when I'm going out to eat for the 6th day in a row entertaining clients).
Your bank account is so low, when you go to check your balance online, moths fly across your screen.

Hopefully, I will have something soon to share on the subject of my employment. For now, I am going on a bike ride at 10:00 am on a Thursday BECAUSE I CAN.

Cooking Prowess

2009-02-03T17:56:00.001-08:00

I was the last child. The 5th girl. My mother was 41 when she had me, and to say she was more than done having children would have been an understatement. After all, she had been having them for over 20 years. When my father died when I was 9, the woman saw that as a green light to slow down on cooking. I don't blame her. A couple of my sisters were really picky eaters. You know, I find that behavior completely obnoxious. The picky eater. Just shut up and eat it. I never can believe when random kids come over and I have cooked dinner and they say they don't like it. Um, so? Cereal box is over there, dude. I don't make anything crazy weird when other kids are here. Sometimes we are talking about scrambled eggs. Of course they aren't delicious. Shut up and just eat them.

To say that I was fed well in my growing up years would be a stretch. When it was just me and my mother, she hardly ever cooked but did know how to stock a pantry. Everyone always wanted to come to my house late night because we had every snack cake known to man. I lived on those snack cakes. Twinkies, Little Debbie's, Cupcakes, Moon pies, Zingers, etc. I also had a crapload of Rice-A-Roni and hot dogs. Those were things I could cook. Do you know I never ate broccoli or cauliflower until I moved out? I guess after you've been trying to shove that down people's throats for 20 years, you just give up. After all, surely there is some nutritional value in Twinkies. The woman didn't have great eating habits herself. For breakfast, she would have coffee. For lunch, she would have a Coke, and it was when they were in those little bottles. For dinner, she would just have a few bites of something because she always said she wasn't hungry after fixing the food. It's no wonder she weighed 112 pounds her entire life until she quit smoking, then look out Mama, the woman got really fat. I guess what I'm saying is that I didn't have much training in the kitchen. So, where did I get my cooking chops?

When I moved out of the house, I was armed with my Betty Crocker cookbook and was ready to go. I did ok. No one starved. Sometimes, we would even get a little creative, such as chicken roll up contests. It was a different person's turn every week and we moved from house to house trying new chicken roll up recipes. That consisted of pounding out chicken and coming up with interesting fillings and sauces. Then, I met my friend Marsha who grew up in a huge family that did nothing but cook. She first impressed me with ham gravy. Who knew such a thing existed, and WHY HAVE I NOT HEARD OF THIS BEFORE? Two of my favorite things, Ham and Gravy. She also taught me a thing or two about Velveeta. The kids' baby daddy's mom and aunt were pretty savvy in the kitchen and some of my favorite recipes come from them. Oh, and Southern Living Magazine had something to do with my cooking. I would try something new out of there every month. I still try something new at least once a week from Bon Appetit, or Epicurious.

Lori once gave me a shirt that said, "It's a Good Thing," because my friends called me Martha Stewart. I used to throw a pretty lavish dinner parties. My Easter gatherings are legendary. I thought I was doing pretty well in the kitchen department. Then, I met Robert, who was all too excited to tell me I was doing it all wrong. I didn't have the proper tools. So, he outfitted me with good German knives, All-Clad pots and pans, and all the necessary tools you never knew you needed. You know, kitchen toys. It actually did help. I also found the Martha Stewart Channel on Sirius 112 and it has also changed my cooking life. I made a pie this year. With homemade crust. It was awesome. Thanks, Martha!

I guess I'm saying that I have had to learn cooking on my own, with lots of help from people along the way. How did you learn to cook? Was your Mom awesome in the kitchen and you made cookies on a chair next to her from the time you were 5? Was it your Aunt? Maybe a family friend. Was it out of necessity so you didn't live on Rice-A-Roni and hot dogs?

Deadly Sins at the Gym

2009-02-02T11:53:00.001-08:00

I went to the gym this morning to take a spin class. ALL I wanted was to go back to sleep. I was having a rather odd dream about Brad Pitt. Seems he wanted me to help him take care of all his children. Doesn't that say so much about me? Can't I just have a sex dream involving Brad Pitt without having to babysit? Anyway, I dragged out to go kill my quads and pierce my eardrums with all the techno music. When I leave there, I'm never sure if my ears are ringing because I need to eat something or if the music was just too loud. OMG I hate getting old. Since I'm training, I've been spending more time at the gym. You won't believe what happens in these places. I have listed some of the more interesting things I've seen of late:

I don't know if it is appropriate to wear your white sports bra in public. I have no opinion, I just don't know. What I do know is that it's not ok to wear a size 32B when clearly you are a 32DD during spin class. This woman spent the whole class making sure her nips didn't spill out, but they did. All during class. Yes, we were ALL watching, which I assume was the point.
It is NEVER ok to slough your feet with your pumice stone at the gym in the locker room. Little bits of your nasty feet flying all over the room. Ew. I guess you could use the Pedi Egg so your chunks would be caught in the device, but I still don't think so. Certain things should be done at home.
Picking at your scabs on your shoulders and back while you are on the treadmill, stair stepper, etc. Ew. I just stared at this woman the entire time. Thankfully, I was far away. Can you imagine the biohazard she was creating? Ditto with the feet thing.
Chatting with me while you are naked. Yup, I don't know you and here you are striking up a conversation with me while you are buck naked. Oh, and it's never the beautiful people who do this. Note: When you are naked, jump up and down and if anything moves, it's not ok to chat up other people in that state. I can hear you just as well with your back turned to me.
Hogging the mirror. You are beautiful. You are looking tight. Get over yourself and let me see if I'm lifting correctly. Jeez.
Eating in the sauna. Yes, you heard me correctly. I think it was a turkey wrap. Oh, and someone else in the sauna was naked. So, there I am with naked fat woman, and turkey wrap woman who has no problem slamming down her food while staring at naked fat woman and sweating. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it again.

I'm sure you have interesting experiences as well. I would love to hear them. For now, I will keep reporting the injustices of the world, one neighborhood gym at a time.

Super Bowl XLIII

2009-01-30T09:58:00.001-08:00

I love the Super Bowl. When I lived in Dallas, the Cowboys were in their glory years with the Troy Aikman era. MMMMmmmmm, Troy Aikman. So, it was always a festive time. We got to buy a new TV for the playoffs and that was memorable. I think 2 years in a row, I had to call in sick to work on the day after with what I termed, "Super Bowl Flu." Have you had it? It usually is gone by noon with the help of a greasy cheeseburger. As much as I always enjoyed the festivities, it pales in comparison to Nick. When he was 4, after the Super Bowl ended, he threw himself down on the floor in tears. "What's wrong?" I asked. "There is no more football for 8 months," he replied back through sobbing cries. "Well, next week there is the Pro Bowl," I said. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "That doesn't count because it's not a real game." I knew right then it was going to take someone very special for him to spend the rest of his life with. Someone who really enjoyed the game, and would think it was cute when he started quizzing them on how many times a particular team had been in the Super Bowl and their records for the past 10 years. God speed, poor soul. That unsuspecting person has no idea right now what they will be getting into.

Nick has logged 20 hours this week of pre-game TV. He has the background story on every player, knows the line on the game, and has even talked to his Dad about placing a bet for him. I realize I am in the gamblin biz, but have you ever tried to place a sports bet? Next to speaking in front of large crowds, I find it the most intimidating thing I've ever done, so I've only done it once. I couldn't tell you if I won or not because I didn't know what I was doing. The betting is especially crazy in this game. Here are some of the weird bets you can make (I have put in the latest line if you're interested):

Coin Toss
Total distance on the first punt of the game Over/Under 41.5 yards
Total kickoff returns by both teams - Over/Under 9.5
What color will (Cardinals owner) Bill Bidwell's bow tie be?

Red -600
Any other color +400
Bidwell must be seen on camera wearing a bow tie during the game for this to be an official play

How long will it take Jennifer Hudson to sing the National anthem? Over/Under 1:54
Will a cheerleader's nipple fall out of her costume on national TV, creating a wardrobe malfunction? (ok, maybe I made that one up)

No, I'm not encouraging the boy to gamble, but if he can exercise his brilliant math mind on a few statistical options for me, I'm down with that. Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

So, I asked Nick if he wanted to have people over, and he responded with a resounding NO. Why you might ask? He doesn't like people over because they distract him from watching the game. They always do that annoying thing called talking and he might miss something. Oh, and he doesn't like to share his poppers. He has requested that everyone get their own box so they don't have to share. I usually give everyone 2 or 3, and because this is such a big game, that is totally not acceptable. We are also having pulled pork sandwiches, pigs in blankets, spinach dip with pita chips, hummus, chicken kabobs (as seen on Biggest Loser this week), veggie tray (which Nick crossed off my menu list when I wasn't watching), and a cheese tray. The princess has requested brie and smoked apple cheddar.

If I were having people over, I would go to Home Depot and get some Astroturf to use as my tablecloth on the buffet table. I might even put in the hash marks and paint the team names and logos in the end zones. I would also pull out all Nick's football stuff to use for decoration. Since it's just us and princess has announced she will not be watching the game because she can't follow it, I think I will just throw the food on the table. Hope you get to have a party. What are you making?

Facebook

2009-01-29T12:16:00.001-08:00

My friend, Pam, was telling me how much she enjoyed Facebook and that I should join. Whatever. That is for the younger crowd, I thought. I have my Linkedin account for professional networking, and have resisted any other Internet social networking. The only time I got on Facebook or My Space was if I was planning to hire someone and I would check them out and see if they were stupid enough to put a clip of themselves on Spring Break in a Girls Gone Wild video.

Pam kept encouraging me to go on her account and see photos of all the people she knew, both past and present. Of course, it was the past we were having the most fun with. Looking in on old high school, college, and post-college friends and checking out intimate details of their lives without actually needing to carry on a conversation. This aint so bad, I said. So, I set up my account and invited a few friends, caught up with a couple of people, rummaged through a few photos, and was soon pretty bored by the whole thing. Fast forward to Saturday night a couple of weeks ago when I'm home alone cooking dinner and decide to grab a glass of wine and play around on Facebook. I had so much fun. I was able to search through high school classes, and found my old boyfriend's brother, who was charming and just as sweet as ever. Again, we spent a few minutes writing back and forth and then that's it. I would hope to keep in touch. I would hope he will call when he comes to Vegas. I would hope I will call the next time I'm in Chicago (which is always during the warmer months). I think this is what Facebook represents. It is social networking using today's technology which continues to encourage people to not really get together.

Just like texting. I love texting because it is quick, down, and dirty. You can tell someone something without the annoyance of having to have a long chat. Can you imagine dating in the texting world? I would have loved that! Breaking up with people by text because you're too big of a weenie to talk to them in person. I think most of my relationships wouldn't have lasted as long as they did.

So, on Facebook, there is no room for error and you should know all the ins and outs. If you tell something personal, and really most of this stuff is, you risk looking like an idiot. I really watch what I say, who I have as friends, and how much information I provide. In other words, not a great idea for someone who's had too much wine. You might invite people you really don't care about (did that), and now those people have access to your information. People write on your wall, but I don't always want everyone to see my conversations. I'm sure you can do this privately, but don't know how. Once, Liz gave me a picture of the old Cat and the Fiddle, which was cool. Then, you get something like this:

You have been Kidnap'd by Kelly to Mumbai with the Spicy Beef Burrito!

What??? I don't have any idea what this means. I haven't been kidnapped. I've never been to Mumbai. I certainly don't eat Spicy Beef Burritos. So, there is a lot of crazy stuff on Facebook that I don't understand. Maybe it is for the young folk after all.

Other people's children

2009-01-26T09:48:00.001-08:00

When I say that I don't like other people's children, I'm not kidding. Generally, I like mine and a few others, and that's it. But Sofia and Vanessa (Gravy) are awesome kids. Sofia is smart and intuitive, and I've never seen another human so focused while watching TV. She already has her selective hearing fine tuned. A bomb could explode right next to her, and as long as the TV was still operational, she wouldn't notice. She woke me up in the mornings with her sweet voice, and talk of her special powers. By the way, she will be getting another special power on her birthday. Stay tuned. Then there's little Baby Gravy. She is a super sleeper. When Krys picked me up, she was sleeping and proceeded to sleep for another 3 hours. I threatened to pinch her so I could play with her, but Krys said no. Stupid Krys.

Our friend from high school, Melissa Rebori, stopped by with her son, Blake. Stay longer next time, chica!

Gravy's first coo!

The Lazy Friend

2009-01-26T09:32:00.001-08:00

Last week, I had a great lunch with my friend, Margo, whom I adore hanging around. When we get together,we always have a great time talking about the kids, husbands, jobs (or lack thereof), plastic surgery wishes, and all necessary items. We laugh and always talk about how nice it is to have a normal friend in this weird town.

We never see each other.

We probably get together 2-3 times a year. When we meet in the middle, it takes each of us about 15 minutes to get there, so it's not inconvenient. She works at home and I don't work, so we have the time. We always have fun when we see each other. So, what's the problem? Why don't we talk or see each other more? I like to blame it on The Lazy. I am a very lazy friend. I want friends. I like friends. I just don't put forth the effort to grow the friendship. That being said, I have a circle of friends I've had since I was in middle school. That's fairly amazing. How many of you out there still talk to people you knew 25 years ago, especially when you were kids?

Krys, who is one of my bestest friends, is the polar opposite of The Lazy Friend. She always makes sure we keep in touch, sets up the Christmas reunions every year, and generously used her frequent flyer miles to fly me out to play with her over the weekend. (psst...I snuck Gravy home in my suitcase. I hope she doesn't notice. I plan to give her back when she starts talking.) I had such a great time. We cooked, played with the kids, drank our share of red wine, built a fire, set up her iTouch, and just hung out. Our main accomplishment outside of the house one day was to go to Starbucks. I don't have friends anymore to hang out with. You know, where you could just drop by their house with a 5 minute notice, and they don't care if the house is clean or not because they are just glad to see you? The ones that don't mind when you wear the same sweatshirt for three days in a row? Or that don't mind when you kid barfs on them? I have a friend in Vegas that I talk to on the phone almost everyday, but hardly ever see. My phone friend. Krys has gym friends. They talk everyday and she knows things about their lives, but not their names. I have previous work friends, Facebook friends, industry friends, shopping friends, old friends, new friends, distant friends, bestest friends, and casual friends. Do you know what kind of friend I would really like? A private plane friend. A really close friend who would loan out her private jet. How about a Caribbean Villa friend?

One night, Krys and I got out the old photos. Another thing I love about her. She has them organized, and in a box by date, etc. Some are in photo albums, or they were until I ripped them out. There I was, ripping photos out of her organized photo album, and she didn't care at all. She said they needed to be posted, and she was right. I hope I asked her before I did it because that's what a good friend would have done, but I probably didn't because I'm The Lazy Friend.

These are photos from a toga party in high school. Anyone who can help me with the names will get a "I'm not a Lazy Friend" button.

Thanks, Krys, for keeping the photos and letting me rip them out so we can share. I will be posting to Facebook soon.

The Cardinal Sin

2009-01-19T09:28:00.001-08:00

Yes, I did it. I'm not proud, and the thing is, I know better. There are just certain things you just don't do. Certain codes you don't break. You don't date your friends old boyfriends. As you get older, you don't ditch your friends for a guy. You don't date your boss. You don't flirt with your kid's teachers or coaches. Don't get your meat where you buy your bread.

The Cardinal Rule: You don't mix your salons. You go to a different salon for hair, waxing, nails, massage, facials, little injectibles, etc. You can't mix them. You can't have your facial where you get your hair cut. What happens if you have to break up with one of them? That makes for the awkward hello when you see them again. You know that they talk about you when you leave. Compare your stories. Who needs that kind of stress?

I never want to be known as the salon whore. I don't want to know the name of every hairdresser because I've gone to everyone in the salon. I like long-term relationships. I do. I don't want to date around. I've never had a problem before staying faithful. In Arizona, I had the same stylist for years. The same nail person. The same doctors, dentists, etc. Since I've been Living in Sin (City), I can't stay faithful. I've had 3 gynecologists, and looking for number 4. I've had my hair cut by a million people, some of them licensed, and have only found one that I loved. His cut was $175. I only went a couple of times, Robert. Even I just can't justify it. I've had so many nail people I can't even count. My previous nail lady actually asked to use my address so her kids to go to school in my school district. It is our "extra" house and no one lives there. I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea, and unbeknownst to me, she decided not to take no for an answer. I didn't realize what had happened until an officer from the Clark County School District left a note on the door that they were verifying an address. I called and said little Johnny did not live there. No, not for the past two years that he's been using the address. I assume he found another school and is not learning in a cardboard box under the underpass. So, some I've had to break up with some because they were crappy, and some I've had to break up with because they had a touch of The Crazy.

I have a nail person that I've been going to for about a year. I like her. She's pleasant, she knows what I like, and she doesn't cancel on me. She just found out she was having a baby. I bought her a present. We are all good. Right across from her station is a very nice lady who cuts hair, and is good friends with the nail lady. I've seen her clients come and go for over a year now. The cuts are good. The color is good. So, I tried her out on the kids. It all went fine, so I signed up. I KNEW I WAS BREAKING THE RULE. Truth is, I have a touch of The Lazy so it was a convenience thing for me. So, she cuts my hair. All was good. Robert actually noticed I had it cut and liked it. So, I have her color it. It was ok. I'm actually new to coloring, so it always takes me some time to get used to it all. I went in Friday for a cut. I said to the woman, "I just barely want it trimmed. I want the scissors to wave by the hair and cut off the stragglers. Less than 1/8 of an inch, please." SHE CUT BANGS. It was at least 2 inches across the bottom and 5-6 for the bangs. I screamed at her that I have not had bangs since the infamous Dorothy Hamill haircut when I was 9, and they were as terrible then as they are now. I can't even put it in a ponytail, which is crucial to my training. Oh, and the chunky layers you put in might have looked good on a little chickie who is 19, but looks like a desperate attempt at youth on a 41 year old. Oh, and also, you don't want to thin this hair because now you are able to read a book through it.

Now I'm in a salon dilemma. I don't have to address it right away because my hair is so damn short that I wont need another cut for months but it's looming. Weighing quite heavily on my mind. Feeling pretty good about myself with my oompa loompa face which is still not cleared up, and my lovely new do, especially since I have a job interview today. Doesn't it sound fun to go to an interview with someone you've never met and have to preface the fact that I usually can open my eyes more than 3 mm, or those huge purple bags under my eyes is only because my cheeks are so swollen, and when I smile, I look like a bulldog because of the extra swollen wrinkles?

Internet, I need your advice. Anyone have any good salon break-up strategies?

Spring Ball

2009-01-17T19:50:00.001-08:00

Enzo has decided to play Spring Football this year. If anyone would like to sign up for carpool, he is an excellent driver and a decent tight end. We are hoping his neck injury won't be a factor in the playoffs.

Protein Smoothie Challenge

2009-01-14T09:33:00.001-08:00

How many of you are brave enough to take the Purple Power Smoothie Challenge? I have been making this smoothie for the past week or so and we all love it. Of course, some of the smaller people in the house don't know what's in it. They know what's in mine and just assume I take it out of theirs. Isn't child logic interesting? This recipe came from Cuisine at Home Magazine, February 2009.

Makes 1 smoothie

1/2 banana

1/2 cup frozen blueberries

1/2 cup acai-blueberry juice

1/4 cup soft silken tofu

1/4 cup soy milk

1 tsp lemon juice

Process in blender until smooth. Done.

Per 1 1/2 cups: 219 cal; 3 g total fat (0 sat fat); 0 mg chol; 43g carbs; 46mg sodium; 4g fiber; 7g protein

I never could find the acai-blueberry juice so I bought one that also included pomegranate. Also, Tofu has no taste. I REPEAT, TOFU HAS NO TASTE. It is like a flavor sponge so it will absorb whatever you put with it. If you put it with blueberries, it will taste like blueberries. If you put it with strawberries, it will taste like strawberries. If you put it with snozberries, it will taste like snozberries. This calls for the silken tofu, which is different than the chunky kind you see in Chinese food. Oh, just try it. Let me know if you do it and what you think.

Swimming, Biking, Running, and Leukemia

2009-01-09T12:16:00.001-08:00

I've been warning you this was coming...

My sister, Sandi, died in 2002 of Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. She was 39 years old. It was absolutely horrible. She was in terrible pain in her back, and went all over Springfield, MO, begging doctors for help for months. At one point, they even suggested putting her in the psych ward for evaluation because there was nothing physically wrong with her. Her ex-husband was on the local Red Cross board with a neurosurgeon who agreed to see her. He did a full blood panel, which no one else had done, and a body scan. After 4 fruitless months of trying to figure out what was wrong, she was diagnosed on Memorial Day. To say that the medical treatment she received was a clusterfuck would be an understatement. Her primary Oncologist would come in and talk to her and tell her the things he learned the night before on the Internet and possible courses of action for her treatment. NEVER ONCE did they say, you should get your affairs in order. She went through all the hells of chemo and all the treatment plans. She had the resources to go to other hospitals in the country, but they never told her how bad it was. I don't think it ever really crossed her mind that she might die.

She started developing fluid around her heart and I decided to come in for the weekend from Phoenix since she wasn't doing well and it was the weekend before school started. When I arrived, she said, "Wow, I must be really sick if they called you to come." I asked what she was on because she was kind of loopy, and they said she was on no meds. She was scheduled for surgery the next morning at 6:00 am. I arrived about 5:30 and she was unconscious. She would mumble words, calling out for her kids by name, but never waking up. No one came to get her for her surgery. Her husband, my sister, and my mom showed up a little while later but still no one came. We asked the nurse who said she would send in the doctor as soon as she arrived. Sandi's regular doctor was off for a few days, and this woman was on call. She finally came in the room and told us that Sandi wouldn't make it through the weekend. We were completely shocked. We called for her kids to come, and when they arrived, she did open her eyes and say their names. We are thankful for that, at least. The doctors were actually right on this one, she didn't make it through the weekend.

She was gone August 10th. She left behind two boys who were 14 and 15 who were at a time in their life when they needed their Mom. They still do.

I have decided to complete a triathlon in Las Vegas on April 19th in her honor and at the same time, raise funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I am working with an organization called Team in Training who will train me while I raise money for them. I've always wanted to do this, but now I feel I need to do this if I can prevent one more family from going through the pain. Maybe one more kid can have his Mom around when he needs her.

I'm asking for your help with a donation. I know it is a terrible economy and the Christmas credit cards bills are rolling in, but if you can help at all, it is really a worthwhile cause. To donate, you can click on My fundraising web page and you can donate online.

I will also be sending out an email for those of you in my email list so please don't get offended if you see this twice.

I will be letting you know how my training is going, which seems to be at a standstill right now until I get rid of the Oompa Lumpa rash on my face, but I will get back to it as soon as I can.

Thanks for this. I will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

WARNING: AVEDA GREEN SCIENCE FIRMING FACE CREAM IS MAKING MY LIFE MISERABLE

2009-01-08T12:54:00.001-08:00

In an attempt to get off the greatest/most expensive face cream in the entire universe, I have been playing around with cheaper options. I go from Creme de la Mer which is over $200 for the jar which lasts about 2 months to Oil of Olay which is about $17 for the same amount of time. Thanks to the lady at Wal-Mart who checked me out the other day, I now know that their brand, Equate, was the same exact formula for $8. I didn't tell her I was coming down off a product high and felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel with Oil of Olay and wasn't going down any deeper to Equate. You may tell me that it is just as good, but I'm taking baby steps here. Work with me. My husband decides he's going to help because he doesn't like to see me suffer, and while he is getting his hair cut, picks up the Aveda Green Science Firming Face Cream. OMG. I now have hives all over my face and neck. Little blistering bumps that make you feel like you are either going to cry from the pain, or tear apart your face from the itching. As a bonus, it also sparked a cold sore as well. I would take a picture, but I'm way too vain to have it out there. Now, I've used Aveda hair products for 20 years, and use the body soap everyday as well so I'm used to their products. You know, "The Art and Science of Pure Flowers and Plant Essences." Or hives. Whichever.

I went to the doc in a box today and have a prescription for steroids. He didn't think it would scar. Great. I can't exercise for 2-3 days and have to continue to take Benadryl, which makes me sleepy as soon as I pull the box off the shelf. I break open the blister pack and I better be standing 3 feet at most away from a sleeping surface because I am out.

Just a friendly consumer warning from someone who is tied to the house. Do not use the Aveda skin care cream.

New Year, New Goals (or same ones as always)

2009-01-07T13:06:00.001-08:00

So the calendar flipped into 2009 and here we are. I feel like I should be doing something. The beginning of the year is like having a restart button, or a do over, if you will. I've never been good at holding myself to a "New Year's Resolution" so I don't do one. Oh, and don't you hate it when people ask you what your resolutions are for the year? I mean, it's usually really personal and something you don't like about yourself. You never hear someone saying, "I've decided that this year I'm going to eat like a pig and gain 20 pounds, spend all my money and be homeless." One of my favorite journalists, Jack Germond, a salty old liberal who used to write for the Baltimore Sun, had the same New Year's Resolution every year which I now have adopted. "I'm going to drink less, smoke less, and suffer fools gladly." My mantra going into 2009. I don't smoke but I also don't suffer fools gladly either. I am training for a new triathlon. I'm doing it with a group so hopefully that will help with the training. They aren't there everyday to make you do something. Notice I'm not at the pool right now which is where I should be. More on that tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever I get around to it.

As you know, I'm addicted to the Martha Stewart radio channel on Sirius 112 or XM 157, and they started a 35 day health challenge on the Whole Living channel if you're interested. I signed up but not really all that interested. As you know, it is Wednesday and it really started on Monday so I can't join mid-week. It also has a no meat first week policy and I love meat, and a no alcohol policy and I love alcohol. I'm not quite sure this is the program for me, but I feel pressured to have a resolution.

According to the Internet, the most popular resolutions are :

Lose Weight (year long battle)
Manage Debt (Manage to keep the debt below head level)
Save Money (See below - first things first)
Get a Better Job (or just a job at this point would be good)
Get Fit (Like 6 pack abs or just able to button my pants?)
Eat Right (Less cupcakes, more tofu)
Drink Less Alcohol (Hmmmm, no?)
Quit Smoking (Check)
Reduce Stress Overall (Really not that stressed right now)
Reduce Stress at Work (I have NO stress at work)
Take A Trip (That doesn't mean Missouri for Christmas)
Volunteer to Help Others (Yeah, Yeah)

Did you pick yours? Go ahead, take one and make it your own. Then we can all feel like losers together when we've blown it off by President's Day.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T10:39:00.001-08:00

2008 New Year's Eve was officially the most boring New Year's Eve for me on record. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it felt really forced. I made way too much food and found myself at 9:30 on the couch by myself watching Clueless for the 20th time. Robert was hiding out somewhere in the house and Nick was in his room watching "his" TV. We had watched a movie together earlier, but I think we started too early in the evening and then the time dragged by. We finally made it up to midnight to toast the new year, but it just seems kind of silly when all you want to do is go to bed. I was asleep by 12:15. Of course, Taylor was the only one with plans and was at a lock-in at her dance studio. She didn't sleep all night so we are looking forward to a full day of cranky!! I might suddenly remember a very important thing I have to do out of the house. It is nice not to have anything at all to do for a change. Unless you count all these Christmas decorations that are still up. They've been here so long that I can't even see them anymore. Good thing because if they were still up, I would need to take them down today but since I can't see them, I really have nothing to do today at all. Happy New Year!

Update on the Potluck

2008-12-30T09:56:00.001-08:00

My friend, Lori, reminded me of the perfect Potluck story that I wish I had remembered at the time of the original post.

We used to get together quite a bit in Phoenix and share food, drinks, kids, pools, and great times. One of our friends who shall remain nameless to protect her grossness, used to make a great cornbread salad and was making it one night for a get together. As she was stirring, she realized she had lost a fingernail somewhere in the cooking process. "Oh well," she said. OMG. SHE DIDN'T EVEN PRETEND TO LOOK FOR IT. This is why it is never ok to eat the potluck even with your closest friends. Lori and I politely passed on the salad that night. EEEWWWWWW.

I had another friend who had just started to date this guy and invited him over for a home cooked meal. He was eating his salad, when he took something out of his mouth and said, "Um, I think this belongs to you." It was her PURPLE polished fingernail. They ended up getting married so I guess he wasn't totally freaked out. A good test though. If you're not sure about a guy, put your purple polished fingernail in his salad and see how he reacts. You just might have a keeper.

Overheard in the Charlotte Airport (or maybe it was the Providence Airport or Springfield Airport or Detroit Airport)

2008-12-30T09:43:00.001-08:00

Woman: Would you like something to eat?

Man: No

Woman: Are you sure. I will go get in line. I can get something for you while I'm there.

Man: I told you that I don't want anything to eat. Now, go stand in line if you want but I'm not eating.

(said simultaneously)

Me: What an asshole.

Robert: Did you hear her nagging at him?

This is that whole Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars or some such nonsense. I'm sure that woman was just trying to be nice to get his lazy ass something to eat as she's probably had to do for the past 30 years. I'm also sure that he was totally unaware that he probably had a 5 hour flight ahead and won't get so much as a peanut on the flight. If I were betting, I would guess that she probably stopped at the airport shop and bought him a snack in case he gets hungry. Oh, to have a wife. I could put up with a little nagging to make sure someone always had snacks for me on the plane. Since having children, my selective hearing is fine tuned so I think I'm all set. MAIL ORDER BRIDE: Looking for someone to cook, clean, run household, bear and raise children, do handyman work, be creative, bake the office potluck, and bring in half of the household income. Not to mention "wifely duties." Geez, how do they get away with it?

The office potluck - Ew

2008-12-19T09:32:00.001-08:00

If you are like me, you loathe the office potluck. You have no idea how clean these people are or if they spit in the food before they bring it because they hate everyone in the office. You can't tell but if you think about it too long, you can make your mouth water like you're going to puke. Robert is a HUGE germaphobe and this stuff makes him crazy. I have some of my baking treats left and asked him if people were going to be in the office today so I could send them with him. My training starts when I get back and I don't want anything left in the house. Oh yeah, that's when he mentions they are having a pot luck today. Now Robert fancies himself quite the cook, so I'm sure these people are expecting some delicious Italian dish made with homemade meatballs, etc. I said when were you planning on telling me? Before or after you started to head to the garage. He was just going to throw someone a $20 and have them get a pizza. Don't you hate guys like that? They bring the plastic cups while you go home after a 14 hour day and still manage to whip up a delicious dish to share. Lucky for him, I have my 50% success baking items ready to go. Here was the final tray. Not bad for 15 minutes notice.

What looks like cheese is actually lemon squares, plus toffee, cranberry bread, and chocolate dipped pretzels. I could tell you I always have this much stuff lying around ready for an office potluck at a moment's notice, but I'd be lying. I promise I didn't spit in anything, and that annoying nose drip seems to be clearing up, thanks for asking.

Snow pic from the other day.

I'm going to be in Missouri starting tomorrow with no Internet access and not near enough red wine. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH Will try to post what I can. It's usually pretty good material. If not, Merry Christmas and I hope everyone's holiday is filled with priceless memories that you will carry with you forever.

Christmas Spirit alive and well at Albertsons

2008-12-18T16:03:00.001-08:00

I just returned from my daily trip to Albertsons, where I had the most amazing display of Christmas Spirit bestowed upon me. I was in the Express Lane with 2 people behind me and had started to put my items on the belt when April, the checker, asked if I had under 15 items. I said that I thought so. She said, "It is clear to me that you have more than 15 items and you need to go to the next lane." I'm always somewhat shocked when crap like this happens. So I gather up my items, wait for the people behind me have to back out so I can get through, and move to the next line. After waiting for 7 minutes, I unload my items and count how many I have. Effing 14. Bitch. Merry Freakin Christmas.

SNOW DAY!

2008-12-18T13:26:00.001-08:00

The kids are out of school today because Las Vegas had a SNOW DAY! Never mind that we did not have even one flake stick on our side of town. The last time that Las Vegas had a snow day was 1979. Crazy! At our other house in Henderson, there was 6.5 inches.

Might this be a lesson to those of us who have procrastinated all their final shopping, packing, and various salon appointments until the last minute. Suddenly, the kids are out of school. Gasp! I'm paying Nick to watch Taylor while I go do some of my errands. She loves it because he plays with her. Doesn't even matter to her that he's getting paid and part of the deal is that he has to entertain her just like its a real sitting gig. She just likes to hang with her brother. Kind of sad.

Update: We did get to play in the snow on Tuesday and has a snowball fight, snow angel, and requisite tiny snowman. I'm just a loser and didn't take photos.

Hell has frozen over

2008-12-15T09:42:00.001-08:00

Well, it's official. Hell has frozen over. It's snowing right here in Sin City. Not too exciting for those of you who live in the Midwest, North, East, or Mountain region, but we're pretty excited. I would take a picture but it might be hard to pick out the flakes. We all know it won't stick but visions of snowmen are in the eyes of every small child trying to concentrate at school today. You know, it's funny because we get all excited when it rains, or best yet, snows. It has only snowed here 3 times in the 5+ years I've lived here and only produced a snowman once. It was a said, little pathetic creature standing only about 6 inches high, but we made him. We love it when the weather changes. NO MORE FREAKIN SUN, PLEASE. Some of you would probably love a full-on sunny day in the 50's.

I did some more baking over the weekend. I'm at about a 50% success rate. I'm a pretty good cook, but that baking stuff is more scientific. Case in point. I was baking some Rosemary Butter Cookies, put them into the oven and then decided that precise moment was a good time to take Nick to the movies. I was back in 25 minutes but they were black. I have no instinct when it comes to baking, but I am convinced it must be done alone with no distractions. My lemon bars tasted good but there is a crack the size of the Grand Canyon running down the middle. I think my New Year's resolution might be to take a couple of baking classes.

I also have a new triathlon I'm getting ready to train for with a very serious purpose which I will explain later.

Hopefully, I will take a post a photo of my snowman.

Holiday Traditions and Smelly Washers

2008-12-11T16:33:00.001-08:00

I have the link to the magazine article that was the reason why my Christmas decorations were up at Halloween. There might be a bit of creative license involved so don't call me a liar (Vicki). My memories of family traditions are my memories, and while not completely factual, are mine nonetheless. If you're bored and enjoy a bit of fiction, the link is Summerlin Magazine.

Now to the important stuff - the smelly washer. For those of you not keeping up, the front loading washing machines have a very annoying problem of making towels smell mildewy. So, I tried this product Smelly Washer. Doesn't work. I will admit if you put it in with your towels, they smell nice. Downy does the same thing. So, I would save your $20. I took apart the washer as best I could and bleached the thing within an inch of its life. Works fine until you use it again. I think I know the problem, though. The seal is so tight on the front loading machines so the water doesn't leak that it traps all the water in and creates mildew. EEEEWWWWW Best solution I can come up with other than buying a top loader is to leave the door open.

Why I Never Had Pets - Chapter 2

2008-12-05T11:32:00.001-08:00

This is the typical, I didn't want the pet, I didn't own the pet, yet I take care of the pet - COMPLETELY. No one seems to notice if he pukes on the floor, is out of food or water, has snuck out of the house, or has fingernails longer than Howard Hughes. The latter of which drives me crazy. I hate to hear his little nails pulling the loops out of my carpet when he walks. Now, never having owned a pet for more than a month, nail clipping is a little intimidating. Mostly because there are so many rules. Don't get close to the quick or they will bleed, blah, blah, blah. So, I always made Robert do the clipping. It is, after all, HIS CAT. Since he's been working 80 hour weeks for the past 2 years, Enzo has been going for a mani/pedi whenever he starts to ruin my carpet. Since I've been ~~consulting~~ unemployed, we are all cutting back. The cat's nail appointment was the first to go. Enter getting sucked into TV ads.

PediPaws. I know you've all seen it and WANT IT BAD. It's one of those things that makes perfect sense like the EpiLady. Remember how in 1986 we all thought this was a great invention? The electric spring metal coils swirling around to grab onto the hair and rip it out by the root. One by one. Oh, I can still remember the pain. My hat is off to anyone who could muster up removing more than a quarter-size area. For those of us who tried it first on the bikini line, well let's just say it still makes you cross your legs to think of it. So, PediPaws was on Walgreen's billboard for $19.99 enticing me to come purchase it while I passed every intersection. In Las Vegas, the city council won't rest until there is a drug store or Applebee's on every corner. I gave in and bought it. I figured it was going to save us money in the end, (insert shopping justification here). The thing is disgusting. First of all, it smells liked burned hair and there is nail dust flying all around like in the Asian nail salons. I think he was expecting a sparkle tip or special design. I followed the directions, but all I did was sharpen them to a fine point. Now, he really does look like Howard Hughes. It is like filing them with a rotary sandpaper tool, so it takes forever. Think of how long it takes to clip your nails as opposed to file your nails. The cat is pretty tolerant as evidenced by his Halloween costume, but he's not going to sit there for 30 minutes and smell burned hair while I FILE HIS NAILS. I also know he would be a terrible tipper. So, I got out the clippers and attempted to clip his nails. I did so well that I plan to give him a french manicure later tonight. I'm going to speak in another language while I do it so he won't know if I'm talking about him, but I'm going to smile a lot.

Help!

2008-12-03T11:10:00.001-08:00

We are planning to make Italian food for dinner on Christmas Eve and I could use some help with ideas. Does anyone have any great recipes for Italian food, ideas for side dishes, salads, etc.? I have a million cookbooks on the shelf but thought I might try you guys first.

Thanks!

Smelly Washer to the rescue

2008-12-01T10:53:00.001-08:00

For the past couple of months, I've been discussing with anyone who would listen and where it was appropriate, the problem with my smelly front-loading washer. No one I spoke with seemed to have the same problem, and would look at me like I smell my fingers and don't shave my armpits. My towels were coming out with a certain grossness to them, and no it wasn't because I didn't move them along to the dryer in a timely manner. It also didn't make my clothes smell, just my towels. So, I went on the offense. I ran the cycle with bleach in hot water with nothing in it, and that seemed to fix the problem. Until you ran your next load of laundry. The smell was back. You can leave the door ajar so it dries out completely, but more than once I almost impaled myself running by there with a load of groceries and getting caught by the door. Also, I am a bit incredulous that I spend that much money on an appliance only to have to rig it not to smell. The Internet to the rescue. One of my favorite blogs I read, adbpbt, had an entry on just this problem http://www.abdpbt.com/?p=315. I guess I'm not crazy after all. I guess I do shave my armpits.

The product is called Smelly Washer and I have some on order. Will let you know the outcome. Glad none of you have the same problem...